I strive to be better

I'm sipping on a bud light and trying to relax: today has been hellish. Let it be clear that next winter I will NOT be where I am, I will be SOUTH. Ok, anyway.

Today: car was completely and utterly buried by thick white snow, the driveway had snow drifts up to my waist, J. came over and shoveled me out & I smoked him up as payment. He ended up driving me to work because we could not get my freaking car out of all the snow. For those of you who have never seen snow (if there's any?) YOU'RE LUCKY! 

Back to J. and his hottness (remember him? dude from work that was supposed to leave town weeks ago? musical guy?). Well I was just SO TOUCHED by his beautiful heart and then we worked together for four glorious hours (yes all that madness and shoveling was only for a short shift) and I must admit that I care deeply for this man, he is truly special to me. I understand the timing is not right but I'd love to marry him someday. It's not just about his looks, oh no. Today showed me that not only was he raised right but he was raised Christian, and that is becoming more and more important to me. He is a good person.

Anywho I'm home now (ended up getting a ride home from another dude, but he's engaged with a kid on the way; we used to work together, it's totally platonic between us) and smoking a bowl. I've been restricting but my period is coming up so I am bloating. I'm sure this beer I'm drinking will not help but hey, it's practically a diuretic.

One of my professors is SO THIN.. I've stared at her, up and down, not creepily I hope, during every class. Her collarbones, arms, legs, stomach, face, neck, everything is so so thin and I'm jealous. She's even had two kids!
But I think on the teacher evaluation form they always have us fill out at the end of the semester I will note that she is so thin it distracts from the lesson and makes me feel inadequate in comparison. It really does though. One week of classes left I can do it I can do it...

Oh and the debate went great! We got a 90 (out of 100)! So yes I am quite pleased about all that. I was quite sick last week but took the weekend to VEG the fuck out. I needed rest and relaxation so I just watched movies and took naps and smoked and ate soup and drank tea and I feel pretty much better. I gotta watch that I don't relapse but I should be ok.

Also! I scored some adderall thank goodness. 7 of them, to be exact. I haven't touched them; I'll use them to keep awake and write 8-10 page papers in 1 night. Oh what fun.

I can't wait to NOT be a college student. I am 24, time to grow up. I am quite proud that I'll receive my Bachelor's degree in a couple weeks. 

Well just thought I'd update a bit. I am hanging in here. I am trying. I could be doing better (always) but I am not killing myself over anything right now. I'm just trying to live.

I'm also trying to lose weight! Wahooo !

Think thin :) :) :)

Be strong :) :) :)

I love this picture!!!! I love Natalie Portman!! 

I want to see "Black Swan" soo bad! Looks like amazing thinspo:)

Hopefully these pretty ladies inspired you to ignore those "cravings" for junk food -- it's just your brain playing tricks on you. It's amazing how our brains try to take over, I say, fight it! I am more than a brain, I am better than a craving, I am a unique soul trying to better myself in every way possible. That obviously includes striving for a better body. Don't be fat. 

Be thin.

xo~Sar