Relapse.

Today started horribly, I was hungover after 3 and 1/2 hours of sleep, drove blindly to Tim Horton's before work at 7, and bought a "whole wheat" & honey bagel with lite creme cheese. Whole wheat my ass, I am so disgusted with myself. I was seriously craving carbs after all that drinking ("Dragon Joose", gin& tonic, tequila) and also needed energy FAST.

After a long morning I was done. I bought a bag of plain Bugles, 2 apples, 2 airhead candys, and canned pineapple. Not too bad. At home I ate an apple, it was delicious. Then I cleaned out the entire bag of bugles, fast, they too, were amazing. It does not end here, unfortunately, it really should have. I was beyond stupid. I was blind, reaching outwards for food, food, anything, food. I went to Taco Bell. I ordered a "fresco" bean burrito and "3 layer" nachos + tomatos (extra $0.25). I pulled into a spot in the bright sun, picked up my burrito, tore a tiny piece of the burrito away, a part that wasn't touching the bean deliciousness that lay waiting for me encased in white flour wonder. Oh, so good. I devoured it fast, using mild sauce for dripping. Then the nachos. On first glance I was not impressed. Then I opened the lid, was greeted by a lovely smell, and DUG IN. They were great, horrible for me, and I definitely exceeded my sodium and fat content by m i l e s.

I finish my food. I sip some ice water. I am still hungry. I wanted potatoes, fries, tator tots. Something fried up, buttery, potatoey, wonderful, greasy, whatever. I drove to Burger King, realizing as I was pulling in that a vegetarian looking for food at a place with "burger" in its name was going to be shit out of luck. I was right, I pulled through and out, then back the other way towards an Arby's I passed. I ordered curly fries with ketchup. They were soo good, sooo greasy, and spiced to perfection. Worth $2 for a small...eh, if you've got two bucks.

Disgusted yet? I am. and it does not end there. After hitting the bottom of the carton of fries, I thought quick and decided my hunger was insatiable at that point. I went BACK to Mighty Taco, ordered ANOTHER fresco bean burrito, and devoured it, spilling sauce on my shirt and looking and feeling like a fucking slobby fat ass fuck.

The first urge to vomit hits in the parking lot. If I were smarter I would have just done it there, when the urge came. But I drove home, with bags of garbage in my car that were not there 20 minutes prior to my bunge excursion. I peed; I stuck my fingers down my throat, and hurled.

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What am I doing? I can't even do this right, wow, Marya could do it when she was 9 years old, I can't even make myself throw up, idiot.

I want it out I want it out I want it out/ breathe/ chug water/ tickle my throat, massage the coarse back of my tongue/ fail.

I hate this and I need it, I ate way too much, I need to get this out, try Try tRY harder. Jump up and down to make my stomach nauseous. Push my stomach in, puke, cringe at chunks in my teeth, do it again automatically, over and over, until it's over. I can't go on. I tell myself there is some out. Some is out. Not all, but maybe half a burrito. It's a small victory. My tummy looks smaller. I suck in, pretend my hips bones feel sharper, I am training myself to like the effects of this, what the hell is wrong with me?

I passed out, woke up, bought a blunt and smoked up with a friend. Now I am hunched over. I ate the two airheads. Still have the pineapple here but that would make a decent breakfast. I can't eat tonight. I could barely swallow that candy, it got stuck in my throat. I need sleep. I need water. I need to not feel this way. I keep burping and it smells like stomach acid and food, a gag worthy mixture..

This is a long one, please comment if you read this. I feel so terribly alone. I live alone. I am alone now, no one to hug. I may just head home for a few days. Either way, my lap top comes with. I can blog. It is interesting to recall this day. I need to learn from this. No food tonight, none, nothing. If I can wait until tomorrow I will feel better. I went on that crazy fast food binge around 2:30 p.m. It is 11:45. No food until tomorrow. Who's with me?