Abbey Road.

And here I am again, sitting uncomfortably at my desk and typing. Getting high is more fun with a friend. Peter, thank you, I enjoyed our ride and feel compelled to announce to the world that a fine joint was rolled courtesy of your fingers. I am high and sitting here like the drug addicted freak that I am. I just told him about the sex I had with Ryan. Not thinking, I assume, I also confided to Peter that I am a slut that sleeps around. Well not really, but I might as well have. And so now the Beatles, softly strumming and singing, but with pointed direction on Abbey Road, to change the tone of my tolerance.

Thirsty. I search around my room quickly for any sort of refreshment. Empty water bottle, check. I grabbed the last warm swig and swallowed it with a hollow thud. My throat is rebounding on its abuse. An orange? Too much work, and plus I am definitely not hungry. So what then, a walk down to the nasty bathroom to use the drinking fountain outside of it? Or to the laundry room, home of the sawdust. It seriously shocked me with splinters and sparkle sized pieces of wood. In my eyes, on my chest, in my hair, everywhere. Gross, the memory of it makes my skin crawl. Regardless of that whole ordeal, the water from the sink is often colder and generally better than drinking fountain toilet water. The decision has been made, I need water. For my health, for my digestive system, and for my brain to jostle around in it's brain juices.

I am back. I am working on getting my thirst quenched, and really all I need to be doing is the five page paper that was due... TODAY. So, enough of this, you can have a fun night later, once you put in an honest effort!!!!! Show tomorrow, and now I am unsure about going at all. I am scared to see him. Why? We had sex twice, made out a few times. Not much flirting AT ALL. I freeze up and can't flirt, or be coy, or anything. I just ramble on and purposely annoy him, and he even called me out on it, and I fumbled. I was fucked up though, I blew a line, smoked bongs, and drank mad beers. So, that could be a reason. Oh man, how did I manage to get here? I think I purposely put myself in a bad place, I don't know why or if I do, but I am reasonably sure that I am crazy.

A Freewrite.

Before I begin I think I am going to note that I will not be grammatical in the following sentences.

so here i am two days away two days before two days and i have to turn into two pieces of crap; hopefully it wont be crap but i am going to make attempts today to just finish them just get something on paper. i will be lucky if he even accepts it, considering i didnt warn him that i was turning it in after break. so enough soup soon soft thay are full of mice ghetto fun fry full of it yo young yoyo turd tv ty mono simpatica leaches dishes reaches fishes smeeches smiles smizz smoking a blunt every day all day and then turning around and tossing back two shots then another and finally one more and call it a day. i am here i am there i am hopeless i am scared i am not one i am not two i am not me i am not you i am not her i am not him i am not sarah i am not going to win. i drink starbucks to spark a light inside of my head too bad all it does is pushes the toilet handle on my insides and they spew out when they are ready and i am ready and i am ready and i am here not theyre stupid i am not i am smarter then then he said i am intelligent and then he fucked me what does that mean? he said a lot i said even more i was silly goofy dorky and just plain weird appartently everyone thinks i am weird but that is ok they could all say i am stupid or boring or plain jane or even slutty easy sleeps around but as far as i know they dont say that yet. yet. i fucked him. who else can i get. not him. i deleted his number i deleted eveything from my phone and it felt good. if he wants to talk he can call me in the mean time all i can do is stalk him on facebook but i am not going to do that either that is wrong/creepy and i dont want them all to say what i creep i became, even this blog this blog is creepy and depressing and dark and colorful and uneven and thoughtful and thoughtless most of the time and now it is one thirteen pm and all i have done is made my bed, sipped some chai latte with expresso and scarfed down reduced fat coffee cake which was delicious and a 60 cal pack of yogurt if i dont eat for the rest of the day i will be good except knowing me and my fat ass i will be snacking well not of i tell myself not too...DONT EAT YOU FAT FUCK. dont eat dont eat dont eat this is a free write and my brain is freely allowing me to starve for the rest of the day i want to i want to i want to just be so thin so light so tiny and skinny i want to never feel awkward around my own body again because i do all the time i sit there and look at my thighs and my huge ballooning stomach and feel pained, and feel shamed, and tuck, and fidgit, and try to appear smaller which is an impossibilty because i am so tall.

Schizo today.

Well I definitely got blew off by the boy today. You know. "Him". Not surprising, hahaha. And then the next day I had the nerve and the gall to tell him I like him, through a text. Another reason to laugh. He made himself clear as crystal by saying, "I don't like you like that" and "I'm not interested in a relationship". Guess what neither am I but what I would like is a steady hookup..of course I didn't tell him that.

My life majorly sucks.

Not because of that sad excuse for a human being. Not because I am a fuckup. Not because I have two papers to write, one that was due before Break even started. No, mostly life sucks because I have something mentally wrong with me. I really flipped out screaming at my parents, and now it looks like no apartment for me. I don't even have the courage to talk to them about anything, this is where the problems start I think. I can't let them know about the real, depressed, drug abusing me. I can't tell them things I fear will scare the shit out of them. I think they are already to damn sheltering. They want me to stay in the dorms because it's "safe" well FUCK SAFE. I have lived on my own before and

I REFUSE TO BE 23 YEARS OLD LIVING IN A DORM DESIGNED FOR 18 YEAR OLDS, CONSTANTLY UNDER THE WATCHFUL EYE OF 10 RAS. IT'S BULLSHIT. IT'S MY MONEY. (I am paying back all of my school loans eventually)..

Another problem. I need them to front me the $400 security deposit..and so no on that, so no on the apartment. I feel sick sick sick.

AND I got rejected by that guy. ahhhhhhhh.. I hate rejection. I hate facing my demons. I hate hate hate it all,,,

Just sitting here, waiting.

and waiting I shall do. I drank a small Tim Hortons coffee about 2 hours ago and I am positive it will keep me awake and wired for a while. My hair looks perfect, my skin is smooth and shaved, I want to get laid. My question for YOU is why the heck would you bother calling me and telling me you are on your way back to town if you are going to completely BLOW ME OFF?? Seriously, why? I just don't get it. It gets to me, and I think you understood that about me before I did.

That last post is killer. I was beyond any kind of comfort, just rereading those words puts a little ache in my heart and pain in my back.

Ah school. I had a paper due thursday. I didn't do it, didn't go to class, didn't email my professor, nothing. Fucking slacker. Why do I think I can get away with this stuff? Pretty pathetic when I think about it. I haven't started it yet, obviously, but I will. I have another paper that is due the tuesday after Spring Break. Ha! That one is going to be a lot harder. I literally just laughed out loud at the thought of writing it. Fuck.

Peace!

I am fucking miserable.

I really hate life right now, today, this moment, whatever. I am so goddamn miserable and filled to the brim with hate and contempt. I hate everything right now. The other day in class I sat and scribbled as hard as I could on a piece of lined paper "I hate this, I hate that" - I filled two or three pages. Even this blog sucks. I don't keep it up and it is no longer therapeutic. I can't even type. I missed my counseling today, just skipped it, didn't even call. So add him to the list of people that probably hate me. I hate you I hate you I hate you ihateyou.

Die. D I E. d.i.e.

I hate this, I am a mess. I fucking don't even know what to do anymore. I suck at life.