It's been almost two years since my last post. I am in a different relationship, at a different job, in a different phase of life. I'd love to get you all caught up but I feel no real obligation to share the details. Life is swell, except for my mental health. The waves and lows of depressive episodes, relentless anxiousness, irrational fears, hypervigilance. The moments of pure and raw rage. Being triggered by seemingly everything. I'm tired. I've been actively engaged in biweekly therapy for a couple years (and sporadically over a lifetime). I'm willfully medicated and barely drinking alcohol. I think a lot. I want to think my way out of this. But maybe that's not the way?
Work keeps me busy, but I have the luxury of remote work four days per week. It's a blessing and a curse. I spend a lot of time alone. Working, yes. But also: pacing around, picking something up and setting it down in another room, talking to and laughing at and looking at my cat, reading random shit on the internet, overthinking, snacking.
Snacks galore anytime I like. I haven't put on weight but after a cold winter of being inside with all the food I feel squishy. I'm 131, a comfortable weight, comfortable enough to wear crop tops in the summer. However, this lifestyle is not healthy. Me and my man "K" are going to the gym tomorrow. We've spent quite a few nights getting ice cream. We've been dating for over a year and serious for at least six months by now. We love each other and I'm excited for this new activity.
When we met last year we both worked out at different gyms. Yep it's true, I had joined a gym on my own freewill in January 2022. It was much needed! But I only went a dozen times over the course of last year. Me and K. did a lot of walking and dancing at shows for exercise, and I eventually cancelled my membership ($50/month). We decided that we would be work out buddies quite awhile ago (lol). But you know how it gets.
Anyway, tomorrow starts a healthier routine. My weight is ok but I want to get in shape. Going with him will hopefully be a great incentive. It already feels easier to know I'm not going alone. It was hard holding myself accountable and I wasn't good about going regularly. I also hope this improves my mental health. I still suffer deeply under the weight of my demons. I still have nightmares. I have a lot of old feelings that want to be felt, which pop out at inopportune times. I have a lot to work on. I have a lot to release.
I miss this part of me. Writing and documenting in this humble blog.
Hope all is well with you. Xo.
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