No exit.

Hello new follower! Checking my email today brought me the biggest sense of giddiness I have felt in awhile. Stayed up reading "Wasted" last night. That woman can write.

It's really something to have my writing commented on, I can't really explain, only that if you write than you know what I am trying to articulate. It is so deeply personal, such an inner drive; to know that someone out there not only read it, but liked it, and freely commented on it brings me pride. Thank you.

Yesterday, ugh, was ridiculous. I mean, sure I ate some healthy things: 100 cal bags of "Craisins", raw veggies with honey mustard, yogurt, veggie burger with honey mustard (no roll!), but then this serious sugar craving kicked in. I was trying to beat it, all along the walk, in the car as I was driving, walking through the aisles of a local grocery store. But was I actively trying? Was I determined? No, and no. I justified it by telling myself that "I've done well today", and "the veggies are what is making me so full, and they are non-fat, so candy won't necessarily hurt"- it just wouldn't help!!

I wanted candy corn. But not badly. It was weird, like I was just following a tried and true pattern of behavior. Like something besides my brain was directing me to the familiar store, to buy comfort food...I was in slow motion. I paced the aisles, found no candy corn (it is July), and settled on South Beach Diet chocolate protein bars (5 in a box at 140 cal each) and fruity "Yogo Bits"...these individually packaged yogurt balls...they are tasty! At 80 cals for one package, they seemed like a good choice. Plus they were marked down, ha, probably should have checked the expiration date or looked online for a recall before I ate them, but hell, I feel fine.

So I devoured 4 SBD bars, 4 packs of Yogos, and felt full. I swear, I was full, maybe a little thirsty for water. But I kick-started something inside. I am finally beginning to realize this, as it's happening, after it is happening... I am in a clinical - b i n g e. and it's bad. It is bad for my poor stomach and bad for my figure.
To make a long story short (I have work in 30 min), I boiled about a cup of fiber-infused, white swirl pasta, and added canned zucchinni in marinara sauce (what?!?!). It sounds gross. And it kind of was. But I still ate a bowl and a half, I even added parmesean cheese and basil; then I walked calmly to the bathroom to barf.

Not. Good. Miss!
It is crazy how it becomes easier after each time. I never imagined myself doing this, ever, and here I am, an expert. FUck. Last night was bad, like once I got the initial purge up, it just started coming up involuntarily. Ugh, little bits of barf were caught in my teeth, and I was trying to rinse my mouth in the sink, then MORE came up unexpectedly..in the sink. Barf. in. the. sink.wtf.

I hate this, why am I doing this to myself? I mean rereading what I just typed above is stomach churning and explicit. I hope no one else tortures themselves like this..it is wrong, it is inbalanced, it is a cry for help? a cry out of lonliness? a form of amusement? another high?

I don't know and I am sorry. I am sorry that I was happy after. I am sorry that today I feel skinny and sexy, due to the scale going down for fucking once. I am sorry that I will not be eating this afternoon. I am going to continue to restrict, because purging is exhausting, and not to mention a hassle. I have to clean the toilet a lot : (

Not wanting to end on a bad note, let me change the music real quick.

I wish the world peace, I wish my family longetivity, good health, and much love.

I will do something every day to better myself.

Think thin.

Avoid nasty fat, horrible sodium, and catastrophic carbs EVERYDAY!

Loo0o0ve & peace!

Blurb.

No more lottery tickets!!!!!!!! I blow mad money and never win any!!!!!!!! I took a nice long walk today, it was great, then sauntered around town in a super short skirt feeling fat! Food for today: a nectarine, lime fiber one yogurt, and strawberry soyjoy bar...all good stuff..oh and I just bought a cappuccino..it said fat free :) Bottom line? Ever since I activated my credit card I have been spending far too much money on food, cigarettes, and lotto tickets...fuck.

My life is a joke.

Wow how many things can go wrong in one morning? It is not even noon yet.. I slept like shit, tossing and turning from horrible nightmares that seemed too real and too close for comfort. My period is here and heavy as fuck. I have one tampon left, so now I have to leave my abode and venture out in to the real world/ go to the store, which I need to do anyways, because I am out of b.c. pills. I am taking one of those as soon as possible, I want to NOT be bleeding anymore.. So then I look in the mirror and HELLO huge pimple right SMACK DAB in the center of my forehead. It had a white head, so of course I just tried popping it. Lol. Now my head is red and more noticeable than ever. My hair looks like shit, it is seriously time for a color change. Maybe today, if I ever get out the door. I am delaying once again by smoking a morning bowl. I found out from my mom that my contact lens prescription ran out, she "forgot to tell me" and that means tomorrow I have to driiive home and sit through the doctor hell complete with poking and prodding MY EYES just so I can get some damn contacts, wasting more money.

Oh, I feel like there is so much more. I am so down right now. Well slowly lifting up now finally thanks to an illegal drug. I don't get it. I don't understand life or this world or myself. I need to find my spirituality again, I completely lost it.

I am so fat. I have totally slipped. I have been buying food, binging and purging like crazy, then last night I told myself I wouldn't throw up, so all the nasty food stayed inside me..and I mean nasty, chips, pretzels, dip, Kashi cookies, cereal (Barbara's PB Puffins..soo good), yogurt, veggie burger, microwaved sweet potato, apple sauce, raspberries....ugh.

WHat the HelL is wrong with me...???

I need help. SO bad. Please someone. Anyone. I am so alone. I am living inside my head and it scares the fuck out of me. Maybe I should take my Zoloft. A little early but it may help.

No. Instead I am going to take care of business. I must (1) walk to library, pay fine (with cash), walk back (2) drive to rite aid, drop off prescription for b.c. [a lot of pills these days], stop at walmart for tampons, headband, drive back (3) RECYCLING (4) chill out?

I don't know what (4) is but I do know this. If I can take care of these three things I will be in a way better place this afternoon. I have to try. I have to try. I must. Keep. Trying. Don't give up Sar. Just work it, and take it a day at a time.

yes I am talking to myself basically through the keys...wow. Such disturbing, vivid nightmares lately, well not just lately, more like every night. It has been this way always. It is weird living alone. Part of my fear shows up at night, to remind me to always be careful. Don't let people in or too close. Keep a shield up. Watch your back because nobody else is..

This is a long blog entry, but my fingers are leaping and bounding over the keys like magic. I like this feeling, similar to flying, or what I imagine flying would be like, but not in an airplane. Flying without wings, without help. Just me and air, breezing along...

Randomness after a long day.

No more going to work high. Every time I wear a pony tail I rip hairs out.
Well I didn't do so good food-wise at work. By the way earlier I tore off a lot of excess bread from my dd flatbread. I did the same thing to the creme-filled donut with chocolate frosting that I ate at work. I stole it. Damn. It was 40 cents, but next time I work I swear I will put 50 cents in the register to make up for it. I just wanted it, and more than likely it would be thrown out tomorrow anyway. So I ate about three quarters of that. And on my break I ate one "cow tail" (110 cal) and a full pack of twizzlers (there was eight of them at 240 cal). Now my teeth hurt from all the sugar. Fuck.

Why do I crave sweets at work? Probably because I am always tired there, and I know the coffee isn't the best idea, so in my head I think, "oh sugar = energy, I shall indulge". How childish and closed- minded of me. Maybe if I went to bed earlier and didn't smoke pot all day I wouldn't be so damn tired all the time. Before work I was looking good, with a nice flat tummy because I had been avoiding carbs and sodium. You better believe both of those evil things were in the candy I scarfed down like a person possessed. What comes over me? A sense of wanting to chew. I am so weird, I always talk about food, and think about it. It is annoying because it is abnormal. I don't know what it is like to be normal around food. Since I was very little I have avoided red meat, and up until sophomore year of high school, I didn't eat pizza or anything with sauce. I ate chicken. Now I don't. Now I am a vegetarian and proud to be one. However I occasionally eat honey, gelatin, and dairy. But someday I shall be vegan.

Quickie.

Just got back from the drive from hell. Gridlock traffic, flash floods, white-fingered grip on the steering wheel. Shit. There is much to say but no time, because I have to be at work in 30 minutes and need to clean up a bit. I've just got to say, I've been doing good. You see, I was driving back from my parents house, a little over an hour away. While I am there I usually binge hardcore..there is always bread, ice cream, chips, cheese, and more junk food such as those. I was good! I indulged in some vanilla ice cream last night but that's it! I barely ate yesterday. Today I had a small bowl of honey bunches of oats cereal with soy milk, an "activia" yogurt (promotes digestion), a fiber one granola bar, and (bad BAD BAD!) a veggie egg white flatbread from Dunkin' donuts. I was hungry, and knew that I would make a much much worse choice if I didn't eat something! I was craving a burrito..so I settled for what I got and don't feel too bad about myself. I have to end it here. It's almost 7 at night and I have to be at work. I can't type everything I want to. Just know that I checked out "Wasted" from the library when I was home, aka the bible. Yes! I am in it to win it! Think t h i n.

Hot lava.

Life is weird. A friend came over and sold me his classical acoustic guitar for $45. I am now a proud owner of a guitar I cannot play. This reminds me of when I got my car, it is a standard. For the first week I had to be driven around in it LOL then finally learned. It took time and practice. Now I can drive stick decently. And now I can play music. It is time to learn.

Nothing to eat but a few blackberries today. They were my special treat from the store. Pricey, but worth it, they're an exciting mix of sweet and tart. It is almost three o'clock, over 12 hours from my huge binge last night, burn baby, burn. I stayed up late, cleaning, and doing random stuff because I was under the impression that A. was going to bring the guitar over at 3:30 a.m. Didn't happen. I didn't want to walk/drive over there and neither did he. So I read some Harry Potter (book 6) then fell into a disturbing, nightmare filled sleep. Oh man, to remember these dreams and write them down would be incredible, my imagination is wicked. And now I am remembering A.'s words when he came over today. He called me pretty. He mentioned something like "There is some attraction between us." I don't know. He is handsome. He is bold; he burst into song while demonstrating his guitar skills to me. I like watching him. The weirdest, most annoying part is that he got me to open up. Without trying. Now he is calling omg brb.

So I just talked with A. for 12 whole minutes haha. I can't even write/type. I feel good. Just gotta take it one day at a time. Same with dieting. And yes I will say dieting. Eating healthy is eating healthy, but I need to eat less. way less.

Peace.

Not with it.

I'm wrecking everything. The scale creeps ever upward. I allow daily binges on sugar, CARBS, and fats. I am disgusting. I am losing it.

I hate this. What the hell could it be like to be around food and not want to shove it all in your mouth as fast as possible to make up for the deprivation? How would it be to NoT think about food all the time, and wonder when is the next snack, dessert, treat, something to cure the boredom, loneliness, that could fill the emptiness that resides? AhhhhhhHHHHHH!!!!

I went grocery shopping tonight, honestly out of boredom and a dull hungriness these thoughts arose. And marijuana of course. I took a trip. I made the drive. I at least carried a basket, and stocked up on some really great things: Amy's vegan frozen meal, broccoli slaw, berries, a yam...then I slowly continued my way through the aisles, years of practice shopping with my mom allowed for this. I maneuvered past the candy, and then, it was the end. Duhn duhn dunnnn.... THE FREEZER SECTION.!!

Fuck. My. Life.

I am a fat ass.

I eat so much.
I just want more.

D A M N It!


think thin.

think thin. think thin. think thin. think thin.

with the twist of my fingers I pound out the correct keys to brand this into MY HEAD.

THINK THIN THINK THIN THINK THIN THIN THINK THIN...........THINK FREAKING THIN. DON'T THINK, OH I WANT FOOD, I CAN EAT FOOD AND IT'S OK, BUT GUESS WHAT IDIOT, IT'S NOT!!!! NO FOOD.

no more caps.

no food. no food. no food. stop eating fatty. just stop. just chill the fuck out and stop eating so much shit you fat fuck.

man....

Money.

Why do I spend so much money on junk food? Every single damn day I buy something. Today was: mac & cheese tv dinner, frozen broccoli, scoops corn chips, candy corn, and sugar free coconut filled chocolates. Gag. I ate half of the bags of candy corn and corn chips. Fuck. My stomach feels weird. I was doing ok, I ate 3 bananas today, and a small can of french style green beans. Then the junk food binge and SPLURGE happened.

There is a weight in my stomach, and a heavy iron ball pushing down on each shoulder.

I am out of water.
Just remembered that I ALSO bought fruity mentos. Fuck fuck. Ate about half of those. If I can stop it here I'll be ok. I guess I just need to get higher.

I bought an awesome tapestry and hung it by my bed, it's .s w e e t. I also bought a measuring tape! I am curious about my inches, but definitely waiting till tomorrow for all that fun. At this point I am very bloated from alllll the salt. Nasty.

Peace.

THINK THINNER .

Life is weird.

I don't know where to start, but I can say that forcing myself to write has led to interesting things other times.
I am really high right now, sitting by myself in my messy, tiny, apartment. I am sitting at my desk; I am uncomfortable, this chair sucks. I read a lot of blogs regularly, and "follow" some, and just wonder if anyone reads this one. It is so revealing. If you are reading this, then you know the private me, the one nobody sees or really knows. I am a mess, but I fake it. People think I am ok. I think I am ok. I just have some toxic issues, and I just want to say I'm sorry. I am leading a life of an eating disordered, drug-addicted, college student. I blog about these things, and only hope that others are sane and not as crazy as me. Life is so damn strange. How did I even get here?

My memory is gone. I need to start exercising, my body is going through odd things, gaining weight, wtf. I envision myself thinner, looking hot and skinny and sexy. I can do this, I was this way before. Back in high school I was a TWIG. It was awesome, but I had a different relationship with food, I didn't partake in much emotional eating. I suppose this is because I indulged in experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes instead; these vices were used as coping mechanisms.

Then college, the freshman 15 from the beer/liquor that was everywhere, this was before I knew or cared how fattening beer really is. It is soo gross and full of calories, carbs, sugars..everything unnecessary after a day of eating.

I didn't eat pizza until about 11th grade, then once I started, I couldn't stop, I loved loved loved it. No meat ever, I am a vegetarian and have been for years, but pizza is just the shyt.

Ok, I admit, I am not obese. I am a tall girl, 5 feet 7 1/2 inches, I am not chubby even. But I am fat. I have lots of fat on my hips, thighs, stomach, and ass. A typical pear shape I suppose. My arms are thin, my legs are thin, my neck/ collar area are thin. I just carry it allll in my my middle. What can I do for this?? I go up two flights of stairs to get to my apartment, you would think just doing that daily would tear up those love handles. Maybe I should start going up, then down, then back up, before entering my apartment. Haha, that's a great idea!!!!


Failure to Launch just started. Def gonna watch. Peace.

Think THiN !!!

The blues.

Today has been an interesting day. I biked about 1.25 miles this morning, to the cable place to pay a bill and back, then walked to a mini gas station. I bought a water bottle, comet for cleaning my nasty bathroom, and a cereal & milk bar, cinnamon toast crunch flavored. Went back, made my bed, ate the cereal bar, read a little. Cable dude comes, he's tall and gorgeous. I, in my pajamas and sweaty from the ride, sprawl on my bed and make small talk in a low voice. He was gone, much too quickly, and I tried to go back to sleep. Toss and turn; my bones hurt; I am cold but warm, tired but restless. A nightmare ended with me lighting a bowl or cigarette, and having the lighter explode in my face, POP! I can hear it still, it shook me away, actually it startled me awake, jump starting my heart and making me look around with fear, with spotted visions of the fading dream vanishing in my eyes.

K. came over. We smoked & talked. She quit smoking cigs, I asked her for one, that's how I found out. She left. I showered. I ate an apple. I stopped to feed a friend's cat; I was supposed to go there Saturday. I felt terrible, thank God she sent that text, wow, I am one forgetful friend.

I went grocery shopping. Before I did, unbelievably enough, I stopped at Dunkin Donuts for a coffee coolata, size small, made with skim milk. And the damn worker HAD to say, "what else can I get for you" like she KNEW I was wavering on the thought of a boston creme donut, my kryptonite. Fuck fuck fuck. Ordered one, it was a surprise, I really was going to just get the drink. I failed though. It was tasty, but as I drove away I reminded myself of yesterday's FAILURE OF A DAY/ HORRIBLE FAST FOOD binge. I was beating myself up, and driving to Tops. I went inside, grabbed a basket, got so much stuff I ended up switching the basket for a cart. I was picking out a bunch of healthy shit. I was doing good. At the same time I was sinning like crazy. I filled a plastic bag with bulk candy and ate it all as I walked through the aisles. Stealing and binging candy? In front of the shoppers, no less? I have hit a new low. I ended up throwing away the remaining three pieces. I gave a little sigh of disgust as I tossed the bag into the trash. Ugh/\

So I left, came home, got a mini workout bringing all the bags up two flights of stairs, seeing as how I made two trips. I ate a microwavable lean gourmet macaroni and cheese dinner immediately. I was craving carbs in the worst way. and cheese. It was good, but unsatisfying. I decided to warm up my other fatty snack food that I splurged on today. Pepperjack cheese filled soft pretzel bites. Dipped in salsa. Hot damn. They sounded good and looked good on the box, but made my already queazy stomach just rebel. I cooked four, (2 servings), and left half of one on the plate before jumping up, dropping to the floor in front of the toilet, and sitting, so dizzy.

I heaved a little and some small pieces came out. I was surprisingly pleased that I got some out. I have not ate since. I don't want to. If I decide to eat any more, it will be the EXPENSIVE pitted cherries I purchased. They are actually nutritious, and way better for me than the SHIT I ate all day today. FUck my life.

Think THIN!!!!!!!!!

A moment on your lips...is a LIFETIME on your HIPS!!!

Just Starve...Purging CANNOT be counted on.

<3

Fourth.

Oh by the way, Happy Fourth of July, Americans. I went out and partied, obviously. I am looking forward to sleep now. Peace on earth.

Relapse.

Today started horribly, I was hungover after 3 and 1/2 hours of sleep, drove blindly to Tim Horton's before work at 7, and bought a "whole wheat" & honey bagel with lite creme cheese. Whole wheat my ass, I am so disgusted with myself. I was seriously craving carbs after all that drinking ("Dragon Joose", gin& tonic, tequila) and also needed energy FAST.

After a long morning I was done. I bought a bag of plain Bugles, 2 apples, 2 airhead candys, and canned pineapple. Not too bad. At home I ate an apple, it was delicious. Then I cleaned out the entire bag of bugles, fast, they too, were amazing. It does not end here, unfortunately, it really should have. I was beyond stupid. I was blind, reaching outwards for food, food, anything, food. I went to Taco Bell. I ordered a "fresco" bean burrito and "3 layer" nachos + tomatos (extra $0.25). I pulled into a spot in the bright sun, picked up my burrito, tore a tiny piece of the burrito away, a part that wasn't touching the bean deliciousness that lay waiting for me encased in white flour wonder. Oh, so good. I devoured it fast, using mild sauce for dripping. Then the nachos. On first glance I was not impressed. Then I opened the lid, was greeted by a lovely smell, and DUG IN. They were great, horrible for me, and I definitely exceeded my sodium and fat content by m i l e s.

I finish my food. I sip some ice water. I am still hungry. I wanted potatoes, fries, tator tots. Something fried up, buttery, potatoey, wonderful, greasy, whatever. I drove to Burger King, realizing as I was pulling in that a vegetarian looking for food at a place with "burger" in its name was going to be shit out of luck. I was right, I pulled through and out, then back the other way towards an Arby's I passed. I ordered curly fries with ketchup. They were soo good, sooo greasy, and spiced to perfection. Worth $2 for a small...eh, if you've got two bucks.

Disgusted yet? I am. and it does not end there. After hitting the bottom of the carton of fries, I thought quick and decided my hunger was insatiable at that point. I went BACK to Mighty Taco, ordered ANOTHER fresco bean burrito, and devoured it, spilling sauce on my shirt and looking and feeling like a fucking slobby fat ass fuck.

The first urge to vomit hits in the parking lot. If I were smarter I would have just done it there, when the urge came. But I drove home, with bags of garbage in my car that were not there 20 minutes prior to my bunge excursion. I peed; I stuck my fingers down my throat, and hurled.

[blank]

What am I doing? I can't even do this right, wow, Marya could do it when she was 9 years old, I can't even make myself throw up, idiot.

I want it out I want it out I want it out/ breathe/ chug water/ tickle my throat, massage the coarse back of my tongue/ fail.

I hate this and I need it, I ate way too much, I need to get this out, try Try tRY harder. Jump up and down to make my stomach nauseous. Push my stomach in, puke, cringe at chunks in my teeth, do it again automatically, over and over, until it's over. I can't go on. I tell myself there is some out. Some is out. Not all, but maybe half a burrito. It's a small victory. My tummy looks smaller. I suck in, pretend my hips bones feel sharper, I am training myself to like the effects of this, what the hell is wrong with me?

I passed out, woke up, bought a blunt and smoked up with a friend. Now I am hunched over. I ate the two airheads. Still have the pineapple here but that would make a decent breakfast. I can't eat tonight. I could barely swallow that candy, it got stuck in my throat. I need sleep. I need water. I need to not feel this way. I keep burping and it smells like stomach acid and food, a gag worthy mixture..

This is a long one, please comment if you read this. I feel so terribly alone. I live alone. I am alone now, no one to hug. I may just head home for a few days. Either way, my lap top comes with. I can blog. It is interesting to recall this day. I need to learn from this. No food tonight, none, nothing. If I can wait until tomorrow I will feel better. I went on that crazy fast food binge around 2:30 p.m. It is 11:45. No food until tomorrow. Who's with me?