Roller coaster ride

Well that was one long, drawn out, messy, painful, stupid breakup with J.

Over a month of fights, tears, texts, two random hook ups, awkward encounters around our friends (because YAY we have all the same friends!! note to self: never date another friend), more tears, misplaced hope that we would reconcile (we didn't but came close), and perhaps most importantly....weight lost.

Today I weighed in at 132. A couple months ago I was in the low 140's....success??

My relationship failed but I'm really thin. ALL of my clothes are baggy...it is interesting. I keep buying size 6 jeans like it's still my size...it's not, they are too big!! Guess I'm a 4 now. My shirt size is small. Even my fat thighs are shrinking a bit, which is wonderful. I'll take some pics one of these days, before and after style.

As for me? Well...I'll be alright. I cried this morning when I woke up, because it does hurt. It fucking HURTS. But J. does not like me anymore. I ruined it by fighting with him and acting crazy jealous insecure you name it. Also I think there could be someone else...

Learn from me. Don't make my mistakes. You all know how much I liked him, how happy I was for a "normal and healthy" relationship....that didn't last. Nothing lasts forever and I'm telling myself that this HAD to happen, in order for me to achieve a higher level of understanding about men, myself, life, etc.

Right?? Isn't that all you can really do? Hope it all happened for a reason? I'm grasping at strings, as per usual.

***

Sorry I haven't blogged more about it, faithful readers. I've been avoiding the clarity that comes with writing because I've had tunnel vision. I am now in serious need of perspective, so I'm back to bare it all.

Work is going well. My family is doing alright, my Dad is feeling a little better (all tests thus far have been inconclusive) so THANK YOU for your prayers and well wishes!!!! I actually bought a new (2010) car a few weeks ago! It's red :) That's what hard work gets me. A feeling of accomplishment.

A new car is something I've wanted (and needed) for awhile, but I had to wait for the right time to purchase. Since I'm still living at home and trying to save money, it seemed ideal for me to just jump the gun. So far so good.

I'm still smoking up every single day. I'm in therapy still. My therapist told me that I need to stop smoking and learn to "self soothe"...seems great but in reality I'm still pretty fucking addicted.

Like right now, I'm smoking and drinking coffee. Just had 2 pieces of buttered rye toast.

See, that's the weird thing! (Sorry, tangent time) I do eat! Fatty shit! But my taste for food is just....gone. It's hard to swallow. My stomach is constantly turning and tumbling. It could be the stress from this month and half long break up drama with J. But isn't that giving him too much credit?

I'm the one with the discipline here. When did this blog make the switch from normal to ana? 2009? This has absolutely been a work in progress!!! I've found success, despite the avenue that inspired me the most.

Maybe J. just doesn't like skinny girls. The other night he fucked me from behind, his hands holding my bony hips.

***

Much to think about, as always. How are YOU?

XO
Sar

Freaking out

I've lost about 8 pounds in the past couple weeks. I'm so fucking stressed. I got my first "mean" anonymous comment on my last post. J. and I got back together but on serious rocks. Just got home from work and I'm having a panic attack. My heart is racing, I'm shaking, I feel like I'm going to throw up. God help me.

eff you see kay

J. and I broke up.

Still waiting on my Dad's biopsy results.

No new car yet.

My heart aches, it's broke.

Today: 2 small slices of toasted bread. 1 apple. 1 banana.

Nothing more. My stomach is burning with sickness. My vision is blurred. I am so so sad, and so not hungry.

Like a prayer

I'm down a few more pounds. I didn't feel anything, happy or sad, when I saw the number. I just felt numb.

Today I will find out more about my Dad. Right now he is at the hospital with my Mom. I'm hoping for the best but so stressed. I am not hungry at all, my stomach feels sick. I'm coping by smoking, listening to music, and surfing the web for an hour before work, my go-to daily dose of distraction.

My brother and I just had an awkward encounter in the kitchen. We're both petrified. We can't even talk about it.

I'm a little annoyed J. hasn't called me yet today. Doesn't he know I need him? I mean, I'm not exactly calling or texting him, haven't since last night. But still. This is serious and I'd appreciate a nice phone call. From anyone. When was the last time one of my girl friends just called me to chat?

He's going to be ok he's going to be ok he's going to be ok he's going to be ok he's going to be ok.

I had a decent weekend considering the doom and gloom residing over my house. J. and I had dinner then met up with some friends for drinks. I'm such a light eater around him. I've figured out how to impress men (when it comes to dining styles): order whatever the hell you want (within reason-make sure you get some veggies) and then eat half of what's on the plate. It fills you up (briefly) and he thinks you don't diet, you just "get full fast".

And people who don't "clean their plate" don't get fat.

***

Stay strong for you, me, the world.

Think thin because thin people are sexier and easier on the eyes.

And it feels good to be thin...the envious stares, the roaming eyes, the concerned looks when you say "no thanks" to whatever food they offer. Actually I make it a point to eat in front of my friends.

***

J. just called me. I was freaking out for nothing, as per usual.

Gotta jet. I'll keep you updated if you keep my family in your prayers.

XO
-Sar-

The waiting game

My Dad is really sick. They don't know what's wrong. My thoughts are taking me places I don't want to go, imagining scenarios I am not ready to deal with. I'm scared. For him, and for our family.

I'm convinced my younger brother has an eating disorder (too). He is scary skinny. He is all bones.

My car has officially taken a shit. I need a new one. I'm willing to bite the bullet and get another, but the timing is awful. We are waiting for some test results concerning my Dad. The underlying message is that I just need to deal with this for now, get rides to and from work, etc.

I'm pissed, anxious, don't feel like waiting. I'm miserable. My skin is acting weird, very dry and blotchy on my face. My hair is greasy and the curls look like shit. I took scissors to my bangs the other day and that was a stupid ass mistake on my part.

I thought the weekend was supposed to be relaxing, I'm so high strung I'm not even hungry.

I don't know what to do. I am trying to take one thing at a time. I need my Dad to get diagnosed and better. Everything is so unstable right now.

J. and I got in a terrible, horrible fight last weekend. We broke up. Then talked and made up. We are ok but I am still walking on eggshells a bit. I can't lose him.

We had a nice Valentine's day. We made breakfast together and exchanged sappy cards. He got me a bouquet of wild flowers, I got him candy and "sex dice". The flowers had to be moved out of my room and on to the dining room table because the smell was really bothering me. He could have gotten me tulips, my favorite. But I was happy to get anything after such a ridiculous blow out.

Just needed to update. My life seems to be in shambles. I need to breathe. Any words of wisdom or positive comments are welcome. Please say a prayer or send good vibes for my Dad. Thanks, darlings.

XO
Sar


((Think Thin))

Falling in obsession

Hey there, sorry about the gaps in posting. I've been experiencing inner turmoil, as per usual. But I don't want to talk about any of that. I'm sitting here, before work, drinking coffee and smoking. Like I've done hundreds of times. I do the same thing, day after day, hardly any changes.

I'm seeing a new therapist. Went for the first time yesterday morning. I need to deal with the fire and my emotions surrounding the whole experience and after effects. The sadness and fear slip out of my tightly controlled guard in inappropriate places. Like work. Or when I'm talking to J.

I can't think straight lately. If you're a long time reader, you know that I tend to be obsessive with the men in my life. Things with J. are going good, we stayed overnight in a nearby ski town this past weekend (what a workout!!) with another couple. We have fun together and I feel that I can talk to him about most things.

I just think about him all.the.time. It can't be healthy. Like right now for instance. It's one in the afternoon. I haven't heard from him yet. The last time we texted was around one in the morning. I'm freaking out, worried, feeling rejected. My heart aches, I am vulnerable.

I won't text him, or call him, or email him. I'll get ready for work and go to work and push him out of my mind. Because I'm scared that I'm falling in love with him. I'm scared that I need him. This relationship terrifies me but thrills me.

Any advice?

****

Got to shower. Think thin, Stay strong. Every day I look at my self in the mirror, naked and with a critical eye. I notice my imperfections. The good thing about fat is that you can make it go away. It's as simple as eating less.

XO
~S


[EDIT]

He called about 15 minutes later. I was high so it wasn't a great conversation. Relationships are fucking complex.

Hate

I really wish I didn't hate myself.

WHY do I fuck everything up?

WHY do I push everyone away?

WHY do I cling to my haunted past?

WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING GODDAMN MESS?

Fidelity

I'm SO SICK of people and their judgmental comments about my weight!! Case in point: Last night, my 2 good friends came over to smoke a blunt. Then we they got the munchies and decided to drive to a local late night taco place. I knew that even if I ordered a bunch of stuff I would still most likely go home and have a snack, so I just ordered an apple empanada. They both spoke up, "You make me feel like a cow! Jeez I just ordered all this stuff and that's all you get? I'm so fat!" ... blah.blah.blah. STFU. If you're not happy with your fat body then do something about it. Practice some fucking self control. Count calories. It's actually easy.

I've lost about 5 pounds in the past few months and am seemingly keeping it off. Of course, I'm "hungry" all the time and bitchy...but my body looks good. And that's a little more important in this dog-eat-dog world.

Right? I figured you'd agree. After all, that's why you're here...for inspiration.

***

Me and J. are "facebook official"...oh Jesus. It's getting real in here. No sex yet, but I'll keep you updated. ;)

Gotta jet. Peace loves.

XO
~S

Do you ski?

I pulled out the measuring tape today after I showered. I've lost 2 inches around my waist and 1 inch around my hips since last summer. I'll call that progress. I'm doing something right.

Sorry I disappeared for awhile there, I've been so busy. J. and I are finally "official". We've seen each other consistently every weekend for a couple months now. It's weird, but feels right. I actually really like him! He wants to take me skiing in February (I've never been) and we would be staying in a hotel with our friends (another couple who recently married). He thinks he can teach me but I'm convinced I can teach myself. I read a lot, there's got to be a way.

Or, there's you sexy people. Any skiing tips/advice?? PLEASE share.

I bet skiing is a great workout..

***

So, it's Monday and I'm leaving for work in 20 minutes. Another week closer to Spring. I really can't wait for warmer temperatures. We've had (somewhat) mild weather here, for the area, but I don't like bundling up and being freezing all the time. But, I can keep working on my body and by the time it's bikini season, I'll be looking stunning.

Will you?

Think thin!

XO
-S

Settle down

I'm in a funk, trying to snap out. It's 2012 but I forgot it's a new year, forgot to change something about myself. I woke up in a bad mood, exhausted, cold, with a headache. My thoughts are negative.

I'm trying to turn my mind around. Figured I'd try blogging. I'm totally uninspired.

Lately I've been sliding into Self Pity Mode. It's a rotten place to be and yet it's my go to.

Also, I've been so fucking hungry this week, it's literally affecting my mood. Every day I've ate only veggies and hummus for lunch and I've come home from work positively starving, bitchy, and ready to eat anything. It's not good. The madness starts about two hours before work is done for the night. My coworkers are avoiding me and my bitchy self. At least I think so, the paranoia is encompassing. I think everyone is looking at me funny.

Where was I going with all this? Nowhere, really.

There's got to be some good. Ok, J. We like each other. Our time together is fun. He just doesn't text/call me enough! He has said before that he "doesn't want to bother me". I'm not sure what I said, but it doesn't bother me! I miss him! Or am I just getting attached? We text at least once a day and talk on the phone maybe twice a week. But I want more. Do I? Am I so confused that I don't even know if I want more or I'm just programmed to want more or maybe society is telling me to want more? Maybe I want less? No. That can't be it.

I've just always been a sucker for instant gratification.

I cannot not not not turn to J. as an answer to my sadness. I will not use him as a shrink. I know deep down that our pace is fine, albeit a little slow. But slow is better than fast, at least for me, at least right now.

I went to get the mail and my train of thought has slowed.

Think Thin Today. Tomorrow. Always.


Sar

Eating issues

Hi my name is tiny waist

Happy New Year! 2012! I just got back from a great date with J. and now I'm hanging out about to go to bed. Today was good, J. and I spent 8 hours together. We went to dinner at this great little vegetarian hole in the wall restaurant, that I picked out because he had asked me where I'd always wanted to go.

I ate a falafel (why oh why did I go for something deep-fried??) sandwich which was only partially mortifying. Have I ever mentioned my severe dislike for eating in front of people, especially guys, especially guys I like?! I am in constant fear of looking like a pig or having food around my mouth or crumbs on my shirt or food in my teeth. I wipe my mouth with a napkin after every bite, like an obsessive. I swish water in my mouth when I take a sip of my drink (always water or alcohol), to "clean" my teeth. I feel like a freak upon reflection. It's only eating...right?

As if.

I can't even think. I'm distracted with thoughts of J. and fragments of our conversation. Did we really just spend the day together? Yes. We sure did. And I had fun. I enjoyed our time together. I can see us falling in love. It's weird. I am basically astounded by the whole thing.

I am going to bed soon. I must end this. But first, I hope everyone had a nice new years eve and day! I definitely had a blast!!! I was hungover on the 1st though. Oops. This does happen every year, at least since I've been 21.

Think thin!!

XO
sar

Ps. My stomach is positively grumbling. Should I give in? Nah, don't feel like it.

Slightly stupid

Stoned. At home. Sipping a glass of wine. I agree, I need to get this coworker sex fantasy out of my head. The problem is that I'm shy. The other problem is J.- I care for him. I have a feeling that I'm subconsciously self-sabotaging.

Work is done for the week. It's officially Saturday morning and today is the last day of the year. I'm going to get a hair cut. I need to do (everything) right.

Today D. (guy at work) and I didn't really talk. But there was this weird eye contact on break. He is a mystery, and I'm up to my old tricks. What will it take for this wandering eye to die?

And here I am, texting my ex-boyfriend. What the fuck is wrong with me?

-Sar

2011 is old news

Doll-thin, non-reality, fucked priorities.

New year's eve eve. I'm listening to music, schmoking some schmoke, and haven't even made the coffee yet, even though it's 12:30 in the afternoon. Fuck.

Ok, the situation has been remedied! It's a-brewing. I really need to clean. My room is messy. It's driving me crazy. I just want a few hours to do it! So tonight or tomorrow, I'm buckling down. I'd like to start the new year with an organized space. And a organized mind.

I watched "Melancholia" two nights ago. What a movie! The music is gorgeous and appropriate, the visuals are haunting and Kirsten Dunst plays a very convincing depressed woman. She will probably win some sort of award. Her sister (actress Charlotte Gainsbourg) is Ana-thin. Her bones stick out in every scene. Oh, movie thinspo, how I enjoy thee.

Mmm coffee. I've been cheating and drinking it with creamer. Every guilty sip is an inch around my waist.

***

New year's eve last year was a shit show. Same with the year before, actually. Wow. Ok. So this year is going to be normal. I hope, I pray. I am going to a free concert in my area. I have no clue who's joining me or who's driving. I might go have dinner at a friend's first. Might. Any occasion involving food makes me nervous. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

J. has to work tomorrow and Sunday, unfortunately. He will be getting out at quarter to midnight tomorrow. We want to see each other and kiss at twelve so it will be a race against time, trying to get together for a lip lock...how romantic. Then we'll get wasted. How not romantic.

Today is going to be one of those days, I can feel it. Too much on my mind and I've been fighting off a sickness. I am nervous about tomorrow and hope everything goes well. The rest of the year depends on it!

Do you believe in karma?

***

On one last, final, note. There is a guy at work. *Sighs* I am really into J. and pleased with what's happening with us, but this guy!

I don't know if I invent this shit to keep myself entertained at never-ending work, or what. But I'm thinking there is some chemistry between us.

For some reason, I can hardly look at him. My eyes give me away and I blush so I avoid him. This was innocently going on for months, but he recently (2-3 weeks ago) switched to my department! So I see him every day, alll day.

I guess maybe I'm just super horny. I haven't had sex in awhile. And my sex-with-a-coworker fantasy is always present. I mean, I'm not technically tied down or with a ring on my finger. I can do what I want.

What do I want? Does anyone ever know?

***

Think thin today. Be strong. Be thin.

X
O

S
A
R

Baggy clothes are a mixed blessing

Hope you all had a great holiday! I celebrated Christmas in a big way: NFL game on the Eve, lots of food and drink all weekend, and good times with family and friends. I gave and received nice gifts. I haven't stepped on the scale since last week. That all changes tomorrow. I allowed myself some indulgences but for no longer. It's time to get serious.

Although, some days I feel too thin. Can you believe that? My clothes are just too baggy! I'm not exactly complaining but I like to look good, and no one looks good when their clothes are hanging off. I'm not rich so I can't keep shopping for new stuff...I'm just not buying jeans for awhile and the dryer is my new best friend.

Oh, and last week I bought a shirt from bebe, size XS. That's extra small. Because I'm apparently shrinking back to my high school body. It looks super cute on me and I wore it to J.'s when we exchanged gifts. We are still dating. He gave me a Vera Wang necklace and a purse. I gave him a hat and a lava lamp. We're too fucking adorable.

Be strong. Peace.

XO

~Sar~

Peace frog (not for closed-minded individuals)

Hey hey. I've been losing more weight. About 4 pounds since I've last blogged. This makes me happy, I'm getting there...but not there yet. (The elusive "there"). I need to lose about 8 more pounds before I'm completely happy with my body. That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it.

Last night I took LSD. By myself. In my room, after work. It was good stuff and the "effects" kicked in right away. I was seeing some incredible things. Acid is a weird drug. It tricks you. I'd be looking around, thinking, "Ok, it's fading, maybe everything is back to normal" and then I'd look to my left and see my scarf-covered mirror melting off the wall like a Dali clock five feet away from me. It was beautiful, it was surreal. It happened, and I won't forget it. I'll never forgot what I saw. What I've seen.

I've taken LSD (3 or 4 times) before so I was prepared for it. I hid my full length mirror, put pretty dresses and scarfs over items to captivate my eyes, and kept my thoughts light and happy. It was a peaceful trip. 

I was tired the whole time, which kind of sucked. I worked 8 hours, ate very little all day (about 400 calories - if that), came home and stayed up another 7 hours. It was just a long day and I absolutely think LSD is better in a daytime summer setting. I didn't even go outside. It was late, dark and freezing cold out there. But I liked my little oasis. It was soothing, in a way, to chill out in my room and not have to think about going anywhere or doing anything I didn't want to.

Being around nature is integral while tripping. You can really notice the intricacies as you gaze in wonderment at the natural world. If I ever do it again, it will be outside in the summer.

I have two houseplants in my bedroom and that's as close to nature as I got (this time). It was all gravy, baby.

Are you experienced?

Tripping brings you outside of your body for a bit. I realized that my body is a vessel; my soul is possessing it to experience life on Earth as Me. Someday, when I die, this body will be cast away, long forgotten and dispensable, and I will be free to fly.

I am not looking forward to that day, I want many years to live my life and fulfill my purpose here on Earth as Sar. I truly hope I can make a difference in the lives of others, in fact I know that I already have, and will continue to do so. Forever changing, gratefully learning and loving. 

And when 'D-day' comes, I will shed away my skin like a snake. I will burst out of my cocoon like a bold breath-taking butterfly. I will jump into the abyss, naked.

And it'll be ok. I'll be ok. You'll be ok.

***

The Beatles are the best band I've ever heard. The message of peace and love combined with their incredible musical talent is something I choose to connect with on a deeper level. Their music is timeless, riveting, and speaks to me like nothing else I've ever heard. I wish I lived during the 1960's-70's so I could've had the chance to see them live.

I listened to "Yellow Submarine" in its entirety on my trip. What an amazing album! I was overwhelmed with love for the group and their music. I was struck by how the songs flowed perfectly together. It just made sense, and I was thankful to have ears to be able to hear such wonderful music.

I love love LOVE music!

Do you? I am ALWAYS looking to hear new bands! Let me know!

***

Time for a shower and perhaps coffee. I only slept 6 hours but couldn't/didn't want to be in bed all day. I just needed to blog about my trip. I'm glad I did it.

Yes, most drugs are "bad", addicting, and dangerous if you're out driving but I've done my research. I feel comfortable with the fact that LSD doesn't hurt my body or brain. Not that I'll be doing it again anytime soon. Don't get me wrong - it is a very powerful drug.

You have to accept it, you need to have some idea of what could happen so you don't get a little freaked out by the emotional cutting board and stuff moving in the corner of your eye and the thoughts, oh the thoughts come hard and fast. You must know this, be ok with it, embrace it, remember that it WILL end, and you'll be set.

Ahem. Not that I'm giving drug advice. LOL.

***

Shower time for real. I need to get out while it's still light out! Have a good weekend and love yourself.

Think thin, too. 

XO

~Sar~