Ridiculous.

My life is wild. I am out of control, drugs left & right, daily cigs, too much coffee & sweets. Where did I lose it? It had to have been more than a few months ago. I smoke pot the second I wake and after work or whenever I can until bed. Fuck. Not sure where I am going with this one. I guess a moment of clarification: I need rehab to stop smoking. Not happening though. I will attempt to fix this. I have to, I mean once all control is lost and I am being dominated by white coats in a prison for deranged souls like myself then my life as I have always known it is forever over. Done. and I, in turn become a ghost of the "girl I once was". Haven't I heard that enough? "You've changed" "You were sweeter when I first met you, now you're so angry and bitter". I don't like hearing that and I struggle to believe that I am a confident, growing young woman. I want to be happy and free from cold restraints like money, unnecessary stress, and the like.

My mind changes like the waves. Up and down, up and down, while swaying softly and sending sand spiraling towards a surface.

I love the allman brothers.

Food today: two nutrigrain bars [260], one fiber one bar dipped in pb [210], bowl of oatmeal w/ cinnamon [140], fruit cup [80], cooked spinach & mushrooms w/italian seasoning [50], few handfuls of honey nut chex cereal [350], two fatfree cappucinos [100], chocolate creme cookie [330].

Grand total: 1520 cal.

I am clearly not on the right track. My sister sent me this box of food. My rule of thumb as of late has been, eat or throw away every food item she sent. [explains why I purged those damn ginger snaps]. Why I am telling myself that eating it is the answer, I don't know exactly. I think my master plan here is to not buy any food, ever. And once this stuff/junk food is gone, so is my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Aha so there is a method to my madness. I just have been eating smaller portions early in the day, saving my binging for night. Now you may be thinking that is not the smartest way. Well is has been working for me. Because I total up my cals at the end of the night [after binge] and they are about a normal range. So I am not overeating. And walking up two flights of stairs is great, not to mention surprisingly good for my waist.

I have so much more to say. I have to end this post though, my fingers are flying over the keys and my mind can't keep up with the music, which is all I really want to hear. Love& peace.

Think thin tomorrow.
and today.

A moment on the lips..a LIFETIME on the hips.

<3