Prisoner

March is almost over. April 5th will be one year since the fire. What has changed in my life? How is my body looking today compared to one year ago?

The answers lie within. Hidden and blocked. My body is a testament to my strength and discipline. It will be a lifelong endeavor, keeping this up.

It's my mission and I won't fail.

And yet. I feel strongly that my capabilities are limited. I rarely believe I can do it. Oddly enough, I fear failure so I fear success. Because what comes after riches and many monetary accompaniments? Emptiness. Withdrawal. Non-committal perspective.

I long to be fulfilled but sometimes I confuse myself with the desire to eat, as if food will do anything other than make me sick. 

I wish I had more confidence. I can fake it, but it's not real and true.

It's a falsity! It's a lie! It's a mirror mask, and you are me! We all die inside, knowing that we're all the same. Striving for identity has become this all-consuming task. 

I'm done. 

I refuse to feel sorry for poor little me. I am privileged. I feel like a prisoner.

A job does not equal a person. I am not my (proverbial) job. I am not my lack thereof. I am SAR, dammit, and I need to not care what you think.

I feel this crazy pressure from my parents to work. I tell people I'm unemployed with a heavy shame to my voice. I think of myself as less. I question my tactics...I bought "What color is your parachute?" and read one chapter. I fail at failing.

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Deep breath. 

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I met a man. He is K.

K. is nice, tall, works, and has a car. This is what I know after two (kind of long) phone conversations. He actually called, like an old-fashioned gentleman (gasp!), and we chatted. It was nice.

We will get coffee this week. I don't know how I feel about breaking my no-dating-until-a-job rule. Actually, I break rules every day so why would I even concern myself with such nonsense?

Hope everyone is staying strong. I was given the Versatile Blogger Award. For now, I'll refer you back to 10 Things About Me. You know I prefer a little anonymity.

Think thin. Always.

I want this body.

I can have it.

So can you.

So we will.

Xo Sar

I have gourds on my desk.

Is this appropriate? I think so. It being November and all. I realize that decorative gourds being on my desk is very irrelevant, but I have never been good at introductions, so it is a good place to start! I find it hard to introduce people to each other. At times it is simply because I forget someone's name. Most of the time I am more concerned with my next adventure. That is me in a nutshell I guess: adventurous. I like doing things. I like going places. I like seeing sights. I contradict myself here, because above all, I need to feel warm, safe, and secure. Everywhere. If not, I am uncomfortable. Call this a fact finding mission.

Facts about me! I am discovering the land of the free! My mind is a sponge, I want to squeeze it. I want to understand what it consists of. I need to know what is there, what I have bothered to include in me. Random things, most likely. Like song lyrics, quotes, away messages, nutrition facts. A constant stream of blah blah blah in my ear. My multifaceted mind keeps me guessing! I never know which way my mood will go. When I wake up, I am either ready to start the day (rarely), or I refuse to get out of bed or think at all (most of the time). I like sleeping. I guess it coincides with the whole "me wanting to feel safe and warm" thing. But who gets places by staying in a bed all day? Not anyone that matters. Like it is up to me to decide what and who matters. I matter! Haha! I MATTER. I care. I matter to me. I matter to my mom. I matter to my dad. My brothers. My sister. I fucking matter, damnit. So start believing it!!!!!

If I matter so much, then there is a reason for my existence. I have a purpose. I am here for the long haul, hopefully. And that's true.. I can only hope. I want to be here, on this earth, alive, for a decent life span! I do, I truly do. I am so scared however, that I am going to stupidly cut my time short. I need to care about myself. I need to love myself. I love me! I love me!

And I am so sorry if anyone reading this is disgusted with my so called superficiality and this conceited sounding post I am typing, but if you knew me.... If you could see me, if you understood; there would be no judgment. I don't want to be disliked or judged, obviously it is going to happen. I am insecure a lot of the time. I am really nobody special and I know this. TRUST ME. I feel a sparkle of light down very deep, I don't see it, I feel it sometimes, but I know it is there. It is always there with me. This glimmer of shining serenity gets me through the hardest times. I allow this faith to creep slowly up around me, because I revel in the quiet joy while hesitating to believe it is even there.

I do not know if this makes any sense. I am hyped up on caffeine. McDonalds iced coffee is truly crack for someone as addicted to caffeine as me. (Probably 4 cups of black coffee per day). Back to my insecurities. I am trying to break free! I am somebody. I am a daughter. I am loved. I don't always feel it. It is there. I gotta have faith! Like the Limp Bizcut cover. Enough of this talking up, down, sideways. Time to do some homework. I will leave anyone that bothers to read this with three simple words:



PEACE ON EARTH!



*And to Bonnie* Thank you; you are an angel. I was drowning in self doubt, wallowing in depression, weighed down by a thousand boulders. Your comment meant the world to me. To know that someone randomly found my blog and felt a need to comment. Wow. I really can't show you my smile through words, I can't explain why I needed it, I can just say thank you. Thank you. God bless you.