Sitting in my home on a rainy Thursday night. Cozy but alone. Well, the cat's here. He's my little buddy. My boyfriend and I are going away for New Year's Eve weekend. Looking forward to getting away from it all.
There's been a lot going on: multiple family members sick, one in hospice. My boyfriend needs a major surgery, we just found out. I've been depressed. Work has been difficult. I've been living in an extended state of anticipatory grief about my close family member being terminally ill, and finding out my beloved boyfriend's condition has been shocking and devastating. The implications are real. We have already decided to put off marriage and starting a family for at least another year. I feel the weight of expectations to be his care taker without the privilege of being his wife. This is causing resentment to build within. I have not told him this, however.
It's been a week since we found out and it's already affecting us. We've both been stressed and depressed. I'm trying not to be distant but I've been needing space due to the weight of it all. Worried sick about my family every day. Struggling through the holidays. It's hard to believe that less than three months ago I was in the mountains enjoying life.
I tried to cut back on weed - went ok for awhile. I was only using a pen or edible for about a month and a half. I bought nugs a week or two ago and have been partaking in joints. But my anxiety is through the roof. I don't think weed is helping me. I'm just addicted and weak.
I know I need to be strong right now. People are depending on me. But I feel like shit. I want to run away. I'm in constant pain. I don't know if I know how to help myself. My trust in myself is weak. My skepticism and pessimism grow deeper. If only I could reset my brain.
Writing it all out hurts too.
More later, hopefully.
-S
