well hello

well hello

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Falling in obsession

Hey there, sorry about the gaps in posting. I've been experiencing inner turmoil, as per usual. But I don't want to talk about any of that. I'm sitting here, before work, drinking coffee and smoking. Like I've done hundreds of times. I do the same thing, day after day, hardly any changes.

I'm seeing a new therapist. Went for the first time yesterday morning. I need to deal with the fire and my emotions surrounding the whole experience and after effects. The sadness and fear slip out of my tightly controlled guard in inappropriate places. Like work. Or when I'm talking to J.

I can't think straight lately. If you're a long time reader, you know that I tend to be obsessive with the men in my life. Things with J. are going good, we stayed overnight in a nearby ski town this past weekend (what a workout!!) with another couple. We have fun together and I feel that I can talk to him about most things.

I just think about him all.the.time. It can't be healthy. Like right now for instance. It's one in the afternoon. I haven't heard from him yet. The last time we texted was around one in the morning. I'm freaking out, worried, feeling rejected. My heart aches, I am vulnerable.

I won't text him, or call him, or email him. I'll get ready for work and go to work and push him out of my mind. Because I'm scared that I'm falling in love with him. I'm scared that I need him. This relationship terrifies me but thrills me.

Any advice?

****

Got to shower. Think thin, Stay strong. Every day I look at my self in the mirror, naked and with a critical eye. I notice my imperfections. The good thing about fat is that you can make it go away. It's as simple as eating less.

XO
~S


[EDIT]

He called about 15 minutes later. I was high so it wasn't a great conversation. Relationships are fucking complex.

3 comments:

Miranda said...

The only advise I could give is probably what you already know. Don't obsess! Try to just focus on yourself and not let your thoughts go crazy analyzing everything. Easier said then done! And I think it's good that you aren't going to call him. Nobody wants someone who seems too clingy and smothering...so it's good at least to try not to let him know it! Just enjoy the moments with him.

Holdin27 said...

Balance, baby, balance.

Anonymous said...

Do you ever text/email/call him first? How often do you text/email/call each other per day? How often do you see each other?

If you just started seeing each I think it's totally normal to feel this way. You like him. And you're excited about him. I'm sure he thinks/feels the same things from time to time. Guys are human too!