Father's Day. I sit here alone at 1:00 in the afternoon. Got out of bed past noon. Shit is bleak.
Here's why:
About two weeks ago my mom said they were having an afternoon cookout on father's day. I felt good about this since we have not had a family get together in the past year and we've lost my aunt and uncle. She said K. was welcome too.
A week or so later she told me it was postponed due to my aunt being sick with covid-19. And then this past Wednesday evening she said to "be at" their house by 9:00AM for breakfast. Family only. Their house (my childhood home) is a 35 minute drive away. I was immediately put off by this plan for a couple reasons:
1. We always meet somewhere halfway at a restaurant for mother's day and father's day. This is literally what we always do and is a convenient courtesy and compromise that I am on board with. My car has over 100k miles and is very old. Since we weren't doing the cookout it seemed logical that plans would change to this.
2. I work full time, only get the weekends off. They are retired and sleep in until at least 8:00 AM each day. This difference in schedules means that both sides should be taken into consideration.
3. Since it's breakfast at their house, I wouldn't be eating until I was already up, dressed, and on the road for awhile. This would involve waking up around 7:30AM to shower and get ready and drive over on an empty stomach. This is not my idea of fun, if I'm being honest.
4. I earnestly believed that if I expressed myself directly, without making a demand, she would be willing to bend a bit. Perhaps push the time back, or do lunch instead.
So I sent her a text. I started out by saying that I would like to see dad for father's day. I then said a bit about reason #3 above. I asked what else is going on that day?
I was nervous about sending it. In fact, I had felt a prolonged state of tension since I received her message the night before. She has a way of really getting to me.
Her response to my text?
"Nothing"
I waited. I showed K. We both agreed that was closed off and cold.
She texted once more: "Your father will be disappointed. Not sure what I'm supposed to tell him."
I said nothing to that. Four days later, she never said anything more. I never said anything more. But I wanted to say:
Are you purposely trying to be inflexible?
Does how I feel matter at all?
Why would you guilt trip me?
You're doing nothing that day? Just waking up, eating breakfast at 9, and then going back to bed?
What's the plan for lunch? What's the plan for dinner? Can we do either of those instead?
Can we move breakfast to 10:00AM? An extra hour makes a big difference on the weekend and when it's a long drive.
But I said none of that!! Because why should I? Why should I have to pull this out of her? Why can't she communicate with me? She maintains seemingly strong relationships with her good friend and my aunts. Why do I get the bare minimum emotionally? Why did she assume I was trying to fuck up the day? Why did she have to put guilt on me "you're going to disappoint dad" WTF? I literally said, I want to see him! I wasn't making a demand, I wasn't trying to be entitled. Am I lazy? Am I selfish? Why no compromise?
And the answer to much of this is that I've usually obeyed. They call the shots and I fall in line if I want to be in their lives. And I talk a big talk about boundaries. But actually putting them into play is HARD. And it HURTS.
I don't know why shit went down like this. But I do think it's been a long time coming. There has been progress made on our relationships, but with every step forward there is also a step back. And sometimes the step back is more of a leap. I wish I knew why. I wish it was different. But I also wish I didn't have to be the only one to want different. Why do I have to be the bigger person with my elders?
Hours ago I texted my dad a happy father's day message with hearts.
He didn't respond.
Last time I saw him, all he did was talk about how much he wishes he was back in their snowbird retirement community. He didn't even get off the couch when I arrived at their house.
I didn't even get him a card. I would've, if I knew for sure I was seeing him. But my mom's silence hurt me deeply. In the past I would have sent a follow up text trying to work with her. This time, I chose to see if she would take further action. She didn't.
Am I the asshole?
I have no idea.
My brain is warped these last few days. This test, show of strength, pushback, I don't even know what you'd call it. This THING with us has had me numb and in deep pain, detached but anxiously attached, fearing the worst, obsessively talking about it with K., feeling that I've done irreparable damage. It's heavy. It weighs a lot. I feel bad but somewhere deep deep down I feel the bittersweet validation that upholding strong boundaries brings. It's a "I told you so" kinda feeling. It had been gnawing at me for years, this thought that they don't care as much about me. But how can that be? They're my parents. Digging deeper, I can see that the validation is actually regarding their mental states: wounded and traumatized.
But you know what mom and dad? So is mine. I have been through some FUCKED UP SHIT. I'm 36. I'm an adult. And yeah my past sucks. So does yours, I get it. But your life is pretty good right now! You have two houses! You get to leave the cold for the winter! You have adult children that are doing well! You have freedom! My life is pretty good right now too! Let's enjoy this time in our lives!
But you know what? For the most part, people have the choice to either deal with their lot in life, or give up. Stay bitter. Stay broken. Did they give up on healing? I don't know. I sure as fuck haven't. But I do know that I don't have to sign up for mistreatment. Whether it's intentional or not.
I don't want to assume it's intentional. I don't want to dogmatically state that I can be certain of anything regarding them. But I do know their patterns. And I do now know that I was misunderstood, not given the benefit of the doubt, not valued enough to find a compromise with. If that was a friend acting this way, I'd distance myself. It's not easy, natural, or comfortable. But I can distance myself from my parents to protect myself from them. Because I need protection from such negativity.
I am not a bad person. I did not want to or intend to upset them in any way. If they feel upset, then they can choose to communicate that. But I've only received passive aggression so far. I would hope that any one who is in my life would see that I am trying pretty hard. I mess up a lot, to be fair. I make mistakes. But I am not convinced I made a mistake with all this. I am doing my best not to beat myself up. But it's not working.
Gonna end this here. Thanks for letting me vent, b.
xo
