well hello

well hello

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

If it wasn't for the birds

Sometimes all I can do is lift my shirt, turn sideways, suck in, and stare at my bones in the mirror. It satisfies my narcissism. It's not that I think I'm beautiful...it's the opposite really. Oh, who am I kidding? I DO think I look good. So sue me.

I really can rock the look though: the black v-neck short-sleeved shirt with sexy, fitted jeans, a cool necklace and a fierce facial expression. It's no coincidence that I used to want to model. (I know). I keep telling myself that looks fade, because they do. Like that's going to help me, I'm in too deep and I don't know how to swim.

Just kidding, I actually can swim. It's a great work out! So is the treadmill on a steep incline at a fast pace with arms pumping and sweat dripping off my flushed face.

I did it two days in a row, and had to stop because I injured my neck head-banging too hard at a concert the other night. Ha. I love music. I love dancing (another great workout). I love BEING EXTREME!!

Enough small talk, there's a reason I've been avoiding you. A few reasons, actually. Here they are, and no, I'm not going into detail at this time.

(1) I hooked up with my best friend's brother, again. He has been ignoring me ever since.

(2) That job that I was soo excited about? The one I bought the expensive business suit for? Well, it turned out to be a scam. I am another one of the millions of Americans getting fooled by the internet. Damn you careerbuilder.com and your SHITTY, FALSE job postings!!!

(3) I painted my nails black and they look great!! (a little happiness amongst the negativity).

(4) I made out with my ex-boyfriend, John, the other day and he's been on my mind ever since. He stays there like he lives there. We've been on and off and back and forth for YEARS. He's no good for me, and I highly doubt we'll end up together, but I love him still.

(5) OK, why am I making this list again? I'm distracted. I'm incoherent at this point. Here's why~I just swallowed a pill. Yes, a pill. A. P.i.l.l. A hydrocodone, lol.

Why, you ask? Because of my neck. I already told you I fucked it up, why the fuck else would I pop a pill that someone illegally obtained a prescription for to sell me? Well, to get fucked up. Besides that. My neck.


I just wanted to update. I'm unemployed (still) but my outlook is sunnier. I am making moves. I am not giving up.

OH YEAH. (This should be on the above list).

Earlier today, after I got home from a little...transaction, my brother calls me to the basement door because of a weird, smoky, gaseous smell coming from down there. My parents were at work so it was just us.

You all know what happened next...I freaked out (somewhat silently), dialed 911 (they instructed us to leave the house), ran upstairs (because I swear to you that I thought our home was on fire), grabbed my cat and shoved him in his carrier, ran downstairs into my room and grabbed my purse, ran outside with my brother and waited for the help. My heart was racing and I was visibly shaking.

We live by a fire hall and the alarm went off, then the fire chief showed up (lights flashing), and then a huge fire truck came. There were men going in and out the house with walkie talkies and propane level checkers or something...suddenly someone with a orange cone and an orange vest was out front directing traffic around the trucks...it was all a bit dramatic.

Turns out, a bird flew down our chimney, into the basement, into the furnace, got stuck and then cooked.

Yes, you read that right. We fried an innocent little bird in this house. By accident, of course. It was shocking and jarring but I felt prepared. Probably because I've been dreaming about calling 911 and dreaming about fleeing houses and dreaming about what to do in the event of another life-threatening emergency. Today was not life-threatening. I feared the worst but it was ok. I was ok.

That's big. I've been suffering through PTSD after my apartment fire (see entries from April 2010) and I've been crying a lot. The events of the day showed me that I CAN stay "calm" in an emergency, I CAN do it, I CAN be strong.

I have the will to live.


And I'm damn glad.


I hope you've all been thinking thin. I have! It's been great! I did binge a little bit the other night on some sweets, but we all fuck up, don't we?



Peace on Earth.


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