well hello

well hello

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Unspeakably depressed

I'm not sure how everything got so messed up. Things with tinder guy have boiled over. We fight way too much. Can you believe that? We've been talking for a month, chilled twice, yet we...fight? Too much, too soon, and it's sad. I was really feeling it for him but we clearly bring out each other's nasty sides. Needless to say, we did not get together thursday as planned. It's a long ass story. Blame it on me.

I had a tough week. That is, I had a good week on the surface, but mentally I was a mess. The other day I woke from a flashback nightmare about the fire. I jumped up out of bed, literally gasping for air, clutching my chest. My heart was FLYING. I could not calm down. It was terrifying. It started my weekend off on an incredibly unstable note. I smoked to dull the pain. I ate a bunch of shit. I grew depressed as the hours passed.

I am pathetic still. I see and feel myself pushing everyone away, just everyone. Door shutting over my face and locking. Guard up, intact, impenetrable. I can't seem to change this. Maybe I don't really want to.

I hate this.



stillimagining said...

Aww sweatheart I'm so sorry for the way you're feeling :( I really understand that need to feel distant and having that wall up from others. In a sense its to protect yourself because you've been hurt & you don't want to be hurt more. I know a few words from me isn't going to change anything but at least I can give you some hope. I used to think exactly like you and just guard myself from everyone & I was just never myself around people & I could never just relax and have fun. And I truly thought I would never ever be able to be happy or have real friends and trust anyone. I've slowly started opening up to ppl. Yes I've been hurt from trusting certain ppl, but there are also friends that because I trusted them they trust me too and we tell each other EVERYTHING about each other and its just such an amazing relationship because I can be so completely honest and its wonderful. And I want you to know there are ppl in this world you CAN trust & when you find them its going to be AMAZING. don't lose hope beautiful. & stay strong<3

Miranda said...

Definitely run from Tinder guy. If you are already fighting things will only get worse. So sorry you are down. I know deep down you do really want to change what's happening but I know that often times it's impossible to figure out how.

Kay said...

Just ran across your blog. Your tinder guy sounds weird, you shouldn't be fighting already! The first at least 6 months are supposed to be the "honeymoon" phase, where all you do is be crazy, have fun, enjoy the shit out of each other : )
So in my opinion (not that you asked) you should move on & find someone who you want to be crazy with! & doesn't make you nervous when he posts a bunch of stuff to Facebook, etc.
Just my 2 cents.
I'm going to follow you so I can read more boy stuff : ) & maybe we can bond over our food issues, I am trying to be healthy and keep recovery going, but times get tough and sometimes I turn to the blog world.