Cold turkey

Hey, so, I haven't smoked weed since Friday. Just got home from therapy. Drinking my coffee, feeling anxious. I have a lot to do and a lot on my mind. D. will be home next Thursday.

Why have I stopped smoking? Because I have smoked half my life away and I'm sick of hating myself for it. I have been discussing this with my therapist for months, me stopping. She was proud to hear it's been a few days. Truthfully I cannot afford it because I am moving out at the end of this month. Yup. Out of the city and closer to work, closer to home, closer to D. Big changes ahead.

I am stressed. It's not that I want to pack everything up and move in the winter. It's not that I hate the city or my current apartment. I just am sick of hating myself. I am sick of being broke. The new rent will be $50 cheaper and I'll save on gas money. I don't want to be afraid to walk alone. I don't want to be surrounded by ghetto trashy city dwellers.

As for the weed, *sighs*, I love it. I want to buy some and smoke it. I just don't want to be addicted anymore. The blazing everyday in a constant haze and procrastination is killing me slowly. So are the cigarettes I've been chain smoking as a replacement. My choices are immature lately and I want to change. I want to be better.

I have so many things on my to do list it is driving me crazy! My boyfriend has been gone for five weeks and I told myself I'd accomplish so much! Have I though? Meh. Not really.

Still bleeding from the abortion, yes a straight month of bleeding. Tell your friends, kids. It's not for the faint of heart..I went in for a follow up appointment and tested positive for pregnancy still. I'm chock full of preggers hormones! Fun!!!

God, I am so scattered right now. My therapist encouraged me to blog but the coffee has me fucking hyped. I am sitting with my phone in lap waiting to hear from my boyfriend, pathetically dependent.

I have to pack. I have to renew my health insurance. I have SO MUCH student loan bullshit to deal with. I have to talk to my landlord to see if I can use my security deposit as the last month's rent. (Anyone ever do that?). I have to activate my new phone and mail my old one to them like yesterday to avoid a $500 charge. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I want to do is fly away to the ocean and curl up on the beach and stare at the waves and drink a fruity cocktail and then go running and leaping into the water. I want to smoke, dammit! I want my hair to be beautiful again (it's time for a cut/color). I want my boyfriend home. I want to be strong against my cravings.

At least I continue to lose weight. So many people have said, "hey, have you lost weight?". I haven't weighed in awhile but I'm soo down. 15lbs last time I checked a few weeks ago. I mean, it obviously needed to be lost. All my pants are SO FUCKING baggy. I look like a bag lady. I look like hell. My face sometimes hurts from frowning. My face itches! Damn dry skin. Damn winter. Damn snow.

I am sexually frustrated, stressed, annoyed with life and myself and my boyfriend. I hate food, can't fucking eat anything anymore. I need to vacuum and change my sheets and dust and clean and organize and file my taxes. I have so much on my plate and my inclination is to run run RUN AWAY.

Writing sort of helps. I got stuck in my driveway today, lol. The snow is insane where I live. Why do I live here? Ask myself that every day.

Thanks for listening. I gotta get up and smoke a cigarette or something. Losing my fucking mind. Quitting a lifelong habit cold turkey ain't for the birds. God please give me strength.

Have a good one, loves. Thanks for all of your kindness lately. Means so much.
xo
Sar

Big black pupils

My eyes can barely see this screen, my pupils are obviously dilated, I'm hyper and it's 9:30 pm. I long to leave this house, so I'm hoping my bff texts me to go grab her mom a birthday present from walmart (the only 24-hour store in this town). Just so I can leave. Just so I can smoke some cigarettes. Why am I freaking out, you ask? Well. I popped an adderall this afternoon, just for the hell of it, just because I was feeling tired and unmotivated. I have had a somewhat busy day but I wish I had this stuff prescribed to me. It's SUCH a good feeling. It feels like ecstasy.

So! Intake today: zero. No food, hardly anything to drink. And damn, yes, it's late. I did good. That's why I love being on this pill. I only took one and it killed my appetite something fierce!

Yesterday I ate, which is probably why I'm fasting. It wasn't a conscious fast though, those are the best. When hours fly by and you're feeling good and then it's evening and you're thinking back and there's nothing, absolutely no food in you. It's a great place to be.

I'm finally all unpacked and have been sending my resume out. I'm hoping to get a job as a legal secretary. I have no law experience but I think it would be fascinating.

The only sucky thing about any kind of upper is that every once in awhile towards the end of it you start to get flashes of normalcy: a feeling of complete sobriety pops up and it's like, "no!". Deep breath. Then the good vibes come back. Come and go, go and come. Damn that sounds dirty.

I had another sex dream last night, this one was me basically seducing/coming on to this scrubby guy. I was all over him and all about sucking his dick. I am guessing it means that I am pretty desperate at this point. I am, but I try not to show it. I play it cool.

I hope everyone is doing well. I am trying not to swallow my tongue here. I know I shouldn't be messing around with adderall but I just love love love the feeling! Maybe I really need it, who knows. Maybe I'll demand ask my primary physician for a script.

Muah! HA! Ha!

Lol ok, time for me to pace my room and listen to some music. I can't get enough of Rhianna and Drake, "What's my name?" -- damn good song! Youtube it!

Be like the skinny hottie in the green! Think thin, lovelies!!

Xo

~Sar