Spring is really here, the sun is out, I left the house wearing just a hoody. No hat, gloves, scarf. About time! I love the warmer weather. Everything is blooming and it's beautiful.
I've spent some time re-reading this blog, particularly my college years and the time immediately following that. I spent 2 years at my parent's house, looking for work and partying it up. There were some hardcore bulimia details. Sometimes I forget how long that madness spanned. It was a cruel act and I hated myself back then.
Things have gotten better. I look back at the girl I was, and feel sad. I have been through some shit, there is no doubt, and I don't have to convince anyone or myself, because it's just a fact. But for so long it's been entwined in my identity. I have a trauma to talk about for every day of the week. It's true! What I want though, is to purposefully begin holding it a bit looser, and not so close to my heart. I want to start defining myself as a person who has grown, who embodies acceptance and peace, not a person who is still healing from the past.
For awhile now (the last few years without major distressful events occurring - not including the pandemic), I've had an impenetrable shield up. I've been cold, inscrutable, invincible, argumentative and defensive. I've held onto my traumas as my excuse and justification and I allowed them to define me. I used them as a barrier between myself and others. I wanted and needed them to define and protect me.
I want and need to understand myself and to help others understand me. Understanding why I act and think and talk the way I do, why I keep a distance, why I'm so serious now, and how to improve, has been of the utmost importance lately.
I want to distance myself from the trauma. I am so much more than the shitty things that I've done, and the nightmares that I've lived through. I am a good person. I care about others and myself. I protect loved ones and my heart. I have good intentions and faith in the process of life. But I have to literally force myself to smile sometimes.
I am very serious about therapy. I really trust and appreciate my latest therapist. We have been working together since last Fall. I am showing signs of progress.
Here's an example of my mindset prior to therapy, and it continues to a lesser extent these days:
I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT. I NEED YOU TO BE FRAGILE WITH ME, AND FEEL SORRY FOR ME, AND RECOGNIZE MY COURAGENESS, STRENGTH, AND DETERMINATION. I NEED YOU TO BE THE VERY BEST POSSIBLE FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER/PARTNER/COWORKER BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WILL BENEFIT ME THE MOST AND I WILL BE CRITIQUING YOU!!!!! SO DO IT OR DEAL WITH MY FEELINGS AND WRATH!!! HELP ME! I AM NOT OK! SAVE ME! LOVE ME!!! OR FUCK OFF!!!!!
*takes a deep breath*
Sorry for the caps, but it felt necessary.
For too long, I have lived mind over matter. I indulged my broken thoughts while being stuck in survival mode. It's my priority finally to fix it. I am doing the goddamn work and it's helping me. I want to be well. My therapist encourages me to focus on the good life I've created for myself.
Facts:
1. I live in an awesome apartment. I pay my own bills and work full time at an interesting job to support myself. I have the money to treat myself. I have begun paying it forward with larger tips and donations when possible. I am developing hobbies and have a good work/life balance.
2. I am in relationship. A happy, healthy relationship. Over a year now. I can see us together forever. I think he can too. My approach was different with him. I had standards, I took it slow, I eased into opening up, I've brought him around family and friends. I trust him. But it hasn't been a walk in the park, we've had long discussions about emotions and feelings and trust and what we want out of our relationship and the best ways to support one another. We've had bad fights, that sometimes take a couple days to really work through. But we want this. He is cool. He has never showed one sign of violence. He doesn't know every single thing about me, in other words I have kept some boundaries in place. But he knows a lot more than any other man I've ever been with. I let myself keep the hope for us.
3. I am determined to be happy, healthy, and mentally stable. I don't want to be the way I was anymore. I want to be better. I quit smoking cigarettes for good 2 years ago. I go to all the doctor's appointments. I prioritize sleep, eating healthy, and taking vitamins. I am trying so hard to develop automatic good coping mechanisms, this part is taking me the longest. I am also working on remembering to breathe.
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Ok so now I'm getting a little tired of blogging. I want to get back into it though. Miss this place. Treasure this place, to be honest. If anyone still cares about this kinda thing, my weight is 125 now. I went on an antidepressant last year that has really affected my appetite and weight. I do love being this thin.
xoxo, Sar
