The feels

He's been gone for 21 days and we've had a terrible fight. I just blocked him so we have no contact. I am listening to the Rain Song by Led Zeppelin. I barely ate today. Or yesterday. Fuck food.

I have maintained my new low of 134 pounds. I am 5'8 so I'd say that's pretty fucking good.

Too bad my heart is alone and the pain is striking. We love each other and yet fight so desperately, so madly. We pull out the guns. It's sad. And it lowers my self esteem, which already has been affected by the abortion.

I have drank 4 beers, smoked 2 bowls and about 5 cigarettes since I've been home from work. I am trying to numb the pain. The weird thing is how the pain doesn't get numbed, it lingers. I miss D. terribly. This trip of his, the timing of it, the love/hate we've been experiencing...is just...incredible. Incredibly hard.

Peace to all,
Sar

Love

He loves me, he said it and I believe it.

D. has been gone exactly two weeks and there are three and a half more to go. Tonight, he recorded his voice saying, "I love you baby" and sent it to me. I fucking melted.

What we have gone through has been so huge, so life-changing. It is bringing us closer together and I am thankful for that.

Thanks for the comments on my last post. I was extremely depressed that evening. Tonight? Not so much. Work is an excellent distraction. My therapist is amazing. My boyfriend loves me. I have sweet and open-minded readers. Feeling good about life.

Coincidentally, I am out of weed. I am energized without it yet the craving is tremendous. I will most likely be re-upping tonight. I don't dare try to sleep without it. I need to get restful sleep or I'm a bear. My friend will probably deliver some in an hour or so.

I have no food in the house, nothing. I desperately need to grocery shop. I actually stopped at Wegmans today but only bought cat food. #win.

Have a great night babes.
xx ~s

After

It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. I thought I was coping decently. Today, stupidly, I watched a video explaining the life stages from conception to birth with accurate and fascinating pictures. I stared at the seven week picture out of curiosity and the need to feel reconnected. I watched this in the last hour of my workday.

On the way home, driving 60 mph on the thruway, I could feel that tight hot ball of grief-guilt-anger-sadness forming in the pit of my stomach. A tear slid out, my face hardened, enough crying, dammit just drive. Another tear. An escaped sob to assuage the poisonous emotions wrestling to release. I made it home through blurred vision. My cheeks hurt from frowning and holding back tears. My arms, my heart hurts.

My baby is gone. I killed it. No Sarah, you didn't kill anyone. You made a choice to end a life. Ok that sounds a lot like killing.

I need D. Well sorry, he's out of the country. There's no one else you can really talk to. Not family. Friends don't understand.

I killed my baby. Stop. Just fucking stop goddammit.

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It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. Life has gone on. I recovered, physically, quick. I took my antibiotics and ibuprofen. I hung out with my boyfriend, the only person who has any inkling of knowledge of what I'm going through. He's gone now, away for another month. I've survived a week without him. We've chatted over facebook every day, thank god. I need him so bad right now.

Work has been a decent distraction but it's been too slow with all the snow and the time to think is getting to me. Time is crawling by.

Last week I drank. This week? Hell, maybe I'll write.

Thanks for listening.
xx
~S

Scarlett letter A

Tomorrow is the big day. I have done a lot of reading and research this week, a lot of talking and crying and over thinking...but I am not in denial. I understand that I was supremely irresponsible, and for that I must pay the consequence which is making an impossible choice.

I know that I am not ready for a baby. I do not want to have a baby this year. Yes, I am 28 years old and plenty old enough to have one, but it is not what I want right now. As you all know, I like doing what I want. Isn't life just a series of decisions regarding what you want next? Hell, they even say if you want happiness you've got to choose it.

As for me, I choose life. MY life.

Of course it is heartbreaking to feel me and D.'s unborn embryo in my tummy. I can definitely feel it, I am a changed woman. I have been able to say aloud "I am pregnant" and know that it is as true as you and me.

It sucks to know that I am choosing not to let our unborn embryo live. It sucks that this had to happen now. It sucks that I was so foolish regarding birth control. It sucks that I will have to live with this choice for the rest of my life.

But maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I will be ok.

I believe this is happening for a reason. What is the life lesson here Sar?

Tomorrow is the big day and I am nervous as can be but also excited for it all to be over. I don't want to be pregnant right now. I don't like feeling nauseous (all day sickness - not just morning). My boobs KILL. I have no sex drive. I have no appetite and then I'm ravenous but nothing sounds appealing. I haven't been able to touch coffee and sushi sounds like the worst thing in the world, two of my previous faves. My mood has been all over the place. My emotions are...insane.

Tomorrow it ends. Tomorrow I walk out of there a free woman. Tomorrow I have to face reality and face myself and forgive myself and love myself and forgive the universe for dealing me this hand.

D. is going with me. It was luckily never a question. He has fluctuated between handling it great and totally freaking out. He is scared of course, and the timing could not be worse as he is leaving the country for a 5 week backpacking trip through central america on monday. We will miss each other and he will do his best to support me over the phone but for the most part I will be leaning on myself.

My parents do not know, nor my siblings. They may never. I have told three close friends and my boss. I am being called on to be strong right now and it will be a real test for D. and I's relationship. I can do this. I will be ok.

I am not in shock anymore. I am borderline accepting of the entire thing. Therapy this week helped a ton. D. is helping a lot. Music and maryjane help.

Thanks for the love and for reading about my life. Tomorrow is the big day and I am asking for your prayers/good vibes that everything goes smoothly. I never wanted to make this decision, you guys. I never wanted any of this but it's here and all I can do is what's best for me and hope to eventually forgive myself.

I'm sorry baby. Mommy is not ready for you yet. I hope and believe that your beautiful and innocent soul will be sent to someone loving, mature, present, financially stable, and ready to devote her life to you. I'm sorry it is not me, not yet.

xo
Sar