The last thing I feel like doing is writing and reflecting. I'd much rather succumb to quick hits of dopamine via weed or reels. In fact, I'd rather be working. Alas, it must be done. I am flailing lately. Shit's been rough.
I have no excuse for my reservations. It's Saturday. I had breakfast, coffee, checked the mail, did the dishes, smoked half a joint. I've got music on. It's time.
My birthday was this week. That was the highlight of the week. Last weekend, I met up with family to have dinner for me and my dad's birthday. We were born days apart, but different years obviously lol.
It was tough on my mental state leading up to. I haven't seen them since May. We had the whole father's day drama occur. I had some nerves regarding how it would be, how I would feel, and how my dad would look. He's been quite sick for over a month. They are still trying to figure out what's going on.
It went fine, other than some initial awkwardness. Also the fact that my father is as thin as me. Very frail looking and weak. I'm worried about him.
He didn't text or call me on my actual birthday and that threw me for a loop this week. It brought my mood and self-esteem down. My therapist says it's all part of the established pattern of disappointment and encourages me to lower my expectations. Is expecting your dad to wish you a happy birthday within the realm of high expectations? I think not. But, thinking that way isn't really getting me anywhere. Hoping my dad will communicate with me hurts me every time.
Due to my spotty ability to control my mood, this week also had lots of fighting with K. Like to a point of nearly calling it quits on the relationship. I take stuff out on him. I am so triggered by seemingly everything. I'm trying pretty hard to retrain my animal brain and sometimes I do ok and more often than not I completely fail. It's painful. I want to see myself in a good light, but that is not possible when I get so mad at him. I have anger issues and we both know it.
I don't necessarily think breaking up with him is the answer. I feel that we share a true connection and there is a lot of love and great experiences between us. But we fight too much.
...but you know what? There has been too much fighting in every romantic relationship I've ever been involved in.
*mic drop*
No, seriously. I'm the problem.
It fucking sucks.
I need more help than I'm getting or I need to try something new. Like quitting weed, mama's little helper that I do daily without fail. Or working out regularly. Or volunteering my time to the less fortunate. Something.
But how to make myself make a change? I struggle to feel motivated. I put a lot of energy into my actual job that pays the bills, and spend a million nights getting high by myself.
Knowing I'm using as a crutch and actually forcing myself to stop are two different things. I have to understand why it's so daunting to quit. Or even stop for 1 day. I tell myself it's ok, it's medicinal. And yeah sure, it is. But it's also my Achilles heel. It's holding me back.
Help?
I suppose now is a good time to remind myself that I have managed to control my drinking. I rarely drink. And when I do, it's completely limited and in capable hands. I feel good about it. I should think that if I can do that I can do it with weed. Because I always loved drinking. The problem is that I've always loved weed so much more.
Weed is a security blanket. It wraps me in a dull buzz. I feel detached from literally everything. I become more aware of my brain-body connection. I become quiet, drawn inwards. My body wants to rest. My brain wants sometimes to explore and other times to be in the moment observing. It's fun. It's also kinda boring when it's all I ever do after work at night. I really need to get a handle on it. Sometimes I can be productive on it, but that's usually only when I'm feeling productive prior to getting high.
I gotta do it. Will I? Who fucking knows.
Peace.
~S
