Hello, old friend

I didn't bother to read my last post here. It was probably more of the same woe is me crap. Depression, anxiety, addiction, and heart break - same as it ever was. For the last time I am writing these words: me and D. are done. It is finally official. How am I feeling? Pretty alone, but pretty fucking fed up. Our relationship was shitty from the start, with good points scattered here and there. Those good times kept me going for 14 months, and now, to quote girls everywhere, "I can't even.".Of course I am hurting. I feel a raw dull ache deep inside. I feel alone. But I know I am not, really. I have friends, family, and coworkers who care. Hell, the patients that come to our office even care. Is it enough? We'll see.

Just smoked my first cigarette of the day. Sipping coffee, feeling my pulse quicken, my fingers are hesitant over the keys, as if I've never typed before. It's been far too long since I've blogged here, though I have been writing, in a notebook of all places.

Man it just sucks. All of it sometimes, being alive, being a woman, being single now. It is hard to believe that we will not work, that he is just a part of my past, a crappy chapter in the book of Sar. Hurting so much, fuck.

I wanted us to work. For awhile, after the abortion, I needed us to work. I could not let go of the fact that it was with him, that he was there for me during the months of complications, the months of me bitching and crying, the hell I put him through. My heart breaks thinking about it. THIS FUCKING BLOWS.

I have heard nothing from him since Monday night. This isn't new, he loves ignoring me. But this time there will be no billionth chance. I don't know how he is, and it's hard to stop myself from worrying and caring. The thing is, he doesn't care. He doesn't worry. He is not concerned if I am alive or dead. In fact, the last time we talked on the phone, he said he hopes I die.

Are there good men out there? Will I ever move on? Time will only tell.

I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry my blog sucks now. I feel like I'm a downer.

Good things, good things, happy thoughts, positive energy...um, let's see. I am still very thin. My thinnest since early high school. I am wearing juniors jeans, extra small tops. My boobs still look great. My face has aged but...HAPPY THOUGHTS ONLY SARAH. My hair is growing longer. I have made new friends this year, one GREAT friend, my neighbor Eva. She is AWESOME. We chill and talk and blaze so much. We play board games and watch movies with her son, who is adorable and gives me hugs every time he sees me.

I had a fire dream last night, my first in awhile. I got out though. I got my cat and I got out. My ptsd is a struggle but I am fighting it.

I need to end this, eat lunch, and go to the bank before work. I am just getting over being sick and my period, despite the heartache this is the best I've felt in a week.

My laptop died back in August so my dad gave me his ancient one to use. It's SLOW AS FUCK but hey, I'm blogging. I'm online. It's something, for now.

Hope all is well with you. I miss you. Take care, and stay strong. I'd love a comment, if you get the chance. Update me, send advice, anything. Please :-/

XO
Sar

Ride of the Valkyries

I am SO mad. MaD. mAd.

Last night my goal was to get as fucked up as possible so I drank 3 glasses of wine and smoked copious amounts of marijuana. I even smoked a cigarette. Here's why:

Yesterday after work I went to Wal Mart. I was looking for mini scissors to trim my eyebrows with but ended up on a shopping spree of sorts. I got some pajama pants and hair gel and other assorted items. Hardly any food just an Amy's organic tv dinner and some yogurt. I bumped into 3 of T.'s best friends. I see them everywhere, and he's never with them. Yes T. the person who has got much space on this blog and time on my mind in the last year. Isn't that pathetic? I wanted to know exactly when I last had sex so I went searching through my words and posts over the months. It was February. Almost a year ago, jeez.

My point is that I am not over T. I guess. I saw his friends and awkwardly said hello. I looked for him and he wasn't with them. I texted him, stupidly. He did not answer, obviously.

Guys this is serious. I need to let him GO. I almost cried last night, after I saw them (T.'s friends) I got myself thinking about things and taking a familiar route towards thoughts of him and us. It is so DAMN STUPID. And the best part? Alllllll along, since him and I left each other in April, I've been seeing other men. He's been with his girlfriend and they're in "love". Fuck love.

So I wrote an emo fucking letter to T., which I'll never send. I smoked a little. I used el bano. I ate one yogurt (100 calories) and am feeling considerably thinner than yesterday. I went to bed hungry and woke up due to hunger. I hate hunger. I hate food.

I need serious help. I won't get it though, because it's like I am afraid of being okay. How strange to type that out. Why wouldn't I want to be okay? Probably because a troubled life is all I've known. So I'm used to getting the shaft in all situations.

The truth is that I have a lot to be grateful for and happy about. My parents are still alive and still together. No one in my immediate family is suffering from terminal illness (at the moment, knock on wood). I am not deformed or mentally handicapped. I am attending college in America. I am not living on welfare. I have a job (temporarily). I have a pet (which has it's benefits and disadvantages). I am not deaf or blind. I am not "ugly". I am not diseased. I am actually in a pretty good spot, it seems.

Maybe there's even more positives. I guess it's good to put myself in perspective. I am feeling so down today, it could be the gray skies and rain, it could just be my brain chemicals.

I am ready for another hair change. Right now it's highlighted. It's just growing so fast, and I think I'm ready to go dark. I will probably do that over Thanksgiving break, hopefully.


Oh man, thanksgiving: a time of gluttony and feasting. Sick. I will do my best to fast the entire day until the meal. I will only eat vegetarian food stuffs and little portions; no one will be watching, they'll all be helping with the baby (my nephew!). Maybe I'll just fill up on wine and salad, no one will be the wiser. Yup. I've got a plan.

I am not afraid. I can do this. I need to stay thin and be thinner. It's a good way to not hate myself.

Today I am getting coffee with C. We'll see how that goes...

Think thin.
xo ~ Sar

Ocean breathes salty

by Modest Mouse is a great song. There's a line, "you wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?" that describes the person I do NOT want to be. I will not waste life. Not one moment, if possible. I need to live like I'm free, which I am. Free and independent, blessed yet jaded. Which brings me to this week. Ugh, what a week it's been. I always thought my period week was the worst but I've changed my mind. It's the week after. The week after is when my hormones are on the move and I feel it!

I actually cried the other night. I never cry. J. and I were up until three in the morning going back and forth about why we shouldn't be together and emotions and just a whole bunch of stuff. As you can see, things aren't quite done between us. We're "friends" but there is something fishy going on. My intuition understands why he's holding back. He's not the only one, I'm holding back as well. Neither of us want a relationship but there is just this undeniable connection there. It's sad, really. And confusing.

It is six in the evening and I've ate one apple today. I'm really hungry! The idea of eating sickens me though, because I binged on Sunday & Monday. I know, I know. Terrible. The one and only good thing about binging (at least for me) is that I always manage to completely gross myself out. It's just...wrong. How much I can eat, that is. There is no stopping when "full". What the fuck is full? I eat until I hate myself. Then, I starve myself until I'm shaking and my head is pounding and I can't think straight and my stomach loudly growls, protesting it all.

The truth is, I can't fucking eat right. Even when I TRY. I buy healthy food and ignore it. I buy shitty junk food when I crave it and eat it until I decide I'll never eat it again, I'm so sick of it. Who eats until they hate food? Freaks like me and you, I guess. Ok. We're not freaks, we're products of society. My society bombards me with mouth-watering advertisements, drive thrus, vending machines, fast food, slow food, bad food, badder food, food, food, FOOD EVERYWHERE and it's really hard to deny the fact that we eat! We. Eat.

We have to eat and if we don't we die. I hate that about us, me, whoever. I hate food. Hate it. I hate food and I hate life when I eat. I hate life when I don't eat. I can't win.

I don't want to need anyone or anything.

I bought a winter coat today. Size *small*. It was originally $250, and I got it marked down for $111. Not bad! It's black, with buttons and it's trench style - very trendy. And warm. I like it. It's sophisticated.

Am I though? Am I this sleek sophisticate? I think not. I am a stoner slacker who blogs about food. LOL. My life is a joke.

In my lowly defense, I am into fashion. I love fashion magazines and make serious attempts at dressing well. That was one thing kinda good about the fire. I had to buy all new clothes, so of course right away I bought a bunch of cheap shit just to wear, but over the summer and this fall I've managed to get a couple cute things.

Sometimes all I can do is smoke a bowl and try not to hate myself so extremely. I'm at a point where, if something goes wrong, I literally yell at myself. I say, "you stupid idiot, dumbass, wow you're so fucking STUPID, goddamn you, die, you fucking cunt". Why Sar? Why am I doing this to me? It's so...hurtful. When I'm like that, it's not just words, I want to do something, I want to kill myself. I want to be dead during those moments.

But then, a few minutes pass, and I forget.My mind goes elsewhere, and then I remember later on, like now when I just recalled doing that earlier today. I just get so mad at myself. So critical. I want so badly to be perfect. I know this. I won't ever be though, and I have to constantly remind myself that no one is perfect and I am doing the best I can.

Wow, my head is killing me right now. Could be the smoke, could be the hunger, most likely it is just this stress I feel inside. I am stressed about EVERYTHING. I smoke to chill out but it doesn't always chill me out. The only thing that is going to work here will be me getting some shit done.

Thanks for the nice comments on my last post. I was really quite hurt by the whole ordeal, but J. apologized, and I'm thinking there's a good chance he made the whole thing up to "get back at me" for whatever I did on Sunday, which wasn't much, just me being my peculiar self and antagonizing a little. Either way, things with him are really weird. I am trying to forget about him, but he won't let me. We work together next Wednesday. Yay. And then he's supposedly leaving town to "pursue his dreams".

You know what I think? Every day is a chance to pursue dreams. It's not this thing in the future that you "do". It's now, it's preparation and perseverance. It's thinking and reflecting and making decisions. Life is what we make of it EVERY DAY. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Stay strong, all. Peace out.

Think thin*

:)

xo~Sar

empty IS strong.

I want to get higher. I dropped $25 yesterday on this green and I'm sitting her smoking it and just want to smoke and smoke until I'm high in the sky. I want to fly.

I love to sing. Did you know that? I sing everyday, out loud. To my cat and myself but never the mirror. I sound terrible, mostly. Every once in a great while I will use a softer voice and sound slightly rhythmic. My singing voice is harsh and I wish I could control it better. Story of my life, I wish to control it all.

I have been eating better yesterday and today. I don't understand my body shape. My bones poke through my skin and it hurts, only in certain places though. My rib bones hurt me! Wtf? Is this normal? Here is the weird thing, I am not bony. My stomach protrudes and I am flabby. I don't get it, like today I was happy to feel the pain of the bone poke, but also sort of freaked out. Any clue, world?

I think about cutting constantly. I long to trace a knife along my fragile pale skin and draw red blood. I won't because I am far too vein for scars. But I want to. And I think about it. Every time something goes wrong, or I feel emotional, or sad, mad, broke or threatened. I wish for the pain. I wish for the blood.

I just stood up, not too fast, just regularly, to look in the mirror (mirror-check, body-check, etc.). I had to stop, stand still, and close my heated eyes. Hot blood rushed to my head. Whoa.

I've had 950 calories today. Give or take a few, in light of the news that labels are usually wrong (thanks Africana). I know my body needs about 1200 to "run properly"/for "organ efficiency"/to prevent "starvation mode". . . fuck that shit it's for the birds.

From now on 1000 calories a less, every day. If I go over once or twice than I accept it and move on. No point stressing and increasing cortisol (ie.body fat). I will lose.
Isn't that funny? I'll bet most would want to say, "I will win".

I guess with me it's both, I want both. I want/need/will lose weight. I will win the war I am declaring on fatty, PRESERVATIVE-FILLED junk food.

Fruit and veggies for me, please. Luckily I like them : ) I was eating raw spinach out of the bag!

I am procrastinating insanely.
I need to write a paper, due February 1st. This damn paper has been intimidating me for months. Since the first day of class last semester when I read my syllabus and realized I'd be writing a 10 page paper, on Metaphysics, which is hard as fuck!!

Damnit I just need to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is wrong with me, I am just sitting here like life is fine, no big worries on the horizon. You'd think I would be concerned just a little with graduation!!!!!!! Like, do I want to graduate from college this year or stay another fucking semester? Heyyyyloooo Sar?

I have ADd.
Feels like it, anyways,

I am so light-headed.

I start a lot of sentences with "I". It's allll about me. Welcome to my blog. I wonder if I am this self-centered in public? I definitely have a tendency to ramble when I have someone's attention for a few minutes. Ugh.


I need a haircut, badly. I have been trying to grow my hair out since I chopped 9 inches off two years ago (!). It is so bad right now though, longish & wavy. I can style it cute, but like now, for example...it looks like crap.


I guess you can say I went from feeling high and poetic to down on myself in the span of this blog post.

Where do I go from here?

Think thin.
<3 Empty is strong.

Marriage looks scary.

I dread it. I dread the future at times. I am sitting here, contemplating my parent's happiness. I don't sense much, I feel scared at times, and there really is nothing I can do but accept the sad fact of the world's imperfection. I feel used at times. I feel like a user other times. I am listening to Sublime and typing somewhat ragged, to be expected after three glasses of wine. So many assignments on the horizon, so much opportunity for failure. Or success, depending on how I look at it that day. I take pictures. I dance in front of the mirror. I die a little everyday. I feel the weight of depression sometimes. When I am low, I am low. When I am high, I am happy and stoned and generally out of it, not thinking. Until my brain kicks my heart in the butt, and I start thinking. I think, I think, I think. I think. After all is said and done, I just fucking think. And stare, and wonder, and think, and love, and leave, and wait. Time after time, moment upon moment, hour on hour. It all goes so fast. I can't catch up with myself.

Nothing inspirational tonight, folks. All musings brought on by a ridiculous conversation/ fake palm reading/ the arrival of my parents/ speaking to my mom. Just friends. Evilness.