"Progress"

***

Hey there. I took a blogger break when I hopped on a big silver bird and flew down south. 

But I'm back. I promised you pics and I shall deliver! The sooner, the better! 

I won't make you wait  ~ here's me: 

Pretty gross.

My love handles and belly and thighs are out of control.

But I'm not. I'm in control of my weight. So are you.

Those shots were taken last week. Hope the panties don't offend.

I'm 5 foot 8.

My weight fluctuates therefore I don't get on the scale so any guesses about my "number" would be cherished and read with amusement. 

*

I carefully indulged this weekend but am proud to say I never overdid it. Being thin matters more than eating food for fun, which is a family tradition. 

Hope all is well.

Think thin :)(:

-S

***

Oh hi

I'M ALIVE!

And I'm flying down south this week! I'm going by myself to see my sister and baby nephew and I can't wait to get away from this bitter, bone-chilling cold.

I took some pics of me today, I plan to write a longer post later with them included so you can see my "progress".

I've been counting calories obsessively. I list everything I eat and then add up each day's totals and keep those separate so I have two lists. It feels good to see it in front of me.

Hope everyone is doing well and keeping warm! Can spring be here soon??

Stay Strong!

<3 Sar

Muse

Disadvantages of not eating: weak knees, painful joints, light-headedness, numb finger tips, fatigue, back aches, weird periods, self-consciousness (due to thinking the world revolves around me & my weight loss), isolation, lies, mood swings, "hunger"...

Advantages of not eating: no fat looking jiggly, no turkey arms, no thunder thighs, no double chin, no tummy pooch, no fat ass, thinness...

It's 1:30 on Monday morning. I'm extremely proud to say that I fasted all of Sunday. It makes me feel strong and yet weak. I know I've said this before but it makes me sad to know that I can't be happy without being thin. Being the thinnest girl in the room does wonders for my self esteem.

I need to STAY STRONG!  I can eat tomorrow, but ONLY HEALTHY FOOD. If that. Maybe I'll just continue this fast for as long as possible. I'll let you know.

Think thin! Because nothing out there, nothing you could possibly make, will taste better than THIN feels. When you feel thin you feel heaven.

Much love and peace to you all.

~Sar~

Big black pupils

My eyes can barely see this screen, my pupils are obviously dilated, I'm hyper and it's 9:30 pm. I long to leave this house, so I'm hoping my bff texts me to go grab her mom a birthday present from walmart (the only 24-hour store in this town). Just so I can leave. Just so I can smoke some cigarettes. Why am I freaking out, you ask? Well. I popped an adderall this afternoon, just for the hell of it, just because I was feeling tired and unmotivated. I have had a somewhat busy day but I wish I had this stuff prescribed to me. It's SUCH a good feeling. It feels like ecstasy.

So! Intake today: zero. No food, hardly anything to drink. And damn, yes, it's late. I did good. That's why I love being on this pill. I only took one and it killed my appetite something fierce!

Yesterday I ate, which is probably why I'm fasting. It wasn't a conscious fast though, those are the best. When hours fly by and you're feeling good and then it's evening and you're thinking back and there's nothing, absolutely no food in you. It's a great place to be.

I'm finally all unpacked and have been sending my resume out. I'm hoping to get a job as a legal secretary. I have no law experience but I think it would be fascinating.

The only sucky thing about any kind of upper is that every once in awhile towards the end of it you start to get flashes of normalcy: a feeling of complete sobriety pops up and it's like, "no!". Deep breath. Then the good vibes come back. Come and go, go and come. Damn that sounds dirty.

I had another sex dream last night, this one was me basically seducing/coming on to this scrubby guy. I was all over him and all about sucking his dick. I am guessing it means that I am pretty desperate at this point. I am, but I try not to show it. I play it cool.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am trying not to swallow my tongue here. I know I shouldn't be messing around with adderall but I just love love love the feeling! Maybe I really need it, who knows. Maybe I'll demand ask my primary physician for a script.

Muah! HA! Ha!

Lol ok, time for me to pace my room and listen to some music. I can't get enough of Rhianna and Drake, "What's my name?" -- damn good song! Youtube it!

Be like the skinny hottie in the green! Think thin, lovelies!!

Xo

~Sar

Chill out

Hey thanks for the encouraging, supportive comments on that last post. I thought I'd update because the binge was truly not commonplace, I mean, I've been being really strong and disciplined. Something happened that night though, it was like a flick of a switch.

The next day I woke feeling full, bloated, and fat. I didn't eat for a good 12-14 hours so then when I finally did, it was an apple. Then candy [350] and some chocolate almond milk [120]. This was yesterday. Doing good, doing great, and then my parents both went to bed (never at the same time though, I'm always waiting later for my dad to go upstairs). I busted out of this house and brushed so much snow off my car and left. I smoked while I drove, thinking I wanted food but then *panicking* hardcore about food, with the binge memory near and clear. I was shaking and couldn't drive right. The green could have something to do with this, but the thought of food was hatefully ripping my soul to pieces.

I compromised with myself, ended up at Wendy's, ordered a "value" fries and donated a dollar to Hunter's Hope so now I have these coupons for free fries and frosties from Wendy's. Wonderful.

So that little snack was 220 calories, but my gluttony does not stop there. I drove myself to that 24 hour coffee place and bought a donut at 250 calories. I was so hungry, I really was. I didn't eat anything else once I got home besides some gum [20]. Here's the thing, there is just not a lot of vegetarian food here. It's a good thing, for sure. It's just that my body starts craving sustenance. It sucks. I've lived here two weeks and a pattern might be forming. I don't eat much during the day because nothing here looks or sounds good, so I restrict. But later on, I start getting that feeling in my stomach of real emptiness. I should be embracing it but instead I'm panicking and thinking about food.

What the fuck.

So on a different note, I played wii for a bit today. Wii sports. Good workout! Especially the tennis and boxing :) I need to exercise more for sure, because just doing it gave me a little motivation. I threw a load of clothes in the washer. Some of them had been sitting in my hamper since before Christmas. I haven't done laundry or anything useful really. This has been a somewhat depressing start to the new year. My attitude is alright but my drive to succeed at life is slipping. My point is that exercise helped, even stubborn old me can admit that.

I can't stop listening to "Bridge over troubled water"...what a beautiful, uplifting song.

I keep having dreams about moving. I'm DONE moving...for awhile. I need a job then an apartment. That's the plan. Ok I have a freaking plan and my back hurts from 10 minutes of exercise and I'm sitting here smoking weed and blowing it out a crack in my childhood bedroom window. LOL. Life shouldn't be taken so damn seriously! I have been taking EVERYTHING so seriously lately and I want/need to chill.

It's snowing again. I need to hit up a store for some things for my cat. Take care everyone.

<33

Sar

Ps Think thin duhhh!!!!

(:

Screwed up

If you want the truth, if you can handle it, then here it is: today I binged. Horribly. It was a  bad, big, binge.

I counted my calories, obviously. It is midnight and this day from hell (tuesday) is over. I'm wasting space so you can't see this on the reader page. OK. Deep breath. I just figured it out using a calculator, and today, from midnight last night to midnight tonight, I ate 4,025 calories.

An even number. An ungodly amount for sure. I am a fat ass failure. I refuse to purge it up. Puking hurts and I don't deserve to let any of those calories I stuffed in come out. I am going to sit here and think about what I did and why I ate so much today and what the fuck happened here.

I feel physically sick. My stomach is pressing out and my head hurts and I'm thirsty so I'm sipping water and everything is wrong wrong wrong today.

I hate myself right now. HATRED. I can't believe I screwed up so badly today. Never again...

I swear that tomorrow will be better. I swear that I will not mess this all up.

I'm going to listen to some music and smoke a little in my bedroom because I just don't give a fuck. Maybe I'll fast tomorrow, either way, I need a job first and foremost. What if I promised myself not to eat until I've gained employment? That'd really be something. Too bad I'm such a little pussy.

I hate myself right now and there's nothing or no one that will adjust that. I haven't talked to either of my parents. I need the weekend to be here so I can go do something like hook up with a random in hopes of increasing my worth.

Ostracize me. Hate on me. Give me all you've got. I deserve your hell hand-in-hand with my self-inflicted wounds.

Be better than stupid ass me. Be thin. Think thin.

--Sar--

Rage is relative, so is thinness

It's one in the morning and I'm high after a long day. As expected, things at home are...tense. My dad and I got in a fight today. He was off because of a dentist appointment and was not around when I woke, freezing, to a 60 F house. It was probably 20 F outside. So, like I've done many times, I turned the heat up to 66 or 67.

He came home, I went to the kitchen (a mistake in more ways than one) and he turned to me, angrily; he said, "did you turn the heat up?". His eyes conveyed such rage; my defenses rose instantly and I responded, "I did, I woke up and it was 60 in here." (A lie, it was maybe 62). Long story short, we started yelling at each other, he turned his back on me, putting a barrier and physical distance between us, and walked away. It was the first time I saw him this day and he didn't say hey or hello or good afternoon; he found a reason to pick a fight and victimize me, leaving me empty and longing for a different upbringing.

I started crying softly, and walked to my room and shut the door. I'd come out only twice while my parents were up. I read for awhile and then went to sleep around 8 pm and woke back up to seven texts from this one dude E. I've been talking to. That was around 11 pm.

I then left the house with the intention of getting food. All I ate today was a amy's light in sodium vegetable lasagna tv dinner [290 calories], homemade vegetable soup [150 cal] and 1 slice of bread [70]. I was craving something, but it wasn't food. I got in my car with a bowl and drove. I (luckily) got high and started thinking clearly about what I was doing. I didn't get food. At the last minute I turned into a 24 hour coffee place and got a small french vanilla cappucino [240] and came home. It's obviously after midnight and into tuesday so I'd say monday food-wise, was decent.

I am hurt by my dad and researching "daddy issues" and feeling a sense of deja vu when I read the descriptions. I am sick of this. I've been home almost 2 weeks and it's just so awkward and lifeless and straining and I'm just ready to leave all over again. I need a job though. I don't have one yet and I can't move until I have a source of income. I can tell my dad resents me for this. He just worked 7 days in a row so I can understand being tired, but is it really necessary to talk to me so roughly and condescendingly and with eyes of contempt? It's not. He doesn't really do it to my brother or my mom; he despises my presence here and it's sucking the life out of me.

And because of all that I am vowing to continue this restriction. I am vowing to keep shedding pounds because I am not thin enough.

I'm doing it again, I'm anxiously chewing on the insides of my lips as I write this.

I've got some stuff to take care of and I need to stay positive. I've been having some good times with my friends here. There are a few male prospects. I am not as fat as I was last month. Or the month before. I am losing weight slowly but surely. I will not binge. I will not wreck this.

I'm listening to the grateful dead and I'm high and I made a good choice tonight. I can get a job. I am flying south to see my sister and baby nephew at the end of the month! I have something to look forward to and that's that.

No offense on the fb delete, *Flushed* - I got paranoid.

Think thin, all. Stay strong every minute. Let the decision to over-indulge weigh heavily on your minds. It's not worth it.

Thinspiration -~-~-~~->

Xo Sar

Squirm

Every single day that I've been home -
Mom: What did you eat today? 
Me (making something up): Blah!

My Dad has been on this diet and lost ten pounds. He is still very much overweight. He won't eat vegetables or fruit or whole grains. He drinks diet soda and scarfs down chips like he'll never eat one again. So they've been experimenting with "healthy meals", while I stand back and watch from afar, trying like hell not to showcase my knowledge of food, calories, and dieting too much. I think my Mom suspects something. I've taken to covering my collar bones with high-cut shirts. Whatever, I've been way thinner (when I was a teen) so bug off.

There are food issues aplenty in my family and today I started to hate each and every one of them for influencing me into this disordered piece of shit.

In other news, I'm thin today. Again. I have been restricting very successfully and I am about to get my period and there is minimal bloat due to me being smart around carbs. I will get thinner. I will NOT have a tummy roll when I sit down.

Today I wore tight-fitting dark blue jeans and a fitted red cardigan, buttoned all the way up. Earrings. Boots. White coat. I went to this guy's (who happens to be a long-ago ex) apartment because he was helping me find buds. We have a somewhat close relationship and occasionally get a little touchy-feely. His name starts with J. too, of course. I don't want to get confused with all the J.'s I talk about so we'll just refer to him as long-ago ex. He's hott. With a kid though. (Not the other, crazier one with a kid).

Long story short; I was sitting on the couch and he was sitting by my legs and goes, "do you still have your belly button pierced?" and started to lift my freakin shirt. While sitting! You know??


I squirmed but didn't push his hand away and either nodded yes or murmured hmm or something sexy, I don't remember. All I remember is looking down...and seeing...the roll that sank a million ships.


Oh yes.

I want to be thinner. I want no stomach roll. NONE. NO FAT on me!!!!!!!

Calories today totaled maybe 900. If I keep this up the pounds will continue coming off. I'd guess that I lost at least two pounds since being home.

Think thin, lovelies.

Xo

The other

So much to say, no time to write. That's a lie, I have all the time in the world tonight. I'm just...antsy. A LOT has been happening. I really want to smoke but I am officially moved into my parent's house and it's just not possible. They'd freak.

I wonder where I left off with my last post... I've been so busy. I moved home last thursday, went out that night for a much-needed drink after unpacking a shit ton of stuff, and bumped into this guy J. who I hooked up with over Thanksgiving. He's the one with the girlfriend. (NOT the J. I usually talk about - he's out of sight, out of mind). Well it wasn't long before we were flirting and then cuddling on my friend's couch and then we moved upstairs to a spare bedroom and passed out in each other's arms. No sex. No kissing. Just...touch.

:Sigh:

The next day I drove him home; it wasn't awkward. We were extremely hungover but Friday was new years so of course we ended up meeting back up later on. I was excited/terrified to see him again. My friends and I stopped at this party briefly and he was there. He ignored me for a bit but then we started talking. Him and his girl were "text-fighting" for awhile and he was bummed but eventually snapped out of it. We all hopped in my friend's truck and headed downtown for the ball drop. No kiss at midnight for me. We went to the bars around one or two in the morning and drank some more. Then we went back to my friend's house (it was that kind of wild, endless night). We started drinking more and playing music and then J. and I passed out in a bed (actually it was an air mattress, lol).

We woke to screaming. My best friend was getting beat up and yelled at by her asshole ex-boyfriend, who we mistakenly thought could handle hanging out in a group situation with us for new years. This was about 9 or 10 in the morning. J. and I had been sleeping for approximately an hour.

I started freaking out on him (my girl's ex) and kicked him out. We were all shaking and tense. My girl ended up screwing some other guy and J. and I went back in the bedroom and started messing around. It was really nothing serious, just some nudity and touching. No kissing, still. This went on for a couple hours until I told him I needed a nap around 12:30 PM. We basically stayed up allllll night. He left me and went to pass out on the couch. I slept for 3 hours and then woke up and joined him on the couch. We talked a little and then I woke my girl up and I drove them all home.

It was fun.

Just...long-winded. And I haven't heard from J. since. 2 nights together and that's that. I sent him a little, quick email. No response. We don't have each other's phone numbers and we're not friends on facebook. I understand he has a girlfriend. I cannot get attached. I just felt a connection once again with him. We've only  met 3 times, and every.single.time. we've been all over each other. It's like there's magnets in our hearts.

As for eating and thinness...well, I've been trying like hell! I had some binge days early last week before my big move but since I've been home I've been doing really well. I mean, J. saw me (almost) naked and I wasn't really self-conscious. I felt thin. Every day when I wake up I feel for my bones.

I bought Portia De Rossi's memoir and it's really good and thinspiring. I'm about half way through. I feel bad I haven't updated this blog or read any of yours but I've just been busy and nursing hangovers. I need to find a job so that's the next thing for me to do.

I am dying to see/talk to J. It's driving me a little mad, actually. He's gorgeous and strong and funny but he definitely drinks too much and (to state the obvious) he's a cheater. Now, we didn't kiss or have sex or even oral sex, but his girl would not be pleased if she knew that we spent 2 nights together, including new years. Any of you ever been in this situation?? Any advice??

I'm thinking of you all and going to catch up on some blogs right now. I need to kill time before my parents go to bed so I can finally smoke and relax. I'm so addicted..


Think thin!!!!!!!!!

Xo
Sar

Moving

Howdy. I've been holing up in my apartment in College town for the past two days, alternately binging and starving, smoking mucho verde, and just being lazy. Tomorrow is moving day. Today I started packing. Packing sucks, but like Mom says, "it's a good way to get organized." Organized, my ass. I'm perfectly organized. Losing all my possessions ensured that I'd never be weighed down by thousands of meaningless material items. I have what I need and what I want and I like it that way.

My tongue tastes gross and metallic-like. My stomach is in knots combined with super strong urges to go. Ahem. I'll admit I like that, I always feel thinner after a few minutes in the bathroom.

I know that I'm stressed about moving but something else is going on. J. has been completely ignoring me for a week now. Absolutely and completely. I've sent him a few messages over the days and gotten no response, whatsoever. Fuck him.

Good riddance, J. We're leaving this town but not together. I hope the memory of my face or a funny thing I said gives you hell.

I just stood up and smoked a cigarette. It did not help my stress at all. I stood there, smoking, panicking. It just took me so many tries to type that, my fingers are shaking like mad. Maybe I should eat something. LOL. Nah.

Oh you guys, can you just come pack my shit and move for me tomorrow? 

In other news, I've got 100 followers. Thanks. That's a nice even number for me to contemplate. You all are so sexy.

I'll get back to my shaking and packing and downloading music and smoking and pacing. Wish someone was here to give me a hug or a slap across the face.

Think thin.

Xo 

Sar

She's got chubby thighs and arms. Don't be like her. Be like her:

Skinny arms and legs win. Always.

At least moving burns calories.

Peace.

The Fear

I did not binge on Christmas eve or day. Last night before I went to sleep I lifted my shirt and saw my ribs. I hate the way my mom says, "anorexia" ("anoREXia"). I saw "Black Swan", finally, but it triggered the most intense panic attack I've had in awhile. I flew home in a paranoid haze; I sat here, breathing hard and rocking back and forth, trying my hardest not to puke all over my parent's pristine bathroom for a good two hours last night. I finally calmed down a little, went to sleep, just woke up, and here I am.

See the movie if you like thinspo and having your mind fucked. I am seriously having a racing heart again so I can't really talk about it, but I went alone to the movies, and I think that contributed to my anxiety. There's a first time for everything right? I just wanted to see it, and didn't feel like having company.

Last night I chewed up my lip due to my tension and hunger, probably. I was so proud that I did not binge. There was tons of food and dessert here. It's just not worth it to me, I feel like a fat cow.

I dyed my hair :) It's dark now, which makes me look way better.

J. and I are not talking at all. I feel like my friends are not really my friends. I'm still at my parents house but heading home today to start packing, and THEN later this week I'll be moving away from College Town for the last time.

Going to be busy but Lord knows staying busy burns calories.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and stayed far, far away from the plethora of desserts at your disposal. They're just not good for you, ok?

Think thin...

Xo 

Sar

Unforgiving

I'm supposed to be packing, because it's a few days before Christmas and I am expected at home, but I'm not. I'm sitting here, smoking and listening to good music. I'm sipping some tea and making a list. No food yet, it's already after noon.

Looks like I won't be seeing J. until after Christmas. I'm not upset. OK, yes I am. Of course I am. This feels all too familiar though. I read some old posts from right around this time last year, and I was pining for T. like I am currently obsessing over J. However with J., it's like a detached attachment. Does that make sense? Maybe I am just using him as a distraction for my ever-changing thoughts. I am focusing on him instead of focusing on my future. It's like I'm willing to sit back, contentedly, while my (future) husband brings in the bacon mucho dinero.

Really Sar? A housewife? That's your ambitious plan? HA! What a joke I am.

To be perfectly honest I've been feeling pretty down on myself lately. You wouldn't think so, what with college coming to a close and whatnot, but I really just have experienced so much self-loathing as of late.

Today, my neck is killing me. I slept on it wrong, that's what happens. It's a reminder that my body is in fact aging. Sick.

ENOUGH NEGATIVITY, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

This post sucks. I don't suck. Nope! Haven't sucked anything in almost a freakin' year. What is WRONG with me? The only action I get is in my dreams. I guess I just push every possibility away.

The farthest J. and I have gone is kiss. A little tiny bit of dirty texting, but nothing more. It just PROVES that he is not as attracted to me as I am to him. Disappointing! I must remember that I can't change people. I must also get thinner! Because who doesn't like a skinny girl?

I must say I was looking great over the weekend, nice and thin. Bony even. However I've been eating a little more the past day (yesterday only) because I am about to leave this place for almost a week & I didn't want the produce to go to waste. I can see where it shows is my point.

The only way to be as skinny as I want to be is to not eat. It's so fucked up but eating anything causes me bloat! Even veggies! It's soo weird.

I'll leave you on that note. Think thin. I'll probably be updating regularly once I'm home because there will be constant food temptation there. I just need to be smart.

Peace

&thinness

are my

ReligiOn.

Xo ~ Sar

Amazing

To the anonymous commenter: Welcome! Thanks for commenting! Yes, I am perfectly aware that I'm crazy, no need to point it out :p

Well bloggers...I'm done.

DONE!!!!!!!!

No more college. Ever. I'm fucking finished and I feel sick! I can't believe it, actually I can. This has been six years in the making. Yes, I took my time attending community college (for my a.s.) and then university (for my b.a.). There's no set time to complete two degrees.

So here's what happened. You remember my last post, about "lessons learned"...I was devastated but secretly excited that I was "off the hook" for that project. Well the very next day (yesterday) my professor emailed me saying that she would "give me a break" and gave me until Friday (today) to turn something in. I, of course, responded professing my thanks and gratefulness. I didn't do shit yesterday though, haha. This morning I had my last exam in a philosophy class, and then I went to the library, popped an adderall, and banged out a power point presentation and a paper.

I barely got it turned in on time (she gave me until 3:30) but it's turned in. The terrible part? I didn't even read it over or revise it or anything. I just wrote. Bam. Done.

So that's good news regardless...turning in a shitty project and paper is better than nothing at all. So that'll help my grade and GPA.

And now I sit here, done with all school work forever, and I'm shaking and my stomach is in knots and I have "cried" a few times, more like emotionally up-heaved, and I've talked to my mom, dad, and sister. I've texted a bunch of people. But the only one I can be this honest with is you. I looked forward to telling you this.

I have acquaintances. Hardly any friends. You people are all out there somewhere and can't exactly give me a hug, but the weird thing is, that's what I need right now.

I need a freakin' hug. It's almost hilarious.

If it wasn't so sad.

My shoulders ache for touch, my brain yearns for the rush, my skin craves contact.

I feel...[insert random emotion]. I also can't eat. I don't want to eat. Today's calories: 120. It's 5 at night.

Now I'm chillen at this table smokin' a bowl. I keep leaving this post and going to pet my cat. I am showing him as much love as possible, for putting up with my coldness lately. It's not that I've been ignoring my kitty, just not as playful and happy around him. I yell at him, well I am training him still. He's only one and a half. Anyone else out there with a cat?
Anyway, from now on I will make it a point to play with him more. He's mine, after all. It's the least I can do.

What to do tonight? It's friday, go figure. My night of "wanting" to hang out but I'm just so far away from it all, I don't always want to drive out to the bar. I think I need to do some deep reflection.

J. just texted me. Ugh, damn him!

Him and his hott asssssss...j/k

Not really.

I'm baked & need to end this. I've wrote a lot today. I love you all and just always remember to follow your dreams :) Stay strong!

Xo Sar

Lessons learned

I made a huge mistake today. It pains my heart to type this, but I just discovered it, and I need to get these feelings out because they're toxic to my insides right now.

That last project I talked about in my last post, earlier this afternoon? I didn't do it. I also did not go to the exam period where we were supposed to turn them in. I emailed my teacher at 4:00, when I was supposed to be there, and asked if I could turn it in tonight. She just replied, saying no, it's too late. She'll pass me but "it won't be a grade I'll like".

Of course now, after getting it out and waiting a minute or two for this to process I feel this small golden sigh of relief. Now one exam stands in my way of graduating, and that is on Friday...so I have some time to chill and study. The pressure feels off but this is seriously quite the burden to bear.

I don't know what came over me. Actually I do, I was upset about J.
How could I let a boy affect me so much?
How could I let down this teacher, who I've looked up to for two years?
How could I blow off the exam?

The answer is I've done it before. I skipped final papers and just said to hell with it. I have no problem giving up. In fact, it's too easy to convince myself that it's a good idea,

I was just so tired, it would have been shit anyway.

So there's my big mistake, you heard from me before and after. What went wrong? I just went to sleep in between posts, so that's that. I chose to rest.

My soul needs rest. I must check off these stresses sitting on my mind. I must do something to pull out of this depression. The thing about depression is that sometimes you get comfortable with it, you tell yourself that skipping out on the world and living is fine. You sleep the problems away and have terrible, sexual, vivid dreams and wake up sweating, heart racing. You avoid conflict by shutting down and it's ok with you because, hey you're not dealing with anything.

Living shouldn't be a waste but I waste it.

Living should be enjoyable most of the time but I rarely smile.

I laugh when pretty little boys crack me up, like J. Only he's not pretty, he's a fucking god.

Fuck it.

I managed to eat two burritos made with whole wheat fiber-filled wraps and organic refried beans with chilies and spices. I added a small amount of shredded cheese, lettuce, and salsa to each.
Total calories [540].
+
Then I had a "spinach souffle" [175], 3 "chik'n nuggets" (meatless) [150], and 4 peeps [110].
Total calories [435]
=
Total calories for the day [975]

And it's only seven at night

I feel like a heifer. J. still hasn't gotten back to me. My neck hurts in a weird way, it's like tingly or pinched or something. My back aches. I'm tired but this is a strange time to go to bed.

I guess I'll just do what I always do. Smoke & watch tv/surf the net.
It's all killing me.

Think thin

Empty eyes

I did it. I wrote 11 pages in about 6 hours yesterday morning, fueled by the 67 messages J and I had sent to each other throughout the night and also by the Adderall chugging through my system. I attempted to drive to campus so I could print it out and turn it in and got stuck in the snow leaving my driveway. Luckily, my neighbor's ex was dropping off their kids just at the moment and he pushed me out. So I get to campus and all the computer labs are closed. The minutes are ticking by and I'm panicking, but getting lots of exercise due to my fast walking from building to building. Finally I get the paper printed out and run to my classroom; I get there and it's empty and dark. I'm sweating and flushed at this point. So I ran to my teacher's office. She was there; she gave me attitude, but whatever...it's turned the fuck in.

I headed home after fueling my car and proceeded to get STUCK AGAIN in the snow, this time pulling into my driveway. Omg. So I kept trying to get out and kicking the snow under my tires but nothing was working. I called the snow plower guy who does our driveway and he was able to come in about 20 minutes. It was ridiculous. I went inside and kind of crashed, but didn't sleep.

J. ended up coming over. We smoked and had 3 glasses of wine (finishing my bottle). I didn't realize he had to partake in a conference call last night, and he left way too soon. We hugged, so briefly. I don't even remember it because it happened so fast. So I'm sitting here after he left; over-tired, drunk and high, and I started crying real tears. I rarely cry. I am crazy about him but he just wants to be friends.

So OF COURSE I was dumb and pulled out my phone and said "come back!" and he said "what why I can't." and I said "after your conference call." and he said "i can'tttttt and i have no gas in my car." and i said "so get some." (In his defense he lives 20 minutes away)

He never responded. I passed out for maybe 30 minutes and then picked up that devil, my phone, again. I sent him a semi-long message about feelings and shit and he never got back to me. It is now the next day (Wednesday) around noon. I just texted him AGAIN saying "hope you made it home safely last night." and that's going to be it. I realize that he needs to be in control, well I am more than willing to sit back and let him be. I seriously would do anything for him, and he might know that. I am starting to get to know him better though and I realize that I can't bug him with millions of messages. The ones I've sent since he left were sincere enough that I'm not worried about it.

Did I mention that I gave my two weeks notice at my job and he did it the same day? Him and I are going places, but not together :(

In other news I've been basically starving myself. I look pretty thin today. My appetite is not here. I think of food and then realize that NOTHING sounds good. Yesterday I ate about 500 calories, if that. Actually more than that because I had some wine last night, which hit me like a sack of bricks, dang.

Today so far has been nothing and the day is already half over. Food is not looking appealing at all and I'm grateful for that. I think it's just a combination of stress, exhaustion, adderall, and heartache. Yes my heart aches for J. I've never met anyone like him. I hope he is always in my life.

I am sooo tired. I got about 8 hours last night but wish I was still in bed. UNFORTUNATELY I have ANOTHER project due today, my God, let this week be over already, please. 2 things stand in my way of graduating: this project and my final exam on friday. I can do it, right??

Thanks for the nice comments. It really is encouraging that you have faith in me. I <3 you for that. And for reading all this madness. My fingers fucking hurt from all this typing lately (blogging and papers plus my usual internet searching). OK. Time to end this.

Think thin today. I just keep reaching down and feeling my hip bones. Those little guys motivate me to keep pushing hard on this journey to thin. I am thin but I want to be thinner. Stay strong, please. Don't be gross.

Xo Sar