Input needed

Is it ever ok to quit your job without another lined up?

I've been feeling so huge, so I pulled out the tape measure. I've actually lost inches. Around my hips and waist. WTF? I guess I'm not complaining - I'm just confused. How is it possible to feel like you've gained, to have the scale reflect these changes, only to see that inches are melting away?

I have no idea if I'm fat or not, and it's stressing me out. After my shower I'm going to measure again, everything, just to be sure.

***

I'm leaving on a jet plane tomorrow, I can't wait to get away for a bit.

Days of late

Sunday evening. It rained on and off today, I've shifted from one spot in the house to the other, usually sitting. My bed covers are half done in the wash. I am showered and fed. I am stoned. I am probably going to blow some bucks at Target shortly. I'd like some more clothes, new pillows, and I'll take a look at the totes.

Last night was fun and very relaxing. I just chilled with my bestie. We were planning to attend an outdoor concert but it got rained out. So we went to the casino for a few drinks and to try our luck with the slots. I lost $10 and promptly cut myself off. We ended up at the grocery store and drunkenly walked the aisles looking for munchies. We were talking to a cop. We went back to her house and smoked some pot, played Wii, sat out in the gazebo and talked and drank for hours...it was splendid.

Except for the sheer amount of calories I consumed. I feel fat and disgusting today. It didn't help at all that we ate so late. I did not properly digest before hitting the couch to pass out.

I love that her and I were able to catch up. We I needed it.
I guess I'm not feeling very expressive. I am talked out.

Here's to a successful restriction from here on out.

***

XO
Sar

My bones aren't lying, I'm not fat, I just feel fat. Feeling fat fucking sucks. But it could definitely be worse.

Ohhh my G, I need to stop binging. Please please please stop eating so much.

I'm thinking of those in the Denver, Colorado area. My prayers to all involved with the movie theater massacre. Life is fucking short and I'm just so sorry.

Time bomb

I'M AN IDIOT!!!!!!

J. blew me off last night. Just called him and he didn't even answer. I fucking hate men almost as much as I hate myself. My stupid fucking self.

My head feels like it's going to explode. I don't know what to do with myself. The anger is stiffening my muscles, preparing me to fight. I'm pissed.

SO MUCH FOR BEING FRIENDS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yet I was stupid enough to hook up with him last weekend. So. Stupid.

Never. Again.


TO GOD/VENUS/UNIVERSE:
CAN I PLEASE JUST LEARN THIS LESSON PLEASE????
-SAR




****************
Edit:
He just called me back, I did not answer.

My heart beats rapidly the second I open my eyes from sleep

I'm in a mood. I'm hungry. I hate love this feeling. Will I eat? Probably, a little something. Only because I just worked 8 hours, I'm getting over being sick, and my body needs some fuel. Just a bit.

I'm definitely losing weight again, my ribs are pretty defined. I enjoy looking at them. My skin is unfortunately freaking out. At first I thought it was heat rash, but now I'm thinking it's anxiety. My racing heart and inability to breathe normally and paranoid thoughts speeding through my brain are driving me crazy. It's enough to make me nauseous. I've swallowed down puke several times. I don't deserve that easy release. Plus it fucks with my teeth. And we all know how vain I am.

I don't know how long it's been since I posted, but I can assure you that much has happened. For starters, I went camping for that music festival last weekend. It was fun! And I hooked up with J. (my most recent ex-boyfriend). Lovely, right? No sex, thank the Lord, but pretty damn close. And then the next day we held hands and acted all cuddly for the fireworks.

So yeah, I'm confused. I was just FINALLY getting over him, and all the breakup drama, and now we are meeting Friday night for a drink and a talk about what happened?!

It's not that I want to get back together, as of right now I am pretty certain that I'm not ready for a relationship. I just would like to know how he feels about what happened. I would like to discuss why that shit went down, and try to make it clear that we can't just "hook up" whenevs. It does play with my heart and that sucks. We will hopefully set some boundaries and hey, I'm open to what the future brings should he desire to rekindle. Not that my hopes are up or I have any sort of expectations..

Somewhere in my mind or soul or heart or wherever subconscious thoughts lay, I feel like I love him. But that's ridiculous, right? It can't be love. I always think it's love. We're not even DATING for crying out loud. We are nothing, barely friends. And yet, last weekend there was still something there.

*Sighs*

I'm going to pack a bowl and call it a night. Thanks for listening.
Think thin =)

XO
~Sar

Too hot to eat

I'm sitting here melting in this heat. At least being super hot doesn't trigger my appetite. All I've had so far is some cut up watermelon and drinking some coffee now. I bought "Wasted" and started rereading it, for inspiration. I'm about a quarter through. It's like bumping into an old friend, good ol' Marya and her fucked up tale of thin.

I went on a date last weekend and got too drunk. He has been texting me though, so maybe not all is lost. Or maybe he just wants to "fix" me. Or maybe he's just as bored as I am.

I'm holding steady at 136, just in time for period bloat and bitchiness. I wake up every day and my hands make their way to my bones....my hip bones and ribs. I need to stay disciplined, I've been doing ok. Going to bed sort of hungry, waking up and making smart choices, saying no when my brain asks for a binge. It takes work but it's worth it and I know it.

My ex bf J. (the most recent, we broke up a few months ago) is having this huge summer party and invited all of my friends but me. It sucks to be excluded. It's not that I want or expect an invite, it's just reality sinking in that we fucked up our group of friends and caused an internal division that may stick.

I'm annoyed today. It's probably the heat. And my fat thighs - those really annoy me.

Peace, kids.

I don't want to be in love

I'm doing better. I woke up today 2 pounds down from Monday and that is a (slight) relief. I can't let myself get that bad, I need to stay in control. I am currently drinking coffee and doing laundry. Work soon. I am angry though, about some shit that went down at work yesterday. Hopefully nothing carries over to today. I honestly am just so done caring what anybody thinks. You don't like me? Fine, stay away/don't talk to me. Don't care. I'm there for the paychecks and health benefits..

Of course the drama I'm describing revolves around D., this guy I've been crushing on for months. He's a flirt. I could get into it, but I don't really want to/care enough. I tried showing him the light...I even sexted him. He is not doing anything about it, getting shyer and shyer around me it's sickening. But he can flirt for hours with this fat annoying bitch. OK D. Whatever.

Two days until the weekend and I really can't wait. I just need to NOT BINGE this weekend, lol. I can be strong, especially if I put on my bikini and go the beach or something.. Oh and it's Father's day on Sunday of course. So I need to buy him something.

God I'm in a shitty mood like always lately. I need to get laid I think. Or I could count my blessings. Or not.

The proof is in the pudding

Just binged for the 5th straight day. I am disgusting and feeling very fat. There's always a reason, right?

But nothing huge has even happened! I've just been stressed, anxious, and lovesick. NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON!...LIKE THERE EVER REALLY IS.

I am struggling struggling struggling .

I am trying like heck to not hate myself.

I need to STOP THIS and GET OVER IT and STOP FUCKING EATING!

(warning! food ahead)

~

Tuesday, June 12:
chunks of watermelon, strawberries, bowl of 2 kinds of cereal with almond milk.
salad with small amount of mozzarella and italian dressing. banana. cereal bar.
macaroni and cheese with broccoli "stouffers" tv dinner. entire can of fat free refried beans mixed with shredded lettuce and spinach, mozzarella and cheddar cheese, salsa, hot sauce. served with tortilla chips.

~

Isn't that a TON and WAY TOO MUCH for today? Thank God the day is done and I am so full my stomach hurts. I WILL NOT puke, not going there.

I need discipline and will power and strength to overcome these past few days.
I will do anything to lose this stomach fat.
I've probably put on 5 pounds since Friday and I WILL lose it! And then some!

Being thin is everything in this superficial world

On second thought, I need to get the fuck out. Living here is making me crazy. My brother's girlfriend is over all the time, sleeping over, etc. They cook together. She's nice, but it's all too "in my face", reminding me that I'm so pathetically, desperately, single.

Also, my Dad is an asshole depending on his mood. Today, he talked down to me and laughed with contempt in front of the lovebirds. I had just woken up, didn't even have a sip of coffee at that point. Which was probably good, because had I been more awake, I would have snapped back - leading to an altercation. Glad you're feeling better Dad, but don't be a dick.

And my Mom? Well...she's a lunatic. She has her moments when she's nice. Mostly she's impossible to talk to and it's nauseating to watch her "baby" and enable my brother.

I need to get out. Fuck the music festival. Fuck going to see my sis. I need to move the fuck out as soon as possible. It's what I really want. I don't need to be totally selfish this summer, I just need to practice preservation of the self. That involves me doing what's best for everyone. Once I move out my family will maybe find some peace. I'm 25. It's time to get on with life. This has been an...interesting year and a half at home since graduating college. It's time to spread my wings.

If only I could FIND a damn apartment! You wouldn't think it'd be so hard, but it is, considering I have a pet. Also, it's just me, and 1 bedrooms seem to be the exception and not the rule. I won't give up though!

I'll never give up.

I'm feeling thinner today. I've been restricting hardcore. My period bloat always freaks me out and throws me off. I must remember that it's water weight on the scale but that doesn't seem to assuage my panic. Being thin is everything in this superficial world. That'd be a decent title for this post. Done!

Peace, people.
Think thin thoughts.
Don't eat dessert...ever.

XO
~Sar

One always has options

There are three things on the horizon that I want to do, but I really don't see them all happening due to money, time, and my lack of vacation hours. There are advantages and cons to all.

1. Move out. I've started looking at apartments. If I do this soon, I will not have the money for...

2. Music festival next month that all my friends are going to. I went last year and had a blast! My ex will be there though.

3. Visit my sister and nephew down South. It's always fun to travel, and I miss them like crazy.

Choices, choices. #FirstWorldProblems, I know. I just want to be smart about spending. My gut tells me to stay living at home for the summer, so I can more freely buy a concert/weekend camping ticket and a plane ticket.

And then what though? Make the big move out this Fall...would that be my best option? Can I really last living at the place where even my shrink thinks is "psychologically damaging"? I'm repressed and inhibited, but I'm able to live comfortably, spending on what I may, not paying utilities, etc. Maybe I'll just sit back and relax/vacation the next few months...

Sounds like a plan.

____

Current weight: 135. Disgusting. I'm so fat. Trying like hell to starve myself back to 130, my ideal weight.

Think thin, think smart...

~Sar

I had a dream I got shot

The other day I woke with a start, I had a painful leg cramp aka a "charlie horse". Holy fuck, it hurt so bad that I started crying. I randomly remembered this last night, as I was eating a banana before bed. I had heard that potassium helps such things. Well Murphy's law strikes again. Early this morning I woke up to excruciating pain in my calf...I could feel it pulsing. It was crazy and it hurt like fuck. I rubbed it until the intensity subsided and then drifted back to sleep, only to be woken up by my dad using the bathroom.

Yes he's back home, did I tell you that? But he still has 2 tubes..."bathroom" tubes that he has to empty. It's fucking disgusting. Why am I focusing on my disgust when I should reveling in the gratitude I feel that he's home and not in the horrible hospital? Probably because I am easily grossed out. I just would prefer not to know. But his little tube filled with something yellow (pee?) dangles from his waist and it's all I can do not to stare.

Lose your appetite yet? I did. But I just ate 2 slices of wheat toast. 1 with peanut butter, 1 with almond butter. Not a bad breakfast, but I slept late again (every day this week) and now I'm going to have to scramble to be ready for work. Also I need to stop at the gas station.

Since I woke up in such a rotten, emotional mood, I decided to get high to alleviate my drama. I definitely do not usually do this before work but it'll be fine. My cat scratched the shit out of my hand so I've got some more battle wounds. Seems like I'm always hurting myself. I've had cuts and bruises on my hands consistently for the past month or so. Guess I'm just not paying attention to what I'm doing. I've never been one to just live in the moment, my head is often out in space...dwelling and planning.

I'm glad it's Friday. I really need to get a "move on". Literally and figuratively. I need to move out! I'm ready to be out of here! If only for some fucking privacy, peace, and quiet. 

Time to get ready for work. At least D. will be there, sparking some lustful thoughts and a becoming blush.

XO

Sar

May flowers?

Sometimes I forget how to breathe.
Sometimes I forget how to walk.
Sometimes I forget who I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've neglected blogging because I stopped caring about sharing myself with others. I stopped wanting to express my innermost self through the written word.
It used to be treat. Or maybe just a ruse. I feel like fraud, coming back to Blogger, hoping that maybe you're still out there. I suppose I could pretend that you are.

An update of sorts:

I'm enjoying the single life. I'm talking to C. again, and still crushing on D. from work. Ah, to be young and boy-crazy.

I've been smoking pot every single day sometimes all day. It's too much, and I reassure my therapist I will try to quit, but can I?

My dad is still in the hospital. He had major open surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It took the surgeons 12 hours to remove the tumor. He will be ok. Our relationship is improving. I feel that we dodged a bullet.

I'm slipping. I'm eating. I hate myself every other day. This year has gotten off to such a rough start. First the breakup with J. and then my dad getting seriously sick so suddenly. I'm trying to stay positive despite the stress but it's fucking impossible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Currently listening to Regina Spektor. Smoking a bowl. Drinking water. My neck aches from headbanging to some rock music the other night. My body is supremely exhausted and begging for sleep. My car's gas tank is thirsty for gas, all the driving to visit my dad in the hospital is taking a toll on my wallet.

Complaining, is that what this is? Who the fuck am I? Some jaded working class citizen with a need to be thinner and the willingness to starve. I am sofucked up.

Whatever. I'll change when I want to.

Peace.

-s