well hello

well hello

Saturday, May 2, 2015


Good morning. I woke to my cat meowing at 8:30AM and never fell back asleep. At one this afternoon I am going to a baby shower. There is a tiny part of me that feels jealous and sad but mostly I'm excited to do something fun, predictable, kitschy, and chill. I bought two adorable onesies and a cute shirt for when she's a toddler and some fuzzy socks. They need to be wrapped and I have to grab a card.

I had a tough week. I had been bleeding *non stop* for almost four months before I finally found a new doctor and got in for another (my fourth) sonogram. Paying out of pocket because I lost my insurance a few months back. They determined I still had "tissue" in my uterus. Of course, right. I WOULD have a real complication that needs to be fixed. Thankfully, luckily, it wasn't too bad. The other night after work I placed four pills in my vagina. A few hours and some bad cramps later, I passed what I am guessing was part of the placenta.

It is incredible to me that I even just wrote that paragraph. Is this real life? Holy fuck.

Needless to say, the bleeding has FINALLY stopped. I am spotting a teensy bit but I have to believe the worst is over. This ordeal has been terrible, beyond anything I could have imagined. I never thought it would be this bad. But I survived.

There were two days that were particularly disgusting that I want to document here - this will be graphic. At work I bled through my last pad and could feel clots quickly coming out. It started dripping down my leg but I was wearing black pants so you couldn't see it. My clothes are soo loose on me, even my panties are riding low and there just wasn't tight enough fabric to contain the flow. I ended up leaving work early. The other time was at the end of the work day I could feel the same thing happening. I sped home, bled through my pants onto the seat of my car, felt the clots push out as I ran for the door. I got in my apartment, sat on the toilet, and it was a blood bath. Did laundry that night.

This is the result of an incomplete abortion. I am a statistic (again).

Take it from me, never have one if you can avoid it. Mine was done in a busy clinic and it's just not surprising the doctor didn't take extra time to NOT fuck me up. I am pissed but glad it's over. As over it will ever be.

D. and I are not speaking. We had a few great weeks but have been fighting daily since last sunday. I am attempting to move on. We both have insane tempers and just clash. That's all I want to say about that right now.

My weight is low. I am 127 last time I checked. I feel good about it but bad about my baggy clothes. I have zero interest in shopping for myself lately. SO MANY PEOPLE have commented on my weight, expressing concern, blah blah. Idc.

I'm out of steam. Have a good day everyone.
xo - S

ETA: Since posting about a certain controversial hot button topic I've lost a few followers. I don't mean to offend anyone. For my safety I will be removing my picture from the blog.

1 comment:

Bella said...

*hugs* I'm glad the bleeding's finally eased. You poor thing :( What the hell was wrong with your old doctor that they missed it on 3 sonograms? Sigh.

"But I survived."
Indeed you have <3

You are more than just a statistic, so, so much more. I haven't been following you that long in the big picture, but I've been reading since this all started, and it's really put you in a special place in my heart. You've been so strong through all of this, especially given you haven't had much support from D or your family (apologies if I'm wrong). You're a fighter and a survivor and an independent young woman, and so much more than just a statistic.

I hope the baby shower was okay despite the challenge. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way <3