Summer

Well it's been awhile! I left off describing family dysfunction but I'm back to basically just vent. I feel like I'm going to explode or combust or cry. Why? No real reason. But also, a million reasons. Backing up just a bit, I set some boundaries with my parents and I can honestly say it worked. At the time, when I was being ignored, but not giving in, it felt like hell. I ached. I cried. I obsessed. But I held my ground. Once the ice was broken (by my mom), I responded with zero grudge. She reciprocated warmly. It felt like a small win.

But as we began chatting more, I got filled in on some tough news. My older half brother has cancer that is spreading. He's been sick for a couple years. It is now untreatable and he has been referred to hospice. It's weird even typing that out. I feel detached and numb about it. We are not close, but I have a lifetime of memories. He's family. 

I'm just sitting here, trying to know what to say but what can you say? Cancer sucks. I am grateful that he is not in pain (allegedly). I hope for a miracle. I know he's looking for a clinical trial. But the truth, the goddamn bitch of a truth is that he could be gone before Christmas. It's a lot.

So I'm enjoying life when I can. It's all fun and games until you get robbed though. Yup, my phone got stolen at a music festival a few weeks ago. That was an expensive life lesson. I'm not getting into it though. I've talked about it enough. I bought another phone and added insurance to my plan. Fuck anyone who steals.

Work is kicking my ass. We've been dealing with the wildfire smoke. Things with K. are solid. My mental health is not.

I had a cavity filled. Now I need a night guard. I've spent so much money at the dentist and on therapy this year already. Feels like all I'm doing is spending.

Oh, and that raise I negotiated? Still not seeing it in my paystub. I've already followed up twice. What a fucking joke. Trying to stay patient and calm. Failing and feeling overcome with anxiety.

As I get this all out, I recognize that shit has been bleak. I want to feel happy. I recognize that, despite the madness, life is going pretty well for me. But I just don't know sometimes. Life is hard. Really fucking hard and you gotta be tough. I can be tough. I just get tired of being so tough and on guard. But it's the only way. Keep on keeping on.

Maybe next time I'll have a plethora of good to share. Be well, all.

Love, Sar xo