Drunk off one beer

It's 9:30 on a Friday night and I'm doing some of my favorite things...laying low at home in comfy clothes, listening to music, smoking a bowl. Tonight I'm actually having a beer as well. Picked up a 4pack of Dream Patch fruited sours. Delish! 

I wouldn't consider drinking alcohol one of my favorite things these days as I rarely do it. I still keep track in my agenda notebook, as I have for years. For an entire year now I've drank on average twice a month. As opposed to most of the month. It feels great to have cut back on alcohol!! My weed intake is out of control though.

I got a raise this week. And a bonus. Me and bae bought plane tickets. We travel a lot. This time it's where I want to go. Lol, where else but Florida. Gulf side this time! I just love the beach. I think about the ocean a lot. Also, the moon is going to be full when we're there! I love things like that. When it all lines up. 

But NOTHING goes according to plan. Each day I struggle to get out of bed. I yearn to stay down, and under the covers. Once I'm up I talk myself into each next step. The pull back to bed is magnetic. The draw to the darkness is relentless. Most of the time, the day carries on predictably. Sometimes I plan to do something, and it doesn't happen. Or I don't consider it for one second, and then end up doing that very thing. It's like that for us all! That's life! But when you apply it long term, you have to weigh out the odds. On one hand you can plan, on the other Life interferes. How much control do we have? I want so much. I have ideas for life. But how many will play out? What may occur? Why worry now? Because I worry about fucking everything

*slow down. take a sip of beer*

*hit pipe*

Lately, my older sister has been confiding in me. I feel like her equal in a way. I carry her burdens. My older brother also recently confided in me. It appears we are all on the same page. Something is up with our mother.

I am so used to be alone. I thrive alone. Thrive, really, is that the word I would use to describe this day to day existence of mine? I am working. I am maintaining a relationship. I struggle. I question everything. I put things off and distance myself. I say I have friends to keep up appearances. The truth is that I really don't have a good friend. Sure, I have people. There are girls I can text if I want or need. Will they be there 100%? No. I do not have that in a friend. 

Some might say that no friend can ever give 100%. I'd agree. I used it as a figure of speech, to inform you that I long for it. I read about these beautiful female friendships in women's fiction. God, I get so envious. How amazing would it be to have a tightknit circle, or one or two close confidants. I used to have that. These days I have my therapist, myself, my boyfriend, and my other vice: the internet. I can talk to my siblings to a very certain extent. I am used to being an island by now. 

For the record, I'm doing amazing with my commitment to the gym. I have gone with my man every week without missing. It feels great! I know once a week is child's play, but to build a habit sometimes baby steps are needed. I have been eating kinda bad though. I've had an absolute WEAKNESS for sugar and chocolate. Since the holidays pretty much. Then Valentine's day. And now Easter candy is everywhere. 

I shouldn't even be drinking beer, as it's so high in calories, but since it's such a rare treat I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of it. I might have a second..

**

Just cracked open a second beer. It's all good. It's Friday night! My man is at his sports league. I love these Friday nights where I can just do me. We will see each other tomorrow. Things with us are pretty good. We're in love but we definitely fight a lot. But we talk it out. We are trying to figure out a way to coexist. I will say, he checks off all the boxes. More than that, we have fun. I have seen so many shows with him. We've been all over. And now this Florida trip. We're going to CO in the fall. He knows I want kids. He does too. We're just living for today. Neither of us is afraid to talk about the future though. 

The weird thing about having this blog is being able to read my old writing. Parts of my adult life are cataloged here. For better or worse. Some of the old posts are cringe as hell. Some of them blow my mind with their wisdom and strength. It's me. But I've changed.

I was going to write how I've changed, but I don't have the energy. This post is getting too long and I've been rambling the entire time. I just want you to know, sometimes I wish I could go back and do better. It makes me sad that I would hook up with guys and then blame them for "using me". Why didn't I realize how much control I had? Why did I act so naïve and vulnerable? If only I could go back and be stronger, better. 

But I can't. I can only be here, now. Alone at my kitchen table. Drinking my beer. Listening to music. Maybe I'll get cozy and watch something on TV. Maybe I'll scroll reddit til my eyes blur.

I miss old me. I miss someone I can't even remember. 

The person I am these days seems kind of dull. Drinking less - yay. Going to shows - whoop de doo. Working - who isn't? 

I need a real hobby. I should try to be more interesting. My mental health is not a personality. 

Once again ending a post on a somber note.

Does anyone else beat themselves up over everything? 

For me it's a constant, loud (silent) voice critiquing and correcting my every move. 

Love and peace. 

xo Sar