Hang on to your ego

I feel like I'm never warm. My hands get so cold they start to hurt. I've been curling up into a little ball while I sleep at night only to wake to a stiff spine. I long for strong arms wrapped around me.

I'm off today. No school for the kids means no work for me. It's 1PM and I'm sitting here in my pajamas sipping tea. I have been struggling the past few days with stress. I told my therapist I wouldn't buy weed (well I said that I'd try) and on Sunday I gave in. It was a significantly less amount than usual. Really it's just a little taste to hold me over until...today? Just ran out.

A familiar panic sets in. Smoking is the most complicated relationship I have right now, the biggest time suck currently, my lover and my master. I love it. I love the smell, the taste, the buzz. And I hate it. I hate how it holds me back, how I hate myself for giving in to it, how much money I've spent on it over the years. 

It is my crucifix. I carry it everywhere and prop it up when I'm ready to stop and die a little. 

Oh, and it's not just the grass. Drinking has become a bit of an issue as well. Mostly because I don't know how or when to stop and end up blitzed, saying shit the very next day I wish I didn't. It sucks. 

Last Saturday I went to a sweet show, I love live music. I was drinking, of course, and then J. showed up. J. is a friend of a friend. We have met once before and kinda swing in the same circle. We had also been doing some friendly facebook messaging. 

I was already drunk when he got there. I was also high. I was in another world, living in another time. Anyway, he shows up and I say hi and run outside. I mean, run. I lit up a cigarette and talked to a self-proclaimed "reiki-master" who told me I have nothing to fear but fear itself - a cliche I hate.

I appreciated the alternate perspective though, so I went back in to talk to him. We flirted a bit, had some fun with our group and then it gets to be closing time and hey why not? let's head back to my place! It wasn't just us two. Two other friends came as well. And it was fun. Except...I was drunk. I said some stupid shit. I'm embarrassed.

I have not heard from J. since. Well, he "liked" a picture of my cat I posted on facebook on Sunday and that's it! No more messages. I messaged him Sat. night after everyone left saying thanks for the ride but nothing back. He doesn't have my phone number...didn't ask for it or anything. I mean, he could obviously get it very easily from anyone if he reallyy wanted to.

I am disheartened. I thought we were clicking. I haven't given up all hope but it's already almost 3 days later. Unless he's playing some serious game I sort of have to take the silence as disinterest. #bummed

My thoughts torment me, telling me it's my fault. It's always my fault. 

xo

S