I'm burning bridges left and right. Skipped my best friend's birthday get together. Ghosted my parents after my brother's death. Earlier tonight, said something unforgiveable to my boyfriend. Not sure how much longer I'll be able to call him that.
Today was a day of self loathing. I have never hated myself more. My body radiates hate with every move I make. I ache with it.
I tried to go without weed today and failed. Work has gone to total shit. I am in a major depressive "episode' and my thoughts get so dark it scares me.
I can't even call myself thin. As I age, my body softens. You never think it will happen to you... I feel fat as hell and look like shit.
Put on what I thought was a cute outfit and was having a good hair day for the concert we went to tonight. My boyfriend said nothing. We had been tense and in disagreement mode all afternoon. Made the mistake of getting together for a concert we planned to go to. Fought there. Fought afterwards.
It sucks. I long to feel loved and desired. And he usually does. But the problem is that I don't love myself. I lie to myself and say that I do. But I'm admitting here: it's bullshit. I'm fake. I lie to others and put on a show as naturally as breathing.
I wish I didn't rely so deeply on other's approval. I wish a lot of things. Maybe if I was a different person, life would be better. But the only person I know how to be is me, a gigantic fuck up.
It's late. Good night.
1 comment:
I’m so sorry for your loss, S. I know how hard the grief can hit, how it can send you into a complete spiral, but please do try to be gentle with yourself (or as much as you can, given the circumstances).
Keeping you in my thoughts xx
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