Hello Monday! I've had the house to myself because my parents went away for their anniversary. You know what I did, right? Binged my little face off. Because no one was around to watch. Because I'm sick in the head. Because my eye has been twitching since Thursday and has not stopped! God damn stress and emotional eating and period eating has resulted in me seeing an incredibly high number on the scale. It needs to go back down, where it belongs, and that's all up to me.
Last night was just ridiculous, plain and simple. I won't even share the horrid details. It's in the past but the memory of my overindulgence lingers. I actually had the nerve to wake up hungry today. My stomach was grumbling and my body craved more, more, more! Thankfully I've been on the move and only had a pear. I'm not going to fast but I am going to restrict hardcore.
I'm currently smoking a bowl and waiting for my second load of laundry to dry so I can put it away and check another item off my list. It feels good to accomplish. If only I could accomplish thin.
I can, though. I just have this weird mental block stopping me sometimes. When no one is around I fall back into old habits. A modified version though, because I really don't want to purge. Ever again. Which means that all the food I eat stays in. I pay the price for my gluttony by gaining.
I'm getting sick of my therapist. I've been going regularly since May and she's starting to annoy me with questions like, "When are you going to stop smoking?" and "When are you going to stop punishing yourself?" and "Why are you focusing on your flirtations with a married man when you're supposed to be concentrating on job training?"...I have no answers. I don't want to stop smoking (at this point). I have no clue when I'll stop punishing myself, but at least recognize that I am doing so. (Progress?). I focus on the married man because I am attracted to him and my eyes appreciate having someone to gaze at and my mind likes to imagine the torrid affair and myriad opportunities to fuck at work (it's a bucket list thing for me). I can't stop mirror-checking, I can't stop torturing myself; I can stop paying money to feel sometimes worse coming out of that office than I do when I walk in.
I'm doing ok though, I think. I'm going to work, I'm making money, I'm taking care of my cat and sometimes myself. I am making friends at work, I am hanging with my old friends every once in awhile. I have a trip coming up: I'm going to see my sis and nephew down South. Think I told you about it. I'm excited for that, I'm happy to know that I paid for my own plane ticket. I bought a new book last night and started reading it. It's good!
I'm still smoking weed everyday, I'm still smoking cigarettes at work, I'm still battling the depression...but I'm afloat. I'm doing this, I'm living.
Her thighs aren't perfect, but she's confident enough to stand in a bikini for the cameras.
Let confidence carry you through your days. Fake it until you make it.
Believe that you can be strong!
Believe that you can resist temptation!
Believe that you can be as thin as a model!
After you believe it, take action.
Eat less, avoid junk food, move around more...the results are in, you're fucking hot and stick thin.
Everyone desires you.
Pretty girls eating, but their smiles look forced.
Think thin today!