Hey there, sorry about the gaps in posting. I've been experiencing inner turmoil, as per usual. But I don't want to talk about any of that. I'm sitting here, before work, drinking coffee and smoking. Like I've done hundreds of times. I do the same thing, day after day, hardly any changes.
I'm seeing a new therapist. Went for the first time yesterday morning. I need to deal with the fire and my emotions surrounding the whole experience and after effects. The sadness and fear slip out of my tightly controlled guard in inappropriate places. Like work. Or when I'm talking to J.
I can't think straight lately. If you're a long time reader, you know that I tend to be obsessive with the men in my life. Things with J. are going good, we stayed overnight in a nearby ski town this past weekend (what a workout!!) with another couple. We have fun together and I feel that I can talk to him about most things.
I just think about him all.the.time. It can't be healthy. Like right now for instance. It's one in the afternoon. I haven't heard from him yet. The last time we texted was around one in the morning. I'm freaking out, worried, feeling rejected. My heart aches, I am vulnerable.
I won't text him, or call him, or email him. I'll get ready for work and go to work and push him out of my mind. Because I'm scared that I'm falling in love with him. I'm scared that I need him. This relationship terrifies me but thrills me.
Got to shower. Think thin, Stay strong. Every day I look at my self in the mirror, naked and with a critical eye. I notice my imperfections. The good thing about fat is that you can make it go away. It's as simple as eating less.
He called about 15 minutes later. I was high so it wasn't a great conversation. Relationships are fucking complex.