Happy Halloween

I just can't say no to the blow...last night C. and I had a fight of epic proportions (after I had three glasses of wine - cue the emotional release) and I ended up at my neighbor's house until 2AM, drinking more, smoking pot, and blowing lines. Classy.

Today, understandably, I've been tired and out of it. I did not sleep well last night and I've been hungry all day because I restricted hardcore yesterday. Today's damage: soup, an apple, tortilla chips and salsa, pizza bites, and a soft pretzel bites dipped in ranch. So about 1300 calories all together. I'm gross, I'm aware. I couldn't be bothered to throw it up either, sometimes keeping it in is punishment enough.

It is now after five on Halloween and I just made coffee. Yes, I'm dressing up and going out because why not? I do love this holiday. I've borrowed my friend's blue wig and I'm going to be Katy Perry. LoL. It's really just an excuse to wear a wig, love them! Plus a dress and some glitter, whatever.

Why were C. and I fighting you ask? Well to be brief, he and I have been friends since college. This year we have grown extremely close, we said I love you and declared ourselves best friends. Then after hooking up for like the tenth time everything changed. We haven't hung out in two weeks. Every text or phone call has been a fight. At this point the only thing we can agree on is to end the friendship. Of course it feels like the end of a relationship and as per usual, my heart is broken. Sucks, man.

The job search continues. I have applied so many places I can't keep track. I've been on a few interviews and have a couple more next week. No job offers yet but I'm getting closer... Keep your fingers crossed something comes soon. I'd like money to be flowing in again. I wouldn't mind the routine of a job and meeting new people as well. I need to keep myself busy so I don't get into trouble.

I'm not dressed yet (not even showered yet actually) otherwise I'd show you a pic of my costume. Maybe tomorrow. I'm not eating anything the rest of the day. I'll get the rest of my calories from alcohol.

Are you doing anything for Halloween?

Peace,
XO
Sar

Disorder (possible trigger)

I'm sitting here on a Sunday afternoon and sipping some coffee. I slept until like 12:30, even though I went to bed early. I have been sleeping a lot. I have also been throwing up. I know, it's no good. About four times in the past five days. It started last Tuesday, I went to my parent's house during the day to do laundry. I ate about fifteen tator tots with ketchup, two slices of rye toast with butter, and some halloween candy (mostly taffy). Gross right? Nothing healthy about any of it. Since their plumbing is excellent (in comparison to my city apartment) I made the executive decision to throw it all up. So I did. I forgot the high that comes, I lay on the couch for a good hour after that, zoning out on the television, feeling stoned off my ass but better, because I was empty.

I've also been smoking an excessive amount of pot. All day, every day. Cancelling some plans to smoke and rot. I've now had an entire week "off" - no work, unemployed, seeking a job, and I basically made zero progress. To be fair, I've applied to many, many jobs. I had an interview at a coffee shop on friday. I'm trying, just not as hard as I should be. It's getting to me. My bank account will not support me for much longer than the next week or two, and the pressure is on. I do well under pressure (usually) so I've still got the faith.

It just surprises me a little how I can slip back into old depressive habits like purging. It scares me. The worst part is I was reading some ana/mia tumblr the other day and left the tab open and of course my friend came over that night and went to play something on youtube when I was in the bathroom. I have a feeling she saw it. I was embarrassed and OF COURSE that night I drank way too much and ended up back in my bathroom, fingers scrapping my throat to release the poison, it happened so easily. The next morning (she had spent the night) she said her stomach felt like shit and I said, "yeah I got sick last night", and it opened the door to a convo which involved her confiding that she doesn't know how to make herself throw up. I was as nonchalant as possible and just hinted that you have to do what it takes to feel better. She went in the bathroom and I went to the kitchen to get us some water so I couldn't hear what was happening in there.

Fuck. Well it's now one in the afternoon and I should do the dishes. I'm craving pancakes (?) like immensely. I've been missing this blog hope I can write a bit more. Hope you're all doing alright. Stay strong. Think thin but be smart. Purging sucks and I cannot count on it as my saving grace when I feel too full. It's a bad habit. Which reminds me, one piece of good news, I haven't smoked a cigarette in over a week. Guess without the work stress I'm good. Also I can't afford them, but hey! I'll take any positivity I can get.

Peace,
Sar

Emotional

Well today was my last day at work in the office. The past two weeks have absolutely dragged and so did today, it all culminated to a very emotional goodbye. I breathe in ragged sobs, my heart dances across my chest, and my head spins on its axis. And yet...I know this is right. I still do not have another job but I will find one. I am not scared or even numb...just indifferent. It's sad saying see you later to nice people but I will not miss the industry.

What's next for me?

Where will I go from here?

Is it up to fate? Or do I have free will?

***

Loaded questions for a Friday. I think I'll do the dishes and get myself pretty because my friend is headed over and we're going to happy hour. The happiest most bittersweet hour.

Peace.
xo
Sar*

Calculated Impulse

I gave notice at my job today. It feels awesome. And scary. But right!
Who knows where I'll end up?

I enjoy adventure.