I'm in a shitty mood (again). I tried to go to sleep early, but lay there thinking about everything for hours. This is rare, I usually can fall asleep fast. But there's just so much going on. I'm leaving for vacation in one week - I should be happy! I should be excited! And somewhere deep down, I am. It's just that work is crazy, and life is crazy, and I am crazy. Hence, chaotic instability abounds.
My hands are freezing. We had one beautiful Spring day, and the rest have been so damn chilly. I spend too much time alone at home. Working remote enables my laziness. It's also quite isolating. I have to go in to the office the next two days and dread it. But that's only because it means I am leaving the comfort zone of my safe cocoon. Nobody is looking at me. Nobody is making noise. I am completely alone at home. I love it but I sense it's damaging my mental state.
What to do? Nothing. I'm coasting. A job is a job is a job. I'm not trying to leave. I'm sure as hell hoping to never have to sit in an office for five days a week again. That feels incomprehensible at this point, three years into the pandemic with its associated changes. I just need to do a better job in life. I need to be more motivated. I need to be more disciplined.
No one is watching me and the freedom that comes with that is sweet and tempting. But I am the only one responsible for keeping a roof over my head. I can't say "fuck it" and lay around all day.
It took me nearly two hours to proofread a seven page article. My head feels foggy. I'm tired and stressed. I feel so alone. K. tries to help. But my depression is bigger than us. I have therapy tonight, thankfully. It's very much needed.
Still gotta pick up his last birthday gift, wrap everything, and get a card. I got the baby shower gift for this weekend but need to also get a card for that. I need to do a laundry load of whites and my sheets. I have to clean the cat litter, vacuum, do the dishes, color my hair. I need to try on outfits and pack. Oh yeah, and I need to complete the financials on a work spreadsheet by the end of the work day. We are supposed to hit the gym tonight. My car needs inspection and I have to take out some cash for the cat sitter.
God, I'm exhausted by life. There's always something to do. And I say I want children? I can barely take care of myself. I feel like such a failure sometimes. I know I'm technically not, but I guess I don't fully believe that I'm not. Constantly seeking external validation that I'm good enough. Constantly fighting insecure thoughts. Constantly making the wrong choice. Like last night for example. I went grocery shopping (finally) and made a great dinner (salad with falafel) and ran the dishwasher but did literally nothing else but smoke weed and read. I should've done more. And now today, it's 1:11PM and I need to do my job but I just don't fucking feel like it. I will though. I'm gonna end this blog and sit down at my desk and figure out these fucking financials. After that, I'll take a break. Maybe a nap. I also need to shower, considering it's been two days. I am disgusting.
Sorry this is such a downer. Thanks for reading and the kind comments. It means a lot to know there is someone out there listening to these unfiltered thoughts.
xo
Sar
1 comment:
I have a weird relationship with weed--I try and limit use to weekend but even then i think the side effects linger...like I deplete my dopamine or "feel good" brain chemicals and adds to my depression. Try not to overthink things...go on your vacation and decompress--plus this will be good to shake up your routine. Try not to smoke as much and really enjoy your vacation time and connect with K--then try and ween yourself off to just using a couple of days a week ..and less. I also try and get outside more..it helps my depression. Have a great time...and remember to be kind to yourself. :)
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