Dragons

I just had to write. I spend enough time on the internet, I might as well get my thoughts out there, especially when they're bouncing around my head causing chaos. I had this incredible surge of energy this afternoon and moved some stuff around in my apartment, hung posters, and nailed a blanket over the closet. I wanted to take a little smoke and blog break though. So here I am.

I ate today. It's four in the afternoon, I've been up since six in the morning, and I've had: Luna bar [180 cal], a banana, half of which was sliced and added on top a mini bagel with some peanut butter [250], 2 string cheeses [160], a baked potato with some salsa and shredded cheese [200], and a pudding cup [70]. I feel huge. So huge, in fact, that I skipped class. I felt too fat to go. Isn't that fucked up? As if anyone is judging my fatness. Well, I hope they're not ... because I am, I'm a judge, I'm a harsh critic of myself. I have to be. Today is screwed.

My total calories for this sunny Tuesday? 860.

I'll stop there. That's IT! Luckily, I work in two hours, and I'll be there all night. I'll probably grab a snack when I get home later, but I'll try my best not to. It's just not worth it.

It's a shame really. I'm skipping class for no reason other than I am lazy. I did get some stuff done around here, but it needed to be done anyway. I should have had it done last week. I'm a lazy fat ass, ugh.

Puff. Puff.

I'm retaining water, like I always do, the week before my period. I know it's happening but I hate it! I just decided I'm going to pop a Midol to decrease the bloating. There, hopefully that eases my mind a little. Isn't that what this is all about? Getting our minds to shut the fuck up about our weight? Oh how I wish I had more control of myself.

I wonder what it's like NOT living in America. Does every other country have this societal pressure to be as thin as possible? Do other countries have the disgusting, fattening, junk food that we serve everywhere, making it a fucking struggle to maintain the ideal thinness? It's like being in between a rock and a hard place. I am not necessarily bashing my country. I've just been bombarded by thin since I was a little girl. Bombarded. By thin. Every. Day.

On the radio: commercials for diets and weight loss pills; advertising restaurants describing their specials using colorful, mouth-watering words.

On TV: beautiful thin actresses and actors of all ages; weight loss pill commercials with "before" and "after" pictures; diet commercials with images of all the great food you can eat if you just buy their plan!; restaurant and brand name food product commercials, always accompanied by images of their wonderful food.

I'm not sure that I've ever seen a fruit commercial, like "eat fruit" ... they're usually the opposite, showcasing junk food like pizza, macaroni and cheese, fried chicken (if you eat that, I don't), pies found in the frozen section, and of course, ice cream. TV sickens me.

Everywhere else: thin girls and boys in the grips of eating disorders, everywhere. It's sad but I can pick it out in my head. I see her and I know that she is hungrily staring at and considering the pastries in Starbucks but she'll just order her black coffee or tea and be on her way. I see him in class, sucking in his stomach; his arms are tooth picks, his tummy is not there. I see the group of girls in my work, the skinny ones get a diet soda, the fat one of the group grabs candy, soda, and maybe an impulsive cookie (they sit and tempt by the register), the rest will always get candy and maybe iced tea but they're just average-sized so who cares about them.

Everywhere else is what I see everyday. I am one of these disordered individuals and I wonder if anyone wonders about me. I feel like people love mentioning food in front of me, but maybe I just notice that more than most because I'm obsessed.

I hate food. I hate having to eat. I hate that I lose control in the presence of food. I hate that I have to be hungry. I hate that I can't eat in front of people. I hate that I obsess. I hate that I don't care. I hate that I do care.

I'm sick of it but not done. I need to lose weight. It's not about happiness or control or something stupid and textbook; I just need to do it and that's a fact.

So, brain, leave me the fuck alone. You don't know shit about what I need.

I need nothing.