Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity..

or don't, because as good as my intentions are I am one lazy motherfucker and would totally get it if you read that and said nice idea but fuck it.

Quarter to nine at night and I'm getting high. Went shopping with my mom after work. I picked out two sweaters for Christmas. She also got me a hat, scarf, and slippers.

I am trying to be in the spirit of things, but it is an effort. The weather has been unseasonably mild, which has been great, but usually around this time of year there is snow. It is a cue that the holidays are here.

Ah, 2015. I am glad you are coming to an end. My grandmother died last month. Two months ago my brother moved to California. I am officially the last sibling left in our area. The most intense complex and difficult relationship I've ever experienced recently ended. It has been a troubling year.

No New Years Eve plans...yet. We'll see what happens.

Yes, of course I have talked to D. since I last posted. We ended things but the conversation hasn't stopped. I should despise him, but I don't. I can't. He has said some cruel shit to me. And here I am, still hooked in a way. I am not being Sally Girlfriend to him but I am loyal to our non existent relationship and him. I haven't touched anyone else and have no plans to. I'm telling myself to keep an open mind. It's been stressful, needless to say. Some days are tearful, others destructive.

I haven't been taking the best care of myself. Eating like shit kind of and drinking wayy too much. Smoking both cigs and pot constantly. Spending money recklessly. Not exercising. Always exhausted. Abusing coffee.

My period was right on time this month. For a solid two weeks prior I was convinced that he knocked me up again. My boobs were killing me. Took a test, it was negative, I burst into tears.

I hoped it would be positive. The smallest tiniest voice in my soul wanted it and I could barely admit it to myself but I knew. I know me. I've wanted for months to redo my mistake. I want another chance.

THERE ARE NO SECOND CHANCES. You fucking idiot.

I did what I did and now I pay.

I can't hate myself forever but holy shit am I punishing myself and grieving like fucking crazy.
It was this time last year. I found out the day after Christmas.

So maybe that's why I don't feel too festive. It's just everything lately.

xx