I woke up and lit a cigarette

I've missed Blogger!!! I have my neighbor's internet for two seconds at a time so let's see if this post will save!

HOW ARE YOU?

I am doing good, I've lost so much weight in the past few weeks. All of my clothes are baggy. I'm wearing jeans that I bought after the fire - jeans so small because I lost a bunch of weight then. They look damn good on me too. I went shopping and a size four was way too big, so I'm a two. That's one size from zero and it's a little thrilling!

Besides the weight, I am liking my new place! It is super cute but small and sparsely furnished! It is great being back on my own and I can honestly say I don't even miss my family. Sometimes I feel lonely though, like right now.

Things with J. haven't been the best. The distance is a great deal of our problem (I am about 30 minutes away now) but I have been so damn insecure lately. So. Damn. Insecure. about our relationship. Last night he chose to go out with friends instead of come see me, granted I was drinking with my friend prior to the conversation..but STILL. I asked him to call me when he got home, did he call? Nope.

Needless to say I woke up with that stupid feeling in my stomach, that feeling of impending doom and super insecurity and the NEED for reassurance, but I just don't have it. We are texting a little and all he can say is "sorry, you should've came with us".

The problem is that I was stoned. My friend and I smoked so much on top of the wine, and I wasn't up for it. Stupid, huh? I want to call him, or text him back, but I just...can't.

I will wait for him to reach out again. He works this afternoon so we shall see. I should probably note that we almost broke up this week. Over my shit, I accused him of flirting with a friend and he hated it. I know rationally that he wasn't, but again, the combo of alcohol and weed makes me crazy.

Seeing a pattern here? I am hooked on substances and freaking the fuck out on him. I had therapy yesterday (thankfully) and discussed this. Not so much the substances part, but the fight. My therapist says I am immature. Interesting, right? Well I guess I am.

I'm only 26! And yet there is this huge part of me that wants to grow UP and get married and have kids but I suppose I won't be ready for that for awhile...

Work is going good, very busy. I miss internet access so much. I miss tv. But I have my freedom.

XO
~Sar

On the move

MOVING DAY is here. I'm running on no sleep and caffeine, and feeling mighty thin! Hope this goes smooth today! I will update as soon as possible! Thanks for the internet service advice loves! PEACE!