Crash

I binged this entire weekend. I'm a mess. C. and I are fighting because he asked me to hang out again and I said I don't know. I am so full from so much food. Help help help help help. I haven't showered since Friday. The presentation went okay but I was visibly shaking the whole time. I am stressed about the past, present, and future. C. was too easy to push away.

I won't give you today's calorie count, it's enough to make anyone vomit uncontrollably. Definitely over 2000. I hate myself, sitting here in my pajamas at 11:11 pm, my phone hasn't rang all day, I'm a loser, baby. So why don't you kill me?

I just watched a few movies today, actually just parts of movies. I am so easily distracted that I turn the channel with every commercial and inevitably end up missing parts.

I hate me, I hate this fat ass and this fat stomach and these tree trunk thighs. I am grotesque and undeserving of anything good. C. is a good guy who WAS genuinely into me, and I pushed him so far away I bet I'll never get him back. All because he asked me out to go get food. I'm so FUCKING AFRAID of eating in front of people I said no and he thinks it has something to do with him! Ha!

What a joke I am, what a joke my life has turned into. I am a sad sad soul, going nowhere, alone.

Think thin, please.

I am fasting tomorrow, obviously, to make up for my disgusting binging this weekend. I need to NOT hate myself so much, it just seems impossible.