Alone again

After 3 years, and so much travel, and multiple family deaths, and a major operation, holidays, and an engagement - I've ended it. I broke the engagement and I broke up with K. I am alone again. The hardest part isn't even the pain of a relationship ending or the ache of my heart, it's having to tell people and attempt to explain why. Everyone is so shocked. Even my best friend said, why didn't we ever talk about any of this? And all I could say was, I was trying to figure it out on my own.

It IS sad of course. I miss him a little. I still love him. I wonder how he's doing. I care about him. I don't consider the last 3 years a waste. I don't consider him an enemy. I learned a lot from our relationship about life and about myself. I'll always be grateful for that.

Sometimes, there is not one reason you can point to and say THAT'S why you left. Truth is, there's tons of moments that have led to this. Primarily the fact that we tried 6 months of couples counseling and our communication and fighting didn't improve. He struggled to meet my emotional needs.

WTF are emotional needs? Good question. It's been wild trying to understand all that. I don't know how deep I'm going to get here. Let's just say that I've been feeling emotionally neglected for a long time, tried to speak up about it more than once, and nothing fundamentally changed. It got to the point in couples counseling where our counselor advised us that we are different communicators and that I will likely always feel unheard with him. 

I couldn't unhear this. I started listening to the previously stifled tiny voice inside my head. I followed my inner truth. I debated and overanalyzed and made lists. Ultimately, I knew I couldn't stay. The hardest part was the days in between accepting that and telling him. I felt sick over it.

When I finally gathered the balls to advise him - it was a sad conversation. We both cried. He was desperate for another chance. It tugged at my heart but I was resolute. It's officially been a full week now. Yesterday I finally blocked him.

Oh, and I booked a long weekend to unwind and visit T.

More later.

XO