Why did I just binge the weekend away? Oh right, I'm unnaturally obsessed with stalking tinder guy. I added him to a 'close friends' list on facebook. Now I can see his every (public) move. My day hinges on that. Did he become "friends" with girls? Check yes and binge on burrito. Did he add pictures of girls? Check yes and binge on devil's food cookies.
I am DISGUSTING and PATHETIC and I HATE myself for allowing my self worth to depend upon his social media moves/amount of communication with me.
He's not a terrible person, guys. He's one of those people who constantly adds stuff/updates his page. I am not like this. He is my opposite astrologically as well.
We have chilled twice. He gave me flowers. We have plans this week. I think he's just very popular, with both sexes. Again, this is the opposite of me. I do not have many friends.
He's 33 but I don't know if he's looking for a relationship. I do know he has a five week trip to South America coming up this winter. So wherever our relationship is at that point...well I'll cross that road when I get there. Needless to say...I am confused.
But yes, sadly, it was a binge weekend. I can't blame tinder guy completely. I blame myself for being weak, addicted, insecure. I am so addicted to weed. I told my therapist I wouldn't smoke every day. I told her I wouldn't smoke on the nights before work. I'm a big fat liar. Ever since I bought the bag (ended up getting eighth off J for $40 not $60 haha) I've been on a blazing bender.
Deep breaths. All is not lost. I took a 90 minute sweaty walk yesterday morning, which was much needed. Didn't clear the old head, though. The only thing that will clear my head at this point is abstaining from drugs for days. Not sure if I'm up for that challenge.
I need to be STRONGER. Where has my discipline gone?? I went to the dollar store, of all places, for cat litter last night and of course I bought a bag of candy. SO SAD.
I woke up this morning feeling restless, uncomfortable in my skin, and in a bad mood. It is the start of a new week and I cannot feel like this a moment longer. A plan, Sar, you need a plan/purpose/refocus.
Without further ado:
I am going to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Tinder guy and I are still talking. He hasn't given me a direct reason not to trust him. My thoughts are coming only from my interpretation of his facebook. I believe he is a good person who is not trying to fuck with me.
I am going to RESTRICT today and eat HEALTHY for the rest of the week. I have food here so NO store visits.
I am going to continue getting to sleep at a decent hour because it really helps me on these early mornings.
I actually got a lot done this weekend, despite the binges. I made some important calls, deposited checks in bank, paid some bills, did some organizing/cleaning.
You are not a perfect person Sarah. That is ok though. You are human, finite, and beautiful. Compared to the morbidly obese, you are thin. You have plans this week. You have a life. You will be ok.