Once.

Unprotected sex with an understudy. He was passing through town, on tour, and ended up in my section of the restaurant on Saturday. I waited on him, we flirted, he left his number and we met up after my shift. We clicked with an interesting rapport. A real mental connection. Of course my fragile heart got involved. We spent the night together in the hotel and even had breakfast. A first for me, usually I try to get out of an intimate situation as fast as I can.

He is already in another city. I texted him "bon voyage" this morning, he said "thank you" and that's it. I can't blow up his phone but I want to keep texting him. I want to hold on tight to the night we shared but for what reason?

I am not interested in a long distance relationship and he will be away for months. Plus he will probably renew his contract which would extend his tour until next year. Before we parted: he said I could travel to see him, that I'd have a place to stay. Did he mean it? Did I ask him? No. Our goodbye was quick. I erupted into tears as he strode away, purposefully.

What was it about him? Or is it just the fact that we had sex? I have been crying off and on for 24 hours. My bff is advising me to take the "plan b" pill, but I'm apprehensive. I've never taken it before. He pulled out. Stuff happens though, and some secret messed up part of me is imagining what if? I'll probably take the pill as a precautionary measure for my own peace of mind. Fifty bucks down the drain.

Deep breath. I am drinking a whiskey and iced tea. I am off tonight, thank god, because work is just going to remind me of him. God, it's so unfair. I finally meet a smart, sexy, kind, and generous man but he is the worst kind of unavailable!! It felt right! He propositioned me. He paid for me. He noticed things about me. He talked to me. He kissed me. I did nothing but be myself!

I got a taste of this...good feeling. He is someone I would want to be with, for real. I haven't felt this in so long. And yet...he's gone. I don't know how he REALLY feels. I'm not going to chase him. I suppose I have to accept what is. The ball is in his court.

The truth is, I could feel myself acting different around him the "morning after". I was self-conscious, shy, and being weird. I knew the inevitability of him leaving and I put a wall up. Looking back now, I should've been better, I should've lightened up a bit. I'm going to try and leave this all as an experience I'll never forget. He left an impact on me. If circumstances were different, we'd be in each other's lives. I will say...the sex was great.

My thoughts are all over the place right now. My will to write has been lacking. I need to try harder in so many areas of my life. I want love so bad. I have to love myself first. I have to be secure somehow.

I "miss" him but it's not miss. It's a kind of mourning...the loss of a potential friend or maybe more...the loss of the part of my heart that he took on a plane with him this morning, as he flew in a big silver bird across the country, away from here, away from me. With me and away from me and I'm without.

I'm hurting but I'll be ok. I don't know what's going to happen but I know that I will be alright.

xo
Sar

Relaxed reflections

A day off! What to do? I think I will rearrange some furniture. It's Spring now, after all. Always a great time to refresh the space or look.

Speaking of which, I have great eyebrows. I have been "growing them out" for awhile, years maybe, because I overplucked a bit in college. My aim has been to achieve a fuller, face-framing look and it's here. I pluck, I've never gotten them waxed. Maybe I'll show you sometime.

What's been going on with me: Work, lots of it. Surprises taped to my front door from my best (guy) friend, C. (Who I've wrote about before). Getting over being sick. Binging a little, feeling fat and thin in the same day. Lots of weed and music. Encounters with exes. 

My mood has been somewhat stable this week. There are a few things I've done lately that make me feel proud of myself. Like when someone gave me too much change while breaking a twenty dollar bill at work, being honest and giving the ones back (instead of pocketing them). Or when I asked my dad to have dinner, just us two, and we went. Or when I stopped at my friend's house who was having a bad day and cheered her up.

I've been working on being more honest. I am trying to rack up positive moral karma. I am trying to be a good person. I AM a good person. A great person? TBD..

I know I've been wrong and bad and been involved with dishonest affairs of the heart and mind. I am not perfect. I have struggled and self-sabotaged. I will most likely continue to fuck up, as people tend to do. But I have been making a concentrated effort to "do the right thing". When I try to explain this to the few people I've tried to explain it to...I've been met with silence or questioning. Do you understand?

It's my day to myself and I vow here and now that I will not waste it. Granted, it's 12:15 and I'm still drinking my coffee and trying to get motivated. Mary jane accompanies me. Also, the xx radio on Pandora.

Peace~

~S

Woke up in a pissed off mood. Screamed at my cat. Brewed some coffee. Started the dishes. Took a hit of weed and have been blasting music for 45 minutes. Now it's time to shower and go to work. I'm trying so hard to turn this day around.

It's been a good week. I can't let the darkness in/win.

Scripts

Morning everyone. I have health insurance now (thanks Obama!) so I went to my doctor the other day for a physical. I left with four prescriptions. She gave me amoxicillin and ibuprofen for my sinus infection (yep) and xanax and zoloft for my depression/anxiety. I haven't touched the latter. I'm dead scared too. Weight gain is a side effect and I'm in way too much denial to take crazy pills.

I have been taking the other stuff. Been sleeping like a log. Starting to feel a bit better thankfully. Currently flying on some strong coffee and about to leave for work. I missed two days again this week.

D. and I texted a little and he insisted that he hasn't hooked up with that other girl. I am caring less and less. Also, M. and I hung out the other night for like four hours at my place. We were sober (at first) which was a first - until we blazed. Then we had two beers. Then we kissed. Remember M.? Apparently this is still a thing.

Go me, "hooking up" with two guys in just over a week. No sex. Lots of tongue kissing. It feels good to be desired, even if it's only sexually.

Gotta bounce. Peace!
xx-S

Hotel song

So I survived a partial shift at work with D. We haven't texted or anything since Fri. He was coming in today as I was leaving; approximately 25 minutes of awkwardness, at least for me, while I rolled silverware and pretended to never see him.

That's right, I completely ignored his presence, outwardly. Inside my head and heart I was so aware of him. He looked gorgeous, for one thing. I am very attracted to him. Why wouldn't I be? I have a soft spot for handsome asshats, remember?

For his credit - he was acting different too. More reserved, noticeably less flirty, and I even caught him looking at me. Once.

*one hour later*

Just got off the phone with my sister. I love and miss her (she lives out of state). I'm all talked out. Peace!

Bad girls like bad boys

Well it appears that D. (dude from work that I hung out with three times and made out a lot with) is actually a huge player. LMAO at my stupidity. WHY do I keep liking the players? WHY do I think I stand a chance against the games and smooth tactics and god damn lies?

Let's back up. Tuesday. Me and D. get drinks after work. We have a great time. Talking. Connecting, Kissing. We end up back at his place making out for hours in his bed and cuddling the rest of the night. I was *feeling it* you guys...and I've been on "cloud nine" because of it. And then...tonight. Work. He is a crazy flirt with just about every girl, one in particular. As the hours pass by I become weakened. And then it's clear to me to the kind of guy he is. UNAVAILABLE. And I feel so stupid.

And it hurts. And now it's 3AM and I've had two beers and a toke and a cigarette. I'm feeling some feelings. I texted him that I think he's a player and I want it all behind me. It's late - I know he worked two jobs today and has his kids. He may be sleeping (we both worked until 2AM) and obviously has not responded. Do I care?

Do I even give two shyts? Maybe. No. I don't know, probably. You guys understand, right?

Jesus. I am regressing. 27 going on 14. It's sickening and I hate myself and yet I just want to be kind to myself. But it's so hard when I get involved in these...situations.

All I can do is blast some Florence and the Machine and tell myself it'll be ok. Hopefully.