What is going on with reality? My life has stopped making sense. I am listening to Phish. My boyfriend is verbally abusive, immature, fragile, and doesn't trust me at all. In his words, he "trusts me not to give a fuck". Ouch.
My hands are cold. My stomach is nauseous. I've smoked half a pack of cigarettes after over a month without. I can't eat.
I can sleep but I keep getting interrupted by my downstairs neighbor who works until close at a bar (4am) then comes home loud, drunk, and usually with a dude. So I've been waking at dawn and being unable to fall back asleep some nights because of her ignorance.
It makes me want to move. Everything makes me want to move.
I have stopped writing, stopped practicing guitar, stopped caring about anything but the drama with my boyfriend. It's weird because I realize it but I do nothing to change. I'm comfortable using him as a distraction. It takes the focus off me and my loser life.
Alright, I'm not a loser but I am making $12/hour, socially awkward, and barely hang out with anyone anymore. I am for the most part ok with this. However I do see that in comparison to others I am lacking: cool hobbies, defined talents, money, material items, marriage, babies...the list goes on.
My hobby is reading. Nerd hobby.
My defined talent? Meh, hard worker? Good at giving head? Keeping plants and a cat (and myself) alive? God I am lame.
When I take a closer look at myself I see that I am shallow, self righteous, judgmental, temperamental. I see the bad.
I need to remember how to be the light, see the light, be at peace.
I need to start praying again. Or something.
I have become stuck. I want to be released.
I am looking quite thin. 5 foot 8 and 135 pounds. This is a good weight for me. My arms and legs look smaller. My ribs and hipbones stick out and I have a bony clavicle and defined cheekbones. I am unstable - smoking - eating a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter (just one, cannot swallow - thanks anxiety!). I need to end this post.