well hello

well hello

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Let me let go

It's late sunday night and I'm sitting here, collecting pictures of "sad thin models" and smoking, thinking of a boy I barely know. So here, check it out, and I'll continue to put off telling you what's up...




So I told you a little about Matt last time I blogged; we hung out a total of 3 times. Each time better than the last. I hoped for something to come out of it. We texted I texted him and he responded each day this week and then BAM it's friday night I'm super excited to see him. I figured we were hanging this weekend even though no official plans were made. I had no right assuming that but I did. Well you know what they say about assumptions, "they make an ass of you and me". 

I truly thought I would hear from him on saturday, but I didn't, so I ended up texting him saturday night, keeping it cool & simple. I just mentioned that I was going out and "feel free to join up :)".

He never bothered to get back to me. It was really just the final straw after a week of passive communication on his part. I even started to cry a little in the shower because I really didn't want this to end so quick but no contact from him means no interest. I should have saw this coming. And maybe I kinda did. But I had such hope.

Oh, and it gets better worse. I went on facebook (big mistake) and today he was "checked-in" at some outdoor tractor pull event (I know) with two girls and another dude. Aww, double date much? Of course I click on both girls names to check them out. One has all the private settings (damn) but the other allows her pictures to be viewed by the world. And what luck! An album called "Summer 2011" updated today! Wow, I'm a sleuth.

There is a picture of Matt and this blonde (I'm a brunette), who he was tagged in the "check in" with, smiling, her arm on him, his head tilted towards her, his smile earnest. It was taken tuesday at a concert, which I knew that he went to, but didn't realize it was with a girl...and they hung out today! What the hell, man. Two dates in one week? 

Yup, so I'm officially out.

To say I'm crushed would be accurate. I'm a fucking idiot.

Why the fuck do I torture myself?

Why did he choose her over me?

There's no answers right now and I'm pissed. And hurt. I knew we were not exclusive and technically only went on 2 dates but he could have at least said, "no sar I don't wish to hang out with you". Right? Or even "no I'm busy" would have sufficed. But to leave me cold, high and dry is fucking bullshit.

I'm mostly angry because I actually liked him. I could see us hanging out and having lots of fun. But he chose someone else.

I, the rejected, feel as if karma is getting me good for all the infidelity I've taken part of. Seems pretty likely, right? I've screwed with many emotions and now it's payback time. I hope I'm not destined to be alone, I crave love and desire it so much, but perhaps it's time to admit that I'm not ready for a relationship.

I can face facts, I know that I messed this up. I got clingy and a little dependent. He took control and I became putty in his capable hands. He had told me that he liked how I was "forward" and so I kept acting somewhat forward in my own weird way which obviously repelled him...so he just stopped talking to me for another girl? He's a player, and I'm just glad I didn't fuck him.

But you know what? I'll get over it.


Hope you're all thinking thin. 
I slipped up a little this weekend due to stress but no more. I'll take this rejection as fuel to my fire, I'll hold the pain inside and try to dull it slowly with my favorite coping mechanisms: weed, cigarettes, alcohol, and coffee. I'm still in therapy but what has changed with me? I'm a mess.


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