ClusterfucC

Trying not to hate myself is a full-time job. Luckily tomorrow I start work part-time (retail), so in theory I'll be too busy for self-loathing. Why such hate, you might ask? Well to put it bluntly I binged this weekend. Big time. And I'm not happy about it.

I was doing pretty great and actively restricting but my situation started bringing me down. Embarrassingly enough, it was after looking at trendy winter clothing in the advertisements and realizing I have no income and shouldn't/couldn't shop that set me off in tears. Then, even though the LAST thing I should be spending money on is food I bought a bunch of fucking food. And ate it.

And then what do you know? Job offer comes through. And I'm left with a food baby.

Also my ex J. has been contacting me again...and we hung out last week. He invited me to dinner tonight but I declined. He was dating someone for about a month, but they broke up. She dumped him, apparently. Probably because he wasn't over me, that's according to him.

I don't even care. Their breakup is not my concern. He is someone that has taken me this entire year on a wild up and down relationship ride and it was such a fucking bitch to get over. I was FINALLY moving on, dating C., not caring...and here we are, back to square one.

Things between us are seemingly in my hands right now and who am I kidding? I'm thrilled. Just...stressed. And very high. I know that a serious boyfriend would be tough to handle, only because I'm barely handling myself, but nothing is impossible. Baby steps.

Nothing is certain, there are no guarantees. I'm going to occupy myself with my little part-time job and just keep moving forward. Also, I need to stop eating so much.

Want to know what's funny? Seeing J. the other day made me want to eat. I really think that's what happened. Being around him makes me sense my slim physique in a way that I cannot when I'm alone. He is just a taller, broader dude and I feel so perfectly fit next to him.

So in my mind after we hung out I was feeling like it would be alright to eat...a BIG fucking mistake. Because here I am, feeling not fat but not thin. Complaining about a binge on my blog.

What's the point in any of this?

xo, Sar

*EDIT*

I do feel bad that J. and that girl broke up. I honestly do. I know that we didn't cheat but we did text while they were dating. I saw them together a few times (me and J. share a group of friends) and always did my best to ignore J. completely and stay far away from them both, with a reserved polite tone for when I actually had to say hello to her. I know that before they started dating J. and I were hooking up and talking still. I know that he wasn't honest with her about that. So I suppose they were "doomed from the start". I don't know. Just wanted to edit this post to say that I do feel bad and wish them both the best. If things get serious again with J. and I it will only be because love and relationships are more complex than any of us care to admit, and sometimes shit happens. Sometimes life happens. I can rest easy knowing that my love life is up to fate.

*ANOTHER EDIT*

I haven't gotten a period in seven weeks. Going on eight. What. The. Fuck.
No, I'm not preggers...you have to have sex for that to happen. I'm just wondering where it is? Could it be stress? Anyone have a clue?