I am so unbelievably addicted to smoking weed. Just weed, most say...it's all good. But it's not good at all actually. I smoke when I wake up, before work. I smoke when I get out of work. I am subdued and moody in between these two daily sessions. I'm scared.
And I'm smoking right now. My habit is not cute and I'm scared that I'm always going to choose to be alone with my weed and eating disorder. When did it get this bad?
It's been building up for years. I woke up today with anxiety. I remembered that at one time I wanted to be a model. 6-7 years ago. I even went to casting calls. With my mom. I had the clearest image in my mind this morning of my mom and I sitting in a waiting room in some fancy corporate setting, watching the movie they played, not knowing what to expect. What I didn't realize is that I was at a crossroads.
Around the same time, I met my ex and fell in "love". We moved in together and brought each other down...the experience completely depleted any plans of mine to do something great while I was still young and hot.
I'm recalling this and thinking about the choice I made and feeling...not regret, just a deep sadness and sorrow for what could have been. I could have been better, done better...but I chose to pursue a chance at love.
It didn't work though! Moving in with him was most likely the biggest mistake I've made to date. And I'll always know why I did it. The real reason...I needed to get out.
It's something I'm still dealing with, because I'm back here, living.
Living at home is making me crazy. "Home". "Family". It all makes me sick and angry. I'm using drugs to cope. It's a vicious fucking cycle. And I'm scared to death that I'm trapped.
***
Unfortunately, the pot has kicked in and things don't seem so bad.
Hold the phone while I grab a cup of coffee.
Yum. So hot.
***
I've been restricting all week as much as possible, but last night I did eat a fast food bean and cheese burrito. I added vegetables, obviously, but according to their website, one of those babies is 420 calories. Fitting.
Needless to say, I feel bloated. I'll pop some midol and skip breakfast. We're ordering Chinese food at work today. I haven't had it in months and have a craving for my mixed vegetables and white rice. It's not too crazy calorie-wise. At lunch I will only have a few bites, then put it in the fridge to take home later. It's bad, I'm aware. But so good.
My period was about 2 days long this month, and very light. I know this to be a sign of not enough food intake and calorie stores. My body hates me. I hate my body.
***
Think thin.
XO
Sar
***
<3
Peace
<3
