Green Tea is Key

I've been up for three hours. In this time, I: rearranged my apartment (again), did all the dishes, did one load of laundry, fed the cat, and (most importantly) did NOT feed me.

It is now just slightly after noon and I'm sitting here with my tea. Soon I will shower and get ready, and then go shopping! I need another pair of jeans desperately. I cannot believe I am STILL rebuilding my wardrobe, but where I live there are four distinct seasons, and I must have appropriate dress for each.

Oh, the fire. My nemesis. Or is it? It happened, and lately I have been trying to take a Christian perspective. I'll try to tell myself, "God would not give me anything I couldn't handle" or "What does not kill me makes me stronger". I don't know if these sayings are true, but when I think them and try to believe them, I feel a little better about it. Just a little though.

Usually when I think about it, my chest tightens up and it becomes hard to breathe. My breath comes in sobs and I feel as if tears are next. I feel scared and mad when I think about the fire that I did not start. I feel like I should sue her. I feel bad for her. I feel bad for me.

So what to do?

Starve, of course.

If I can't be happy, I'll at least be thin.

I have been eating a lot mixed with eating a little, and I know that I haven't gained. I haven't weighed myself in ages, but don't really want to. Honestly I don't think I'll buy a scale. I don't give a fuck what I weigh ... I just want to look and feel thin.

That makes more sense to me. I can't determine my worth by a number, but I can judge myself with my hands and by what I see in the mirror. Oh yes, it is much easier to trust the mirror and my hands running down my body feeling for bones.

I love, in the two seconds before I fall asleep, when my hand goes to rest on its bed: my hip bone. I am so comforted by this. How strange, and yet, how perfect. I'll take being comforted by my bones over being comforted by food any day.

This hot green tea is tasty and filling. It is organic and zero cal. I've been drinking it a lot! I have heard it helps with weight loss and think it really does!

Ok. So. Tonight I will be hanging with C. again. Apparently we are dating. This is a good thing and a bad thing. I love love love my independence, but I also kind of hate it. I am stuck between these two conflicting thoughts and it's driving me mad. I like him, I really do. I think about him when he's not around, I am touched by his kindness, I get excited when he texts me, and we're taking things nice and slow, which is good.

The worst part is that I still feel fat regardless of my "positivity" up there. ^


I do not want him to touch my fatness. What if he tries to pick me up? What if I have to eat in front of him? *shiver* I WILL NOT EAT FOOD IN FRONT OF HIM UNLESS WE FALL IN LOVE. There, that's that. Fuck food. I will ALWAYS have an excuse. I will FUCKING NOT EAT IN FRONT OF THIS HOT GUY.

Am I crazy? Omg I feel so crazy. I have such insane thoughts sometimes, I mean, I recognize that they're insane, so that means I am not insane right???

SIGH.

I am so busy and stressed with school and work. I have been planning to quit my job. I think I just need to do it. I'll have more time and less stress. I FEAR seeing T. now. He hates me and I despise him. I can't risk working with his punk ass ever again. I can't risk talking to him or looking into his damned eyes. I really do hate him and fear him. My attraction to him has lessened, but i'm clearly not over him if "I hate him". I need to just forget him and appreciate the time we had for what it was: nada.

Easier said than done but I promise YOU that I have been trying. Having C. as a distraction helps. Being so busy and living such a chaotic, dramatic life helps.

So I guess I'll end it here. My counseling appointment was CANCELED on Friday ... I felt so let down :(

I need to talk talk talk it out but this is the best I can do, for now. It doesn't help matters that I'm pmsing but what can I do? I won't make the mistake of turning to food, I just WON'T. So you shouldn't either.

I know that whatever is bothering us will NOT be fixed by evil food. What will help is RESTRICTION AND MODERATION. Take that however you want it, I'm done censoring myself.

Think thin*


xo~Sar

Delusional death wish

I am so fat.


I hate everything about my fat self.


Fat fat fat fat fat I'm a fat fat fatty fuck it all.


i fucking wish i was dead. no point being alive when you're too fat to go to class, or too fat to pull up size 5 jeans. omg i hate myself kill me kill me just end it.


I'll never eat again.

Skinnies in the classroom

I'm fat today. Everyday. Some days it is more noticeable than others. Some days I eat until I can't stop. That is the case for this afternoon.

I started the day off restricting, obviously. I paused after class, to tell my professor how moved I felt from the subject matter. At first I had to look away and speak real slow so I wouldn't sob. It was embarrassing. But I am truly amazed at how far women have come and how far we still have to go in terms of civil rights and equality, especially in the work place. I really am fascinated with what we've been learning about, basically it's just American history; we're studying the Cold War Era specifically. I can't believe the reaction it evokes in me ... it's powerful. I couldn't zone out if I tried. My ears strain to hear every word spoken by the others in the room. My heart and mind race as I try to take it all in while simultaneously plotting and planning for a better future America.

Anyway. It led me to a binge. I got all worked up and wanted to eat I guess. No, scratch that. I didn't want to eat. I wanted to fill up the emptiness. It really grows and makes itself felt when I get to thinking about stuff that really matters. I feel so alone in my self. I feel solitary in my thoughts. I feel this strange sense of disconnect. I feel like I'm driving in the dark, lost, through dense woods and curved roads, blindfolded and speeding. It's scary.

My stomach hurts. Here's what I bought and ate this afternoon after school. Bag of Soy Crisps [410], pint of ice cream (I threw about 2/3 cup away) [665], Starburst [120], Hummus & Pretzel Pack [250].

All gobbled down in about an hour, maybe less. Sick ...

The plan? Water. Read. Sleep.
Class tomorrow and maybe a counseling appointment. I say maybe because I forgot. I am slightly losing it but still holding on. Tomorrow will be better.
There is nothing worse right now than this fat feeling. How do the fatties do it? Don't they constantly notice this ... pressure and pretense and such? It sickens me, to feel this full. Off junk. I need to get over this compulsive binging. It's really quite gross and I don't want to be like those people who eat and eat all day everyday. I'm not one of those people. I was thriving on 280 calories from 6 this morning until about 5:30 in the afternoon. I enjoy restriction, it's good for me.

So I'l continue going as long as possible without eating. If I eat, I eat. All this eating does is piss me off and make my brain feel worse. I talk the shit about myself inside my head, only when I eat though. When I'm not eating I'm fine. Well, better than this.

Think thin please. Be thinspo. We all need it.

There are definitely some thin girls in my classes. I love it. I can't help but stare sometimes. Is that creepy? Please tell me you do it too. It's thinspiration and I won't be stopping. I mean I'm not obvious, unless maybe they know they are super thin and are used to the second looks. Whatevs, I do what I want.

Take care. Peace. Love.

Dragons

I just had to write. I spend enough time on the internet, I might as well get my thoughts out there, especially when they're bouncing around my head causing chaos. I had this incredible surge of energy this afternoon and moved some stuff around in my apartment, hung posters, and nailed a blanket over the closet. I wanted to take a little smoke and blog break though. So here I am.

I ate today. It's four in the afternoon, I've been up since six in the morning, and I've had: Luna bar [180 cal], a banana, half of which was sliced and added on top a mini bagel with some peanut butter [250], 2 string cheeses [160], a baked potato with some salsa and shredded cheese [200], and a pudding cup [70]. I feel huge. So huge, in fact, that I skipped class. I felt too fat to go. Isn't that fucked up? As if anyone is judging my fatness. Well, I hope they're not ... because I am, I'm a judge, I'm a harsh critic of myself. I have to be. Today is screwed.

My total calories for this sunny Tuesday? 860.

I'll stop there. That's IT! Luckily, I work in two hours, and I'll be there all night. I'll probably grab a snack when I get home later, but I'll try my best not to. It's just not worth it.

It's a shame really. I'm skipping class for no reason other than I am lazy. I did get some stuff done around here, but it needed to be done anyway. I should have had it done last week. I'm a lazy fat ass, ugh.

Puff. Puff.

I'm retaining water, like I always do, the week before my period. I know it's happening but I hate it! I just decided I'm going to pop a Midol to decrease the bloating. There, hopefully that eases my mind a little. Isn't that what this is all about? Getting our minds to shut the fuck up about our weight? Oh how I wish I had more control of myself.

I wonder what it's like NOT living in America. Does every other country have this societal pressure to be as thin as possible? Do other countries have the disgusting, fattening, junk food that we serve everywhere, making it a fucking struggle to maintain the ideal thinness? It's like being in between a rock and a hard place. I am not necessarily bashing my country. I've just been bombarded by thin since I was a little girl. Bombarded. By thin. Every. Day.

On the radio: commercials for diets and weight loss pills; advertising restaurants describing their specials using colorful, mouth-watering words.

On TV: beautiful thin actresses and actors of all ages; weight loss pill commercials with "before" and "after" pictures; diet commercials with images of all the great food you can eat if you just buy their plan!; restaurant and brand name food product commercials, always accompanied by images of their wonderful food.

I'm not sure that I've ever seen a fruit commercial, like "eat fruit" ... they're usually the opposite, showcasing junk food like pizza, macaroni and cheese, fried chicken (if you eat that, I don't), pies found in the frozen section, and of course, ice cream. TV sickens me.

Everywhere else: thin girls and boys in the grips of eating disorders, everywhere. It's sad but I can pick it out in my head. I see her and I know that she is hungrily staring at and considering the pastries in Starbucks but she'll just order her black coffee or tea and be on her way. I see him in class, sucking in his stomach; his arms are tooth picks, his tummy is not there. I see the group of girls in my work, the skinny ones get a diet soda, the fat one of the group grabs candy, soda, and maybe an impulsive cookie (they sit and tempt by the register), the rest will always get candy and maybe iced tea but they're just average-sized so who cares about them.

Everywhere else is what I see everyday. I am one of these disordered individuals and I wonder if anyone wonders about me. I feel like people love mentioning food in front of me, but maybe I just notice that more than most because I'm obsessed.

I hate food. I hate having to eat. I hate that I lose control in the presence of food. I hate that I have to be hungry. I hate that I can't eat in front of people. I hate that I obsess. I hate that I don't care. I hate that I do care.

I'm sick of it but not done. I need to lose weight. It's not about happiness or control or something stupid and textbook; I just need to do it and that's a fact.

So, brain, leave me the fuck alone. You don't know shit about what I need.

I need nothing.

Note

Hahaha I keep losing followers. That's cool, I wouldn't follow me either. I'm a bad influence.

In other news. I'm hungry! No food yet today and it's already 5:30 PM. Just coffee and tea :) I like this feeling. I like the appreciative glances I receive when walking around on campus or a store or something. People like skinny. It's a fucking fact.

Today I met up with C. for coffee and a walk and lots of swinging on swings at a playground. We had a great time and talk. He gave me a few things for my birthday, which was TOTALLY unexpected but completely touching. He is a sweetheart and so, so, strong. He's built but looks thin. He crushes me when we hug, which I obviously love. He is a great kisser too :)

We'll see what happens with all that, I'm terrified of commitment but he might be worth it. IDK.

My birthday was ok. My friends took me out and got me massively drunk (I didn't puke though *sad face*). I had fun but birthdays are filled with unspoken expectations and the whole shebang kind of makes me sick. I don't want to have all that attention. I don't want everyone to know I am [GASP!] aging! Lol who cares though, right? Just like I don't give a fuck that 3 people decided to stop following me in like 2 weeks. I get it, I haven't been posting, whatever. I guess it stings a little -- but it's not like I've never stopped following a blog.

I mean, it's just ME. And like I said, I have bad habits and I am not a good influence at all. I drink, I smoke, I do drugs, I skip class, I starve myself, I eat whole pizzas sometimes; I am just kind of a hot mess but you love it. That's right, YOU! You, who is reading, spellbound, by my amazing, dramatic, traumatic life and lifestyle.

SO that's that, and I can't even type anymore. I'm way too hyped up on coffee and my fingers are not working. Maybe my body needs sustenance ... well I say FUCK YOU body! You're too fat for food.

Think thin*


xo~Sar

90 degrees and I'm a little insane

I've neglected this blog. My fears are starting to take over, and the fears of actually documenting what I'm eating and what's been going on have constructed this invisible shield between the computer and I. In other words, I had to start a blog on Blogger for a class, and I am terrified that the two will somehow be linked, and my classmates will start reading about my eating disorder. However, today I do not care. I need to write, so write I will.

My life is so full and busy, yet I feel as if something is missing. I feel incomplete, somehow. I have started talking to myself again.
Here's some of what has been going on:
A friend from back home died last week; he overdosed on drugs and it killed him. Here's how horrible of a person I am: I took off work to go to his wake, and didn't go. I stayed here. I didn't want to drive all the way back just to be sad and surrounded by devastated people. I am selfish for doing this, but today, finally, I said a prayer to him. I spoke out loud in my car on the way to school early this morning. I feel better because of it.

I just devoured an entire bag of Bugles. Total calories in the bag? [480] Holy hell I'm out of control. I was doing fine. I had a banana with some peanut butter for breakfast and I remember thinking in class, "I'm not hungry, I haven't thought about food for about an hour." It was a striking thought. I am usually always thinking about food, like what I'll eat or not eat, when I will or won't eat, what other's eat, food I saw in a blog somewhere, etc. So the realization of food leaving my mind must have freaked me out.
After class, I walked around for a bit and ended up at the school store [the devil in disguise]. I bought 2 apples, a water, a juice ... and at the last minute, those damn counter-dwelling impulse buys caught my eye, and I grabbed my bag of Bugles [crunchy corn snacks] [ugh]. I drank exactly half the juice on my drive home, came in, washed my hands [I'm obsessed], turned on my computer, grabbed some salsa, opened the bag and sat down. And ate. And ate.
And now the bag is empty save for some crumbs and I am full, with the familiar feeling of an expanded stomach.

I sit here now, hunched over, desperately thirsty but too high to remember to take a sip of the water placed next to me, and I'm wondering if i'll ever get past this binge eating.

I mean, I've done okay on the eating front, but lately I've been getting these crazy urges to binge. Like, I just want to. Who wants to binge??
Someone who's been restricting, that's who. My brain takes over and orders my hands to pick up food and eat it.

I am dizzy. I feel nauseous and tense and really just want to jump in the lake. Yes there is a lake very nearby, and it's so pretty to look at. Maybe I'll take a walk, oh wait, nevermind. I already showered today and it's probably 90 degrees F out there. I don't want to get all sweaty because I've two more classes today. And then? Tomorrow is Friday! My birthday is this weekend, ahhhhhhhhhhh! Hope it's not terrible.

I don't recall what I did last year. Haha wow my memory is shit. No wonder school is not my strong point, I can't play the system if I don't memorize the teacher's monologues and spit them back out on a test.

I feel really sick. I've got to go. I'm going to watch the movie required for my next class. I've got two hours.

Stay strong. Don't be weak like me. Don't eat food that comes in a bag, it's just a really stupid idea.

It's 11:28 AM and this is what I've ate: banana, spoonful of peanut butter, Bugles, apple.

Nothing else. I will be in class until almost five anyway. I hate myself for giving in to temptation. I'm going to smoke my bowl and think about what I did and why I did it.

Why did I do it? Loneliness? Boredom? Fear of time spent alone? Hobby? Self-destruction?
All of the above?

Take care, lovelies.

Think thin.

xo~Sar

Run Like Hell.

I suppose I'm the kind of girl who is easy to blow off. I sit here for the second night in a row, wondering. No one ever asks me to do anything, and when I get a random request to go drinking from a chick I'd like to be friends with, I take it seriously. But I'm sitting here at ten P.M. on a Friday, waiting for a text from a girl I barely know, so we can meet at the bars. T. is playing in a band tonight, so that's really why I was hoping to go out with someone. I don't want to go alone. Too much opportunity for my fears to show in my face. Also, I truly do want to hang with her! We have a class together and I want friends!

Well oddly enough, she just texted me. She's in a different town, "just leaving". I have no fucking idea what that means and at this point, I want to do what I did last night: get ready for bed and go to sleep early. How sad.

Hi guys, I know I have not been being a good blogging buddy, but understandably I've been busy. I started work and school again. I am taking care of a brand new apartment and trying to keep me and my cat healthy. My commute to school and back will put over 100 miles per week on my car. I am under stress. I visited the counselor today for the first time since May. I like him. He knows me *decently*. I feel sick with anxiety, but that's sort of the norm for me.

I am definitely losing weight. I've had really good control over my eating since I've been here :) It's nice being back on my own, it's just very lonely. I really don't have many friends here. The only people I text on the regular are my various "love interests".
I broke things off with A.
I am pining after T.
I made out with C. last weekend.
(a guy who I've been talking to off and on for awhile - he lives out this way).

T. is still with his ugly girlfriend. She came into my work when I was working with him. It was awkward and painful. I hate that he's so happy with her. I need to observe them more. I give myself a headache just thinking about it.

Hope you all are well. I don't know what the fuck to do tonight. Part of me wants to drive allll the way downtown in hopes of seeing/talking to T. because ... who am I kidding? I love talking to him. His gf will certainly be there, and all their friends, because they have this cute, happy little friend-circle that is very tough to penetrate! And also it'd be cool to drink with a new friend. But if I don't hear from her by 11 PM I am staying in. Fuck it all.

I'm beat, anyway. I've been doing too much. Too many cigs and black coffee. I've given myself some crippling heart burn. Any help with this?? What can I do??

Take care. Wish me luck this semester, it's already off to a pretty crazy start. I need a miracle to keep my mental state well. I need some friends to keep me sane. Oh yeah, and my birthday is next weekend. Joy! NOT. I actually do not like my birthday. I am embarrassed by it.
So I'll be going home. To my other friends. I don't even want to do anything, but if I do, I can be around people that know me somewhat and that I know a little. And it'll maybe be normal. What the fuck is normal? I do not know.

I know how to get thin, so I'll be practicing that. Talk to you later.

xo

You can wear anything you want when you're thin, you can do your hair in any way. 

You can go make up free, you can do anything...because you're thin,

and that's a fashion statement. 

Be thin <3

xo~Sar

Day 2.

This is my second night alone in my new apartment. My cat is asleep on my bed, I am sitting up on my futon, smoking a little and listening to some music while searching for things to read online. It is Friday night and I could care less about being out at the bar, which is where the majority of this town is. It's a "party school" well that begs the question, isn't every college known for partying? That's what we college folk do on Thirsty Thursday and Frantic Friday and Sake Saturday. Oops, can't forget Sunday Funday. And Tanked Tuesday. Ohh, College Town, you've turned me into a drinker.
I even bought a bottle, so don't let me kid you here. I am not against partying, yes I was being a little sarcastic there but that's only because I resent those college kids with trivial lives. I resent their lack of introspect, solitude, and experience.
It's not like I'm so old, or super experienced myself. It's just me, and what's happened to me. A lot. My mom agrees and when I talk about my life, my friends back off, get quieter, noticeably force another subject out of awkwardness/pity. My eyes and forehead ache of out creased stresses. My smile is grim and unforgiving. My eyes focus not on yours, but deep down into the very crevices of your being. I wonder to myself, is this person lying to me? Could this person be trying to pull a fast one on me?

I am paranoid, possibly delusional, frail, tough, and nauseous. My eyes burn with exhaustion and my contact lenses are stuck on tight. I can't move.

This place smells of scented cat litter. I should light a candle.

Ha. Ha.

Yeah right. I'll never light a candle again. I walked past my old building today. The one where I lived for almost a year of my college experience. It still stinks of dust. I wanted to cry, I really did. Instead I became numb, and then unsteady. I spoke with an elderly man who I knew from my work (customer) and he picked up on my distress. He showed me pottery; I made a quick exit, embarrassed but not ashamed.

I'm out of water.
My cat is still asleep. It's almost two in the morning, I work at one in the afternoon. I work the next 3 days in a row. I am on my period. I ate some food tonight. I am feeling sort of low, but not deeply depressed.

I miss the scale that was at my parent's house, if you can believe that. So now I'll have to buy one. I need to know how much I weigh.

I suppose I'll go take out my contacts and move to my bed. Idk.

A few hours later. I am beat, laying in bed, not sleeping. The stupid fucking cat is wide awake and ravaging this place. I'm pissed off and pmsing.

Just wanted to finish the post. Peace, people.

Think thin.

Anxiety.

Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, I'm moving tomorrow. I've been waiting all summer for this and I'm as nervous as can be. Therefore I'm sitting here listening to music, drinking coffee, and smoking a peace pipe. My stomach is in knots. I even had breakfast because I felt so anxious; I made scrambled eggs (2) with some mozzarella & 1 slice of whole wheat bread on the side. I didn't even toast it, I just wanted my nervous stomach to go away.
Well it didn't, and now I am also regretting eating and wanting to puke but not wanting to puke so I'll just sit here and write a little, instead.
I have so much to do. I have so much to organize and pack. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, can I do this? Can I do this? can I do this? Can I do this?
I think so, yes.

In other news, I hung with A. last night :) I dressed up; I wore a strapless blue summer dress with a black short sleeve cover up over it, tied in a loose knot. I also wore flip flops. Haha, it makes me laugh thinking about it - because we ended up taking a hike down through a gorge. I got hot and sweaty, but it was exhilarating. He extended his hand a few times, and brought us both a water. He planned for this, I did not; I only planned on looking pretty.

Lol right?

It was actually really cool. I was a trooper. (Plus it was great exercise). It was a nice night and it gave us both a chance to see how the other handled themselves in such a situation. He is kind and attractive. He is not the best listener in the world, but I can tell he tries. We talk about superficial things, for the most part, but last night he said he wanted to talk about things "that matter" like "life plans".

Whoa.

I have no life plans, really, okay that's a lie. I plan to finish college by December. I plan to work my job until then. I plan to seek a job where I move after I graduate. I plan to be happy and thin! So there! I do have plans.

Ugh, I don't know though. We kissed goodbye, he picked me up and dropped me off in his new jeep. He stays on my mind. There is just something holding me back. It's not T. to my dismay. It's me.
It's me me me me me me me and only me.

I'm my own worst enemy. I sabotage my happiness and feelings of accomplishment. I do this because it is what I know, and I think I may be a tad scared of success. Strange, huh?
Who is scared of success? It's not even that I think I'm so great ... I just worry about it? I worry how I'll handle it? I worry that I'd mess it up.

If I apply these worries to A. and I's imminent relationship, then what? More hurt? I can't deal with that. I am not ready to be hurting again.
I mean, everyone hurts every day, in some way. For me, it is always lurking under the surface - this sadness, worthlessness, fear, anxiety, pressure, pain, poison. I usually don't let it bubble over and ruin me. I usually keep shit in. I don't want this/me to be exposed. It'd be salt to my wound; it would be flesh being ripped off.

These are the things I think about: the pain I may or may not but most likely will be feeling down the road.

Oh Sar...

I haven't taken a hit in awhile, let me clear my head.

[I'm moving out of my parent's house tomorrow into my own place. I will be solitary again. Not completely, I'll be with cat. *I can do this*]

move, work, school, stop thinking stop thinking stop it stop this now.

I just want to live in the present.
Tonight I will be with A. again, and then when he goes to work it'll be a final (for now) rendezvous with my best friend.
And that's tonight ... how about I concern myself with now? Like all the packing!
Alright friends, this is goodbye. For now.

Think thin today. I ate breakfast but that's going to have to be it. I plan to conveniently leave when my family is eating dinner. I hate food. Food sucks.

xo.

My nerves are shot.

I'm a nervous wreck. I'm sitting here, shaking, sipping strong black coffee. I am moving in two days and I am not packed at all. I am supposed to hang with A. tonight. I want to get my hair highlighted. I have so much to do and literally not enough hours. The sad thing is, I've had all summer.

That's me, in a nut shell. Procrastinator. Buzz-seeker. Scared shitless.

You'd think I wouldn't have much to pack, considering all I lost to the flames... you'd think! However, I've done quite a bit of clothes/shoe shopping. I also have linens to bring, everything for a bathroom & kitchen, stuff for the cat, etc. I'll say it once more: I'm a fucking wreck right now.

I should be feeling groovy. Things are going okay. Sure, I binged on cereal last night, but yeah, it's all cool, baby. I'm not eating today. That's that.

I'm not allowed to waste precious time eating, nor would I want to partake. Food just makes me fat. So instead, I'll chug coffee, listen to music, do laundry, go get a pedicure, and hang with A. until he goes to work tonight (he works nights). After that, I'll come home and work some more, or relax, because there's always tomorrow.
But Thursday! Will be here before I know it! It's already Tuesday! I'm scared! I'm nervous! I'm anxious. I need a fucking Xanax. I'd sniff that shit up!

Hope I'm not boring you with my worries, but if I can't bother you, who can I bother? I think after I toss all my sheets in the dryer I'll take a walk. I need to chill the hell out. Seriously.

Ok, this week: Pack,move, unpack, organize, go to work for the first time in months, go to school for the first time in months.
Do it all again. Hit the ground running. Excel in class. Excel out of class.

I can do this. *huge, deep breath*

Oh, and don't forget to buy a carton of cigarettes, Sar. You know you're going to want them when you're out there.

Ok, and now I'm talking to myself. Holyshit. Losing it.
No, no, no.

STARVE ON!
This is the week it counts, I'm about to debut in College Town. I want to be looking great :)

Quick Question: Does anyone else watch "Huge" on ABC Family? I lo0ove that show!!! They talk about compulsive eating disorder, bulimia, etc. It's also really engaging and well-scripted. The actors are divine.

SO watch it!

Anyone else going back to school this week? GOOD LUCK!!!

Let's think thin! Let's fast today! Who's in? Keep me strong, peepz!

Ok, enough of this... I need to get moving. I also need to refill my coffee. I guess staying up until six in the morning was a mistake because I'm dead tired.

Fuck food.
It's gross.
It makes me fat.
And you, it makes you fat.
So stay away.
Stay strong.
Think thin.
Be thin.
Get thinner.

I love her tiny waist. He's pretty thin, too. For a dude. But she... she's glamorous. 

Be her.

xo~Sar

Boy-Crazy

I've really changed this summer. Starting, obviously, on April 5th (the night the fire happened). I sit here pondering my recklessness, and find that I really can't even look myself in the eye. I detest my actions at times, and yet I feel this growing appreciation for my unique character.

I've been busy, which is why blogging has fallen to the wayside. I'm popular, honestly. And somewhat of a guy magnet. I am also selfish, foolish, and shy. I am a tease. I've kissed three boys in three days. Isn't that funny? One of them was my ex-bf John. We went swimming with his son and just had a simple, innocent kiss when he dropped me off at home. The next was my *first kiss* with A. It was pretty great, actually. Electric, if you will! He is the shorty with the killer blue eyes. We might be dating, but I'm not sure, because.... last night I made out hardcore with N. (my best friend's brother). We were drunk. We could have had sex (I slept in his bed) but I said no (because I really care for A.) and it was fairly fun, but there really are no sparks between us. With N. ... it's just, easy. To come on to him. To make him think I want him. To tease him. We probably won't speak for awhile.

Well, now that you think I'm a slut I suppose I'll change the topic. I love restricting. I love puking up alcohol every hour or so when I'm drinking with friends, it keeps the bloat down and I can handle myself way better. Puking is so calming, yet so, so, fucking gross. The other night I was at my friend's house and I kept excusing myself to use the bathroom; I would jam a few fingers down my throat and puke up wine. It burned (obviously) and I was pale, but I just ... love it. I love the control. I love thinking that maybe they are wondering about me. I love being able to do something that others might think about but never dare to do.

I am in over my head.

Cardio does the body good.

Hey there! I just chugged an iced coffee and feel quite jittery! It is 9:30 at night and I'm about to get ready for a bonfire with some friends. I think I'll get drunk tonight.

Wow I am seeing spots in front of my eyes, that's weird.

I did some organizing/packing today, which feels great. I am moving next week! Crazyness! Can't wait! Me and my kitty will be cast back out in the real world, and I'm looking forward to the challenges I will be facing in coming months.

My weight is pissing me off. The scale says 136, which is unbelievable to me, but I don't FEEL so fat, maybe because I've been eating decently. I am really trying to stick with this, not even just to be thin... I mean being thin is obviously extremely important, especially in this day and age, but I feel my motivation changing.

Lately I've been worried/obsessed with the quality of the food I choose to ingest. I am deathly afraid of MSG (a food additive that contributes to food addiction used in the USA) and have been spending some time reading about it, and what foods have it. It's in freakin' everything! And in some/most cases it causes developmental issues, mental illness, and other scary things.
I might just blame my MSG consumption when I was younger on my ADD. When you're a kid (at least for me), it's way too easy to find the foods marketed to kids: colorful junk food with cartoon characters plastered to the front to draw the young in.
I remember eating bright pink "Gogurt" which is "yogurt" in a tube with all sorts of chemicals, flavorings, and colors added in. I also remember flavored apple sauce and fruit roll ups and lots of candy and boxed foods, like potatos and macaroni and cheese, and sliced turkey lunch meat. Yes I used to eat that shit when I was younger and I can't hate myself for it, or my parents for being slaves to advertising and buying it, all I can do is educate myself and stay far, far away from it now.

Holy shit I just did 200 jumping jacks (good advice ST) and now I am out of breath and sweaty! Dang I need to quit smoking. Ah well, we all have our vices.

Time to shower!

Love ya'll, thanks for reading.

THINK THIN!!!!

because


NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS!!!!!!

<3 Sar

News.

I GOT AN A!!!!! IN MY SUMMER CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!

My first A in who knows how long. College can SUCK IT because I OWN IT!

In other good news, I did 100 jumping jacks yesterday and today. Not much, but it's a start. I would really like to tone up my arms a little.

Time to go pump up our economy aka SHOP!!!!!!

Love ya'll.

*think thin*

Diamonds in the sand.

I'm inspired by you all. Your comments highlight my day neon yellow against the usual bleak black and white disordered thinking. I know that my words make a difference. I know that my posts spark a light in you sometimes, compelling you to click "Add Comment", and I love that about you and me. So thanks for that.

Today has been weird. I slept until almost 4 pm. That will happen when I stay up until 6:30 in the morning. My sleep schedule is BEYOND fucked. Last night I went to my best friend's house. We watched a corny movie called "Adventureland" and drank a bottle of wine between the two of us. It was refreshing, just me and my girl, chit-chatting. I needed that and I'm going to really miss it when I return to CollegeTown. I do not look forward to the isolation but I will bury myself in my classes because hell, it's my last semester. I might as well do good and finish with a bang. I mean, my GPA sucks, like completely blows, but whatever. I'll do what I can to raise it a point or two. Hopefully. It's real fucking easy to say that now, sitting in the safety of my parent's house, away from the madness. Ah well, I'll get there when I get there. I'm not making sense: I'm going to hit 'Enter' and start over.

Oh hey, yup I'm still here, blogging. My fingers are flying fast over these damn keys and all I really want to do is tell ya what I ate today, because it's gross. Don't you want to be grossed out? Think thin! Ok, here we go: Starting with this morning: an egg and cheese on english muffin. a peanut butter and jelly on 2 slices of whole wheat bread. After I woke, I had an apple. At dinner I ate a large chopped salad and a baked potato with salsa and cheese.

Good Lord that's a lot of carbs. What the fuck? I am the carb queen most days. *My stomach nods in agreement*.

I'm sitting here, wanting to text T. SO BAD!!!!!! But what would I say? Great advice Flushed, I really do need to CHOOSE to let him go. I just haven't reached that point yet. I don't necessarily want to let him go. I even changed his name in my phone to 'No Texting' LOL I am so sad about this. I know myself, I am only holding on for the hell of it. It's a little rush of excitement, it's the idea of maybe seeing him at work or school once I'm back, it's his eyes, it's everything. It's me being the girl who wants what she cannot easily have. It's the fact that he has a girlfriend and I would like nothing more than to break them up. It's the fact that I hate his girlfriend for being short and skinny and straight-haired (compared to my tall, "curvy", curly-haired self). It's the fact that this October I'll have known him for a whole year, and my stupid ass actually thinks that MATTERS.

Is this borderline obsessive? Am I getting scary? Jeez, lock me up!

Alright, decision made. I just texted him. SIGH!!!!!!! The things I do, but I am a firm believer in Love. I believe that if at first I don't succeed, I should try again. And really, I do want this guy's friendship. My last semester at school will be a lot easier if I'm not fearing running into him. It will be great if we can be like, "Hey, how are you?" in passing.

Oh, who am I kidding??

I want him back, goddamnit damnit damnit damnit!
It's NOT happening right now, Sar! Get a fucking grip, girl!!!!!!!

I need to do what ST suggested, and FOCUS ON ME! What does Sar need? Sar DOES need a pedicure. Sar also needs to organize her stuff. Sar also would reallllly like to kiss a boy. So you know what? I'm going to make that stuff happen.

My head is fuzzy. I am high on living life. I hope it's all going to be ok, I really do.

Think thin, please. I am TRYING TO! Thin is in. Thin = Discipline.

But remember, there IS such thing as "Too Thin". I've seen it. I just want to feel sexy and comfortable with myself, I will never be a walking skeleton, and that's ok! I know what my limits are! Do you?

Love is a lie.

I can't remember the last time I blogged. Haven't had much to say, maybe? Nah, that's not it. I just haven't had any energy. The life has been sucked out of me. Too much partying, too many cigarettes, way too much alcohol. Not enough food, then too much food. No sleep, then 12 hours of sleep, then none again. My body is messed up.

I saw T. over the weekend. I went to college town to meet up with him, we got coffee. That was not my purpose for going there, but it sure made my day. The reason I went out there is because Tom (remember him? dude I kissed on Dec.31) invited me to a party. A "retro" party... so I put on a really cute dress and high heels and met up with T. for coffee. And, goddamnit, it was wonderful. He looks as good as ever. He is gorgeous, and well-read, and so nice to talk to. Oh, but he's got a girlfriend. So he's off-limits. FUCK!

It was a mistake, I see that now, because meeting up with him for a little less than an hour made me fall in love with him.

Stupid, stupid Sar.

He gave me some music for my computer, we talked, we sipped coffee. We made eye contact, and oh god his *eyes*. So blue, so perfect.
I made it seem like I was seeing A. Just for leverage I guess. Because I'm definitely not. At the moment I am so sick of every guy I know. I want to feel it like I felt it with T.

And so I'm single. And in my pajamas everyday all day. I am a bum. My room is a mess. My heart has been broken by T. way too many times. He informed me, through text, after we met up, that him and his girlfriend "love each other"...FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER THEN.

Love? Really? I didn't realize you could fall in love after two months. That makes me sick. And jealous.

I've been losing weight since last week's panic. The scale has been going down but I am not satisfied. I won't be, until I hit 130 again. This is fucking ridiculous.

Everyday: I wake up. Do a mirror check. Weigh myself. Hate myself.

Start sipping water. Give in to the hunger pains. Eat something. I've been eating lots of fruits and veggies, luckily, but I also tend to scarf down chips and cookies when no one is watching. It's pathetic.

I'm pathetic. I went and had coffee with another girl's boyfriend. That's all he is, right? It's horrible, just disgusting. If there were no sparks between us it would be so much easier to forget I know him. It would, it really would. But there is that something.

And I can't let it go.

My mom thinks it's because he is attached, unreachable, and committed to another. She says I want what I can't have.
I say, if he's so committed then why the hell did he meet up with me? Oh god, there's holes in my justification and excuses. I am . .. ..... . . . .


I am tired. I have so much to do.
I am in love with a boy who does not feel the same.

I don't understand why this happened.

At least my summer class is done, that's something, I guess. It gave me something to focus on. And now it's over. I am alone. I am avoiding people lately. I am in pain. The fire never leaves my mind. I keep remembering the night it happened. I keep remembering the shock and fear I felt. I also remember how T. was there for me that night...
It's what any friend would do, I suppose. Well no, not just any friend.

I need some advice. How do I forget about this dude? How can I make my heart stop yearning for the impossible?