Feeling alright

Thanks, loves.

I had a long talk with my mom and realized that having friends who prioritize getting drunk over me, the caring listener, the one to always keep it real, is not the end of the world.

Friends are great to have around on weekends but more importantly when you need them. I needed them tonight. I thought they knew that, I thought she (my bff) would intuitively realize this.

But how could she? I've been saying all along, "it's no big deal". Well it was, it was a pretty big damn deal. I had built up these walls of expectations and they came crashing down as I sat here with a phone that wouldn't ring.

I felt like such a loser. I'm not though. I'm doing me. I don't need people to make my birthday good. I can enrich my day myself. From now on.

September fourth is over for another year.

***

I actually didn't gain weight over my vacation. That was a nice little surprise on the scale tonight. I'll probably be lower in the morning. Also, I met a guy at the airport.

Yes, the airport. He works there, he's one of the guys that direct planes and waves that orange glow stick. I met him at the bar; he was ordering food on his lunch break. I was drinking a screwdriver to calm my flyer's nerves. He came right over and we started talking. We've been texting every day and have plans to meet up next weekend. We'll see how it goes.

I'm always talking to at least 3 guys at any given time. It's funny.

If only I was that close with my girlfriends.

***

.Think Thin.

XO
Sar

Ride of the Valkyries

I am SO mad. MaD. mAd.

Last night my goal was to get as fucked up as possible so I drank 3 glasses of wine and smoked copious amounts of marijuana. I even smoked a cigarette. Here's why:

Yesterday after work I went to Wal Mart. I was looking for mini scissors to trim my eyebrows with but ended up on a shopping spree of sorts. I got some pajama pants and hair gel and other assorted items. Hardly any food just an Amy's organic tv dinner and some yogurt. I bumped into 3 of T.'s best friends. I see them everywhere, and he's never with them. Yes T. the person who has got much space on this blog and time on my mind in the last year. Isn't that pathetic? I wanted to know exactly when I last had sex so I went searching through my words and posts over the months. It was February. Almost a year ago, jeez.

My point is that I am not over T. I guess. I saw his friends and awkwardly said hello. I looked for him and he wasn't with them. I texted him, stupidly. He did not answer, obviously.

Guys this is serious. I need to let him GO. I almost cried last night, after I saw them (T.'s friends) I got myself thinking about things and taking a familiar route towards thoughts of him and us. It is so DAMN STUPID. And the best part? Alllllll along, since him and I left each other in April, I've been seeing other men. He's been with his girlfriend and they're in "love". Fuck love.

So I wrote an emo fucking letter to T., which I'll never send. I smoked a little. I used el bano. I ate one yogurt (100 calories) and am feeling considerably thinner than yesterday. I went to bed hungry and woke up due to hunger. I hate hunger. I hate food.

I need serious help. I won't get it though, because it's like I am afraid of being okay. How strange to type that out. Why wouldn't I want to be okay? Probably because a troubled life is all I've known. So I'm used to getting the shaft in all situations.

The truth is that I have a lot to be grateful for and happy about. My parents are still alive and still together. No one in my immediate family is suffering from terminal illness (at the moment, knock on wood). I am not deformed or mentally handicapped. I am attending college in America. I am not living on welfare. I have a job (temporarily). I have a pet (which has it's benefits and disadvantages). I am not deaf or blind. I am not "ugly". I am not diseased. I am actually in a pretty good spot, it seems.

Maybe there's even more positives. I guess it's good to put myself in perspective. I am feeling so down today, it could be the gray skies and rain, it could just be my brain chemicals.

I am ready for another hair change. Right now it's highlighted. It's just growing so fast, and I think I'm ready to go dark. I will probably do that over Thanksgiving break, hopefully.


Oh man, thanksgiving: a time of gluttony and feasting. Sick. I will do my best to fast the entire day until the meal. I will only eat vegetarian food stuffs and little portions; no one will be watching, they'll all be helping with the baby (my nephew!). Maybe I'll just fill up on wine and salad, no one will be the wiser. Yup. I've got a plan.

I am not afraid. I can do this. I need to stay thin and be thinner. It's a good way to not hate myself.

Today I am getting coffee with C. We'll see how that goes...

Think thin.
xo ~ Sar