Still

A couple days later and I think I'm doing better. It's Saturday afternoon, how can you not be grand? Granted, I'm in my pajamas. There is a packed bowl next to my coffee mug. I have been VERY lazy so far this weekend. I've been drinking a lot. But I think I'm doing better.

Not hearing from him at all helps. This has been the longest break up in the history of break ups. We broke up so many times and it never lasted but the past few months it's been lasting longer and longer and now we're separated for real.

I've been slowly changing my mindset to that of a single gal. I am single. 29 and fucking single. But it's ok. There are other men out there, men that will appreciate my quirks and respect my experiences and love me for me.

D. has hated me for awhile. I did a lot of bad stuff. I'm not going to say I deserve to be hated though. It takes two in order for a relationship to be successful, two people making an effort. I feel like a lot of my bs was reactions to his bs. We bounced our darkest parts off each other. We fell into a sick sad pattern and were unable to free ourselves so we had to split. There was never any other fate for us.

I gotta stop thinking about him.

I gotta start rediscovering myself, to find Sar again. Whoever she is.

Love, XO

Thanks for reading Bella
 * hugs*<3 p="">

Been awake for a little over an hour, on cigarette number four, plus coffee, no food.
Wish I could feel happy.
I don't. Just lost. Completely lost myself.

Fucked D. last weekend for the first time in months. Didn't hear from him after. Fucker totally used me.

I hate myself.