Foolishhhh.

It's been awhile. I'm listening to the Allman Brothers. So good. Work in a little over an hour. I went out last night. And the night before. Haha. First week of school is officially DONE. First weekend is just about done.

T. and I had plans Friday night to go check out the hockey game (our university team). He texted me Friday afternoon, "bad news." I decided to just call him, didn't feel like doing the texting waiting game. He told me he was going home for the weekend...

Ok. Fine. I said, "that works, I was going to call and cancel anyways" (a total lie).
We got off the phone and I felt tense. I cried to my neighbor for a minute or two. Then I smoked a cig, shared a bowl, watched a movie, and got over it.
I got so drunk Friday night that I mistakenly flirted with Tom (remember him, lol, drunken new years eve kiss dude). I invited him to come over after the bar and blurted out some bullshit about how I've been thinking of him.
Fuck. What was I thinking? Oh, that's right. I totally wasn't. I was missing T. like crazy and horny and bored and drunk and high.
We kissed.
Shit.
We hugged.
Shit.
He tried to hold my hand.
Um. Fuck no.
He said, "I like you."
Staring into my eyes.

I looked away.
Then I scowled and glared at him, how dare he be so nice? How can I be cold now? Make this easy for me dude. I am not attracted to him. Ok, I am, in the slightest way possible. In that weird way, where I want to look at him occasionally. Check him out a little. Not leer. Just study him. Observe him.
When did I turn into such a freak?

Needless to say, I saw Tom twice yesterday (saturday) as well. He came over to get his (supposedly forgotten) fleece zip up hoody. And I saw him downtown. Then he walked me home. Then fuck! I just remembered this! We kissed again. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I was going to write about T. We talked on the phone both nights. He told me he was torn about us, because he felt that he would hold me and Tom's (initial, but he doesn't know that) kiss against me. Which he apparently does not want to do. But I am fucking up anyyyy chance. Wow. What the HELL am I doing? I'm sorry for the cursing...but wow, I have been acting extremely foolish.

I shouldn't be allowed to drink.

So vulnerable.

It's 6:26 in the morning and I'm fucking AGITATED.
I can't take this game with T. anymore. I fuckingcan't. It's making me sick and sad. I know he just got back saturday. I know I need patience. I am crying right now. It is so early and I'm crying over heartbreak.

Another long day ahead. God you guys, I can't get him out of my head. It's driving me CRAZY. I can't seem to push these nasty thoughts aside to focus on myself. i NEED to.

Helphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelp.

Help me.

I have really put myself out there. Now I wait. Now I feel fucking sick. I don't want to wait. Any guy readers? Anyone with knowledge about men? Is it true that they either like you or they don't? Is it true that T.'s feelings may never increase for me? Am I forever stuck in "friend-zone"?

I feel horrible. I have class at eight, and a tiny amount of pot. I may smoke the rest in a bowl. Might as well go a little baked. Better yet, I think I should I start leaving my phone at home or something. I can't even tell you  how many times a day I check it, hoping against hope for something from T.

I HATE THIS I HATE HIM I HATE ME I HATE THE WORLD

I'll show him. Come spring time, when skin will be revealed more often, I will look amazing. My body will be slamming! It's ok now, but I will lose tons of weight and he will want to just touch me and hug me and won't be able to, because I'll be untouchable.

I lit incense, it tickles my eyes and nose. The smell of cat shit is unbearable right after he goes in his box. I hate that about having a cat, it's so gross, disgusting, horrific, vile, sour, nasty, etc. I am so fucking lazy about cleaning it though, don't get me wrong, I do it every few days, I have to. But you're technically supposed to do it every day. I guess I can add bad "mom" to the list of qualities about me that make me want to slice my neck open and bleed out on the blue carpet of my living room.
But I won't.
So I can't.

smoke.toke.puff.

My daily tarot: The Eight of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in space. I am true to myself and will only regret the chances I don't take to seek or follow my hearts desire. I turn away from or make a clean sweep of that which does not honor or sustain my passion and love, and in this, I am not afraid to be alone. I am empowered to move forward or make space and my gift is letting go.


Why is this ringing so true today? "I am not afraid to be alone". I like that. I am. But I can learn not to be, maybe. Right now I crave affection, touch, love, lust, hope, faith. I want to love someone. I think I'd be good at it. I want someone to love me so much.


Yesterday was good in terms of calories. Today will be good, as well.
Take care.

Masterfade.

A quick note before I go to work. It feels necessary, writing can be a relief. A dam in the flowing river of thought streaming past my eyes and rushing through my brain.

I've been having trouble spelling lately. It used to come so naturally, I was always a great speller and decent with grammar. Now I go too fast, then my eyes look back at the just-written or just-typed words and I have to go fix them. Annoying and time consuming. That squiggly red line irks me. Maybe I should slow it down.

I have heard nothing from T. except for the most random text around midnight that said simply "night!".
Um.
Ok.
Nothing for ten hours before that. Not that I was counting : /

Sometimes these creepy jealous thoughts come barging in my head, pushing anything good aside and flooding my senses with darkness and despair. It's horrible, and I noticed it last night. I just noticed it, and the way it affected me and my body. I had to work hard to push them aside. It was distracting. I was sitting there trying to read about aesthetics and the philosophy of art...interesting stuff, and these thoughts, were containing me in the worst way. I could feel it.


Ok, gotta go. Work. shit. I'm high. Again.
And I'm not contacting T. at all. Fuck it. I can't let the darkness take over. It might be coming from my intense feelings about him. I need to do a masterfade.

Love you all. Thanks so much for commenting.

Think thin!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yeah, all I've had is a 110 calorie oatmeal packet! Nothing at work! Nothing here to eat once I'm home, and bed early cuz I have class super early. It's a plan!!!!!

<3

NOT chipper. Chopper.

I think I just need to write. I am an emotional mess today. When I have nightmares that tends to be the case.

I am listening to Fiona Apple.
I ate a lot of food today.
School is going.
I am alone.

T. is frustrating me. I don't think he means to, it is just happening because (again) I have managed to construct crazy expectations and they are not being met. Not at all. I can't even meet my own personal expectations. I expect so much from myself and everyone else and I don't get why. No one died and made me Queen. I don't do anything wonderful. I am just a liver. I live. And death will come soon enough.

I have the weird habit of talking about death all the time, to anyone.
I am honestly in a pissed off mood.
I am sick of this world and all the bullshit in it.
I am tired of having disturbing nightmares.

I hate walking through campus feeling old. What a weird thing to waste my days worrying about. I am 23. I just feel like I should be done by now. But I'm not! Constant conflicts in my head. Tugging in my chest. My college advisor suggesting dropping out. Sucks to realize I have no support at school or even in this town. I have no real friends, that's how I feel. Just people I know.

I'm low, right now. Real low. I want to be high. I want to be light.
Intense restriction tomorrow.
Today got a little out of hand. I must make up for it tomorrow.


Ugh! I just want to cry, but I couldn't squeeze out a tear if I tried. And I did, earlier. Right now I crave cigarettes and a blank mind. I wish to escape. I want to forget it all.

Think thin.

Speaking of which, the obesity problem in this country is terrifying. I am really grossed out by the fatties I see. Call me a bitch, I don't care. I'm sorry, but if you don't notice an extra 50-100 pounds creeping up, around your middle than you are delusional and I don't like you.

Tangled words.

Forming words takes too much concentration. Incomplete thoughts and half-hearted proclamations rule my life. I feel weird. I feel dead. Sometimes I am a hermit. Not last night, no, last night I hung with my friend and then went to the bar and eventually met up and hung out with T. It was nice. We flirted and he was sort of touchy-feely. He texted me after we went our separate ways saying, "I miss you..you should know". I said "I already know and I've missed you too".

Then I went to sleep.

Then I woke up. Hungover. Ate some food, not too much. Smoked with my neighbor.Now I am sitting here. Dead. School is tomorrow. I am not mentally prepared. I am dependent on smoking weed. I have to work in an hour and a half. Until midnight. Then school in the morning. I'm scared.

My throat hurts from the cigarette I just inhaled. I am tired and caffeine-free. I am feelin' a little crazy, last night was pretty surreal. My life is one perpetual yesterday, last night, last minute. I confuse my dreams with realities. I am the walrus.

I have nothing to say but everything to say. I smell smoke. It lingers in the still air, even though my window is cracked. School tomorrow. Shit.shit.shit! I wish I knew what to do with myself.

I can't think. I can feel. I feel strange.

Ever listen to "Beast or burden" by the Rolling Stones? Good stuff.

I need to be undead.


I am so incredibly frustrated right now. Last night T. mentioned on 3 separate occasions us hanging out today before I went to work. I got super excited like a typical girl and envisioned good times. It didn't happen. He slept super late and was lazily texting me like I had all afternoon to chill. I like planning things. So we just got off the phone and he's like "I need to get food and cigarettes" so I'm like "I'll just chill here then, next time you say you want to hang out let's actually hang" (BIG mistake). He started to retort something (we've been here before) but then seemingly swallowed it said "ok, just ok".

So maybe tonight.

What should I wear to my first day of classes? It's supposed to rain so I'm thinking jeans and boots and a sweater, lol, how original. We'll freakin see. Have I mentioned I'm nervous about classes???

Ok, sorry for the boring entry. Just kinda sitting here thinking and not thinking, typing some shit, then erasing it, then I don't know. I'm just floating.

BLoOdy right !

It's noon and I'm smoking. I work at one-fifteen. Tonight I will see T. for one hour at work, I'll be seeing him for the first time in two weeks.
We have been texting everyday. A decent amount, especially in recent days. We've been sending pictures to each other, as well. Every time he texts me my heart jumps and lights up with glee. It could be a one word text, which it rarely is, and I still am thrilled that he took 20 seconds out of his day to text me. To think of me. Every time he send me a pic of his gorgeous self I immediately save it, and zoom in on his eyes, lol.

I am giddy at some moments, but will remain extremely cautious. If he thinks were jumping back into bed than he's crazy. I say this because there is a lot of sexual innuendo. From both of us, to be fair.
I have no clue what it will be like to be around him at work, alone, just the two of us. Only one hour. Then I leave. He stays. I have no plans for this evening and am really just hoping he says something to me before I leave work later, like "hey Sar want to hang out tonight?". Yeah, I would be real happy.

I am allowing myself a few more minutes to smoke and finish my tea and blog.
Then I will start getting ready super early. I have to be looking good (as good as I can look at work) (which isn't that good ha) because I want T. to notice me. I mean, notice. I have hope. But hope dangles. And hope fades real quick when things go the opposite way you'd like/expect them too. Which I am praying doesn't happen. I like him. I want us to keep being friends and texting, I've had many laughs these days because of him. I want him to liiiike me. You know. We'll see.

Nothing to eat today, obviously. I binged a little late last night, I should have just went to bed. Jelly beans *blushes* I know, I know, candy, what the fuck. But they were cheap and I really just wanted them so badly.

Think thin today.
I will be!

xo

Oh World, do you deny me?

Oh you guys.

Ever feel such inner turmoil with no way to express it? Ever feel like your soul is trying to leap out of your body? Ever feel like jumping out your window, or pouring boiling water on your hands, or slicing a thick line across your stomach? I do. Right now. I. am. so. frustrated.

My student loan stuff is apparently ALL FUCKED UP. School starts monday. What the fuck. I am screwed. Today is my last day off, I work all weekend then start school, and I have already been crying, hitting the wall, swearing at God and whoever can hear, wasting my precious phone minutes ON HOLD. UGH!!!!!

Today was supposed to be a good day!!!!!

I was going to get a haircut, and chill/clean.

Now I am stressing hardcore. Pacing around. Tearing at my hair. Lookin' blotchy-faced and miserable.

OH SCHOOL HOW YOU ARE KILLING ME SLOWLY.

Alright. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It will be okay.

How can I even convince myself? I know deep down that I just want to say FUCK IT!

I HATE college. I LOATHE this country's education system. I hate schoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschool.

Too bad hating school won't make it go away.

Goddammit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need a change of focus. I will smoke and get back to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A long time ago I was different. I cared. I wanted to do well. I wanted a better life.

Something clicked, or changed. I have become bitter and feel entitled and when bad things happen I freak out (usually). That is not even my biggest problem. I don't know what is. It could be this whole food thing. It's really getting to me. My parents are starting to notice. I went home for the day yesterday and our conversation centered around food a majority of the time. My hate for preservatives and my dad talking about grass-fed vs. grain-fed cows. He hates that I don't eat meat and chooses to bring it up every time he sees me. Like if I reach for something that obviously is meat-free, he'll be like "oh don't eat that, there's hamburger in that". I used to be like, "ew!" but now I just roll my eyes and either ignore him (which is hard) or say "no, there's not. (do I look like an idiot to you?)".

My mood has shifted entirely. I am denying myself food. Ha.

Yesterday's calorie intake was great: 740. Yeah!

So around one this morning I had some food...a (100 cal) veggie burger w/ mustard and spinach {no bun}, 2 rice cakes w/ some natural pb (only one ingredient: peanuts) and a 1/2 teaspoon of grape jelly, a 50 cal fiber one yogurt, mandarin oranges, and this walnut/almond nut mix.

So that was technically "last night" right? But OH WELL. I counted it all and so far TODAY I've had 634 calories.

I have been up four hours now.

 Time to get moving.

  No food.

    I just had some tea.

     Before I go get my haircut I'll have a little orange juice.

I'll stay under 900 today. Watch me.

think thin.

<3 Sar

and no, I'm not okay. but I am going to make the best of this day.

empty IS strong.

I want to get higher. I dropped $25 yesterday on this green and I'm sitting her smoking it and just want to smoke and smoke until I'm high in the sky. I want to fly.

I love to sing. Did you know that? I sing everyday, out loud. To my cat and myself but never the mirror. I sound terrible, mostly. Every once in a great while I will use a softer voice and sound slightly rhythmic. My singing voice is harsh and I wish I could control it better. Story of my life, I wish to control it all.

I have been eating better yesterday and today. I don't understand my body shape. My bones poke through my skin and it hurts, only in certain places though. My rib bones hurt me! Wtf? Is this normal? Here is the weird thing, I am not bony. My stomach protrudes and I am flabby. I don't get it, like today I was happy to feel the pain of the bone poke, but also sort of freaked out. Any clue, world?

I think about cutting constantly. I long to trace a knife along my fragile pale skin and draw red blood. I won't because I am far too vein for scars. But I want to. And I think about it. Every time something goes wrong, or I feel emotional, or sad, mad, broke or threatened. I wish for the pain. I wish for the blood.

I just stood up, not too fast, just regularly, to look in the mirror (mirror-check, body-check, etc.). I had to stop, stand still, and close my heated eyes. Hot blood rushed to my head. Whoa.

I've had 950 calories today. Give or take a few, in light of the news that labels are usually wrong (thanks Africana). I know my body needs about 1200 to "run properly"/for "organ efficiency"/to prevent "starvation mode". . . fuck that shit it's for the birds.

From now on 1000 calories a less, every day. If I go over once or twice than I accept it and move on. No point stressing and increasing cortisol (ie.body fat). I will lose.
Isn't that funny? I'll bet most would want to say, "I will win".

I guess with me it's both, I want both. I want/need/will lose weight. I will win the war I am declaring on fatty, PRESERVATIVE-FILLED junk food.

Fruit and veggies for me, please. Luckily I like them : ) I was eating raw spinach out of the bag!

I am procrastinating insanely.
I need to write a paper, due February 1st. This damn paper has been intimidating me for months. Since the first day of class last semester when I read my syllabus and realized I'd be writing a 10 page paper, on Metaphysics, which is hard as fuck!!

Damnit I just need to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What is wrong with me, I am just sitting here like life is fine, no big worries on the horizon. You'd think I would be concerned just a little with graduation!!!!!!! Like, do I want to graduate from college this year or stay another fucking semester? Heyyyyloooo Sar?

I have ADd.
Feels like it, anyways,

I am so light-headed.

I start a lot of sentences with "I". It's allll about me. Welcome to my blog. I wonder if I am this self-centered in public? I definitely have a tendency to ramble when I have someone's attention for a few minutes. Ugh.


I need a haircut, badly. I have been trying to grow my hair out since I chopped 9 inches off two years ago (!). It is so bad right now though, longish & wavy. I can style it cute, but like now, for example...it looks like crap.


I guess you can say I went from feeling high and poetic to down on myself in the span of this blog post.

Where do I go from here?

Think thin.
<3 Empty is strong.

Old flames reappear once in awhile.

I am so incredibly touched, thank you so much for the sweet and supportive comments. Coming home from work to see not one but five! comments was truly a good feeling.

Then I talked to ex-bf B. on the phone for about an hour. That was unexpected. We were together on and off in 2008 and the first 2 months of 2009. When we parted ways we cut off communication entirely. We are just now (after almost one year) able to be friendly and not resentful. He lives about an hour away.

I think I'm going to go there. In an hour. Haha.

I am all over the place. I am totally into T. still but kind of want to have some fun. I am not saying we will mess around. No, it's not like that. We will just smoke, and talk, and maybe watch some sports (his pick) or a movie/American Idol (my pick). Lame? Maybe, but I feel at ease when I talk to him. He makes me laugh and feel slightly better about life. It is a quality I've always liked in him, I just never truly appreciated it. We are a little older now. A tad (?) wiser. And maybe now we can be friends.

Anyways. Last night was a disaster, I ate and ate. I am feeling quite bloated. I always think, "it's healthy stuff," but that is bullshit. It is stuff ... it is disgusting stuff.

At work I had a few coffees (black, obviously *0* cal) and was moving around a lot, training. It went well. The girl was short and average-sized I guess. Slightly bigger waist than mine. But I'm a bad judge, so don't take my word for it.
Who am I kidding? I felt quite large; I am about a foot taller than her. Oh well. Whatever. Just have to do it again tomorrow.
I am fasting.
No food yet.
No food at all.
I hate food.
Eating makes me feel worse than not eating.

I've got about $100 US in my bank. I am a broke ass. Wanting to buy more pot. What the fuck is wrong with me. I just smoked and now I feel like my spine is dripping down into my ass and I am slowly sinking with it.

empty is strong [<==I love this]

I am now unsure about going to B.'s. What if it's weird? Well I never got anywhere by not going...anywhere. Ok. I will go. Only because being gone for this span of time will be good for the fast. Being around people is a food deterrent, at least for me.

Thanks again for the support. Reading those comments was like a breath of fresh air!

think thin.

xoSar

Quickly now.

I need your support more than ever. Please.

I have been binging my face off. I don't know what my deal is. I can think about "why" all I want, but it changes nothing. I am uncomfortably full right now. It is 6:30 in the morning. I am still full from last night. I hate that! Because in a few hours (@work) I will feel the beginnings of hunger. But you know I will not indulge.

I am so beyond disgusted with myself and my body right now. I was doing so good!!!
It seems like we are all struggling right now and I am sad that the new year has so far not brought me strength. I fucking need it.

I have to work at 7:15. Sigh. I do not want to go. I have barely slept at all. I have to train someone too, some girl. My only hope is that she is thin. I need all the thinspo I can get.

I am starting a fast. I have to. I have no choice here. Please please leave support, readers, I am not doing so well : (

Think thin lovelies...

xo~Sar

Ever binge? Check this out.

Confessions of a Borderline Binge Eater: Nip Your Next Binge in the Bud

I recommend this article ^ if you've ever binged. It is really giving me things to think about..

Think thin.

xo

Hip-poker!

It's 3:57 A.M. and I am doing good. I washed a huge-ass pile of dishes, cleaned the kitty's litter space, wiped out the microwave, cleaned the toilet, cleaned both sinks. I then danced for about ten minutes to the Beatles. I am wearing panties and a tank top. I still feel fat, oh yes, but at least somewhat accomplished.

The energy surge struck at quarter to two; I was simultaneously texting T.

This goodness happened after a mini-breakdown on my part. I was so tense, so lost, so, "I have absolutely no clue what to do next," just out of it, overwhelmed. Looking all around and seeing everything but knowing nothing. No clue what move to make, what direction to head in, whether to sit or stand or jog in place or take out the garbage or go to sleep or smoke more weed or scream out loud or call someone.

I started talking to my cat out of sheer frustration and the need to get some of these built-up words out of my mouth. I had tears in my eyes, it was almost like I was talking to God, but just to the air around me; my cat happened to be close by. He then (the cat) dove at my fingers, making me giggle and forget about my sorrow momentarily. Then T. texted me. And life went on.

I am here now to say that I am NOT ever going to give this up. I will never be able to live the life of a fat person, it's not happening. If I am stressing this much now, at 134 (this evenings weigh-in), then what the hell would happen if I gained ten, twenty pounds someday? Wow, the thought is ghastly and it made me cringe just now. It won't happen. Never. I will never be able to get past the weight of 138. That is my highest weight for a reason. I will never get there or over that. Never. That is my promise. I will get thinner than this though.

I will restrict. I will not binge ever. I will remember that I am merely eating to live. Food is nothing, food is everywhere and there will never be a food shortage. I do not need it. It is produced in icky places with inhumane conditions and hormone-injected animals take the heat for ALL OF US. I will be vegetarian for life and hopefully vegan when I can hack it.

I am losing my train of thought. I just zoned out, thinking about candy. See, that is my problem. These ideas get in my head and my addictive self leaches on to them. I crave what I think about constantly. I can push these horrific images aside, however...when I envision my soon-to-be sexier body, wearing mini-dresses & skirts & shorts, looking bangin'! This thought, this ideal makes the taste in my mouth for food turn to poison. I spit on food. Fuck it.

I'm going to go smoke a cigarette. My metabolism is already up from cleaning and moving around, might as well boost it a little more before bed. That way I'll (hopefully) burn twice the calories in my sleep.

Think thin.

<3

Successful Shopping Take One.

Ok, hi,

First: With clothes & slippers I am 135. Without anything on I am 132. That doesn't seem right. Can clothes really add up to 3 pounds on you?? Strange... either way. I am holding steady in the low 130's and need to BREAK IT down to 120's!!! I suppose 133 is my "happy weight" according to Glamour and the like, but ya know what? I am certainly not happy at this weight! Wtf is a happy weight anyways? Lazy weight? The weight I can be without trying? Well that is not good enough.

I just went shopping. I bought healthy things, here are some: whole wheat pita pockets (6 pack), cucumber, tomatoes, a sweet potato, hummus, baby carrots, veggie burgers (4 pack), green tea, gum, brown rice, frozen cauliflower/broccoli mix, shredded cheese (bad, but good on top of broccoli), bag of apples, rice cakes. That's it, actually. I got good stuff, right!?

I WILL be thinner for the first day back to school (the 25th), and then I will MAINTAIN & CONTINUE TO LOSE UNTIL I AM HAPPY.

I've got 9 days. I think I can lose 3 pounds in 9 days. I would like to be 129/130.

Then I can breathe.

And keep going.

and going.

and then...?

I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

I am not happy with my body and I refuse to let it be. I need to change it. I need to. I need to. I need to. I will. I will. I WILL!!!!!!

If there's a will, there's a way.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

I have let myself go the past few weeks. Understandable I suppose, I was rejected. That has got to take a toll on a girl's ego.

All I know is this. Once school starts I will be taking yoga & self defense, most likely in rooms lined with mirrors. I WILL NOT be so embarrassed over my reflection that I hover in the corner or drop the classes. I WILL NOT be tubby. I WILL BE the thinnest, boniest girl in the room. I WILL BE.

Lots of love to you all. Keep writing. It's the only support I seemingly have. Let's keep this community strong!

xo

Think thin.

Thin Inspiration.

Let's compare, shall we..

In this next picture...who looks better?

The skinnier chick, obviously. They are both pretty, but their bodies speak for themselves. Skinny says control, ambition, talent. Fat says "I'd rather eat this double cheeseburger than care about my body" aka lazy/utilitarian/thoughtless. Maybe I'm biased. But damn. This picture is striking and I absolutely think the first girl is way hotter. It is a simple truism that humans are attracted to fit bodies. I want to be on the receiving end!!

I have to say though, after looking again, these girls definitely look digitally altered:

Think Thin*

When I wake up.

Shannyn Sossamon. So beautiful.

I have been going over my calorie limit every day for weeks. This year, this decade, is off to a shady start. I am hiding from myself. I am eating way too much. I have not gained, per se, but I have certainly not lost. This needs to change.

I need some willpower!!!!!

Where did my desire to feel true hunger go?

Now I am just hungry all.the.time. It is a hunger that is never relieved, and yet, I keep trying to. Relieve it, that is. It is a hunger for more than food. I crave touch, human contact, love, lust, infatuation, all that good stuff. Like stuffing my face every day is going to help my chances.

I swear. The only times I feel are inappropriate!!! I flirt (very, very, slightly) with my married, recently had a baby, coworker. I can't help myself. He is religious and complex and MARRIED AND OK YEAH MARRIED, WITH A BABY. Why the fuck am I even bringing him up?

Let's just say that I am unethical with my thoughts...sorry you have to witness this. I think he is a great guy. Obviously out of the question..but he is nice and tall and the type I would eventually like to settle down with. He is just an EXAMPLE.

In other news, T. and I are friends. Whoopee!!!! We text a bit. I "liked" his status on facebook and no alarms went off. I am dying to get in his pants AHEM I mean give things another try.

fuck.

When did the want to get laid overcome my need to establish a solid friend base? Oh, yeah...it's been like a month since I have had lovin'. I WANT and NEED it.

I am biding my time, waiting for school to start, waiting for warmer weather, waiting for friends...waiting to come into my own, waiting to grow up, waiting to get THIN, waiting to be normal.

I need to do more thinspo searches.

I need to NOT devour 3 servings of Whoppers (the candy, my god, not the cheeseburger..but still fattening and disgusting). I need to NOT justify eating all of this food in my head. There is NO justification. There is NO starvation. There is just...what? How about restriction? Sounds good to me.

Stick Thin...you are right. There is no point comparing. I guess I just am curious where other people with similar measurements stood. Why? Idk. To feel better? Well it didn't help.

I am a fat ass.

Time to go get stoned with Tom.

Some things never change.

Lots of love to you all, especially the wonderful people that comment!!! Lovelovelove you!

BE SKINNY.

Think thin today!

xo

Inches & comparisons?

Today: sliced apple with laughing cow cheese wedge..about 100 calories. 4 rice cakes...200 calories. Right now I am sipping tea (o cal) & it's noon. I want to fast for the rest of today. At work (at one) it will be super easy to not eat/crave little packets of crackers because I am working with my manager. *sigh of relief*...so then I will be outta there at 7:15 having subsisted on 300 calories today. Next? Stop home, grab magazine, walk to the library, walk back. Right there will be my spurt of "exercise": stair climbing & walking. Hey, better than nothing.

After that? Well I made a list. I've got a ton of shit to do.

I refuse to sit here wasting my life away wallowing in depression while others are out there making moves. Like T, for example. He is in his hometown being a substitute teacher today. What am I doing? Got stoned at 10:30 in the morning. Blogging about my attempts to not eat today. Thinking a lot.

I took measurements yesterday. I don't know if I did it correctly, but I seem to have lost inches since last summer (well I'd hope so!!!). I am currently: hips-35 inches. bust- 35 1/2 inches. waist-29 3/4 inches. thigh-21 inches.

How is that?????

I am 5'8. I weigh about 132...how does everyone compare??

Please let me know ladies!

I want to keep losing. It is time to step up the game. I know that when I start working out I will lose weight quicker. Time to start jogging again. It does feel good...it is just the motivation part. I could do it in place (here, less embarrassment, no intense winter elements) or go to the gym & use the treadmill. Just gotta do it.

If I can't be with T. and be happy. Then I will be happy and skinny by myself. That's it. If I can apply more discipline to ME than it will surely fall into place in other aspects of my life. I HOPE.

Ok. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

I will STAY STRONG. I will STAY STRONG. I will STAY STRONG.

I will BE THIN. I will NOT BINGE. I will BE THIN. I will NOT BINGE. I will BE THIN.

*Think thin today*

Don't tell him I've gone crazy ..

I'm still strung out over you.

"The Truth" by Jason Aldean.

Such a good song.

I am here. It is another day. I do NOTHING productive. I smoke. eat. sleep.

This is my life now.

How the FUCK can I change?

How can I find purpose???

Ok Step 1. Get HELP!!! - - I just called my school's counseling center & made an appointment for tomorrow morning.

The obstacle? Waking up and going. I need to though. I need to talk to someone.

I have gone a little stir-crazy. I need people and physical contact but I can't seem to reach out. I can't seem to answer the phone. I only think of T, and wish I was in his arms. Ohgod, still hurts. We are "friends". Yay.

I don't even know what to write about. I am inclined to just complain, but that's boring.

How can I get past this feeling of missed opportunity? If there is anything I am sure of now, it is that T. and I belong together. I feel like we didn't even get the chance. It started so quick, then school ended, then we ended.

UN-FUCKING-FAIR, WORLD.

Today, the Eighth.

No comments, no phone calls, no friends, no lover: the definition of my hated life.

The pain, it coils like a snake in me, suffocating my bones & blood. It squeezes my heart and forces acid up my esophagus. It is killing me, one molecule at a time.

I stayed up until 6 in the morning. I rearranged my furniture; I vacuumed; I sang; I gazed at my reflection, horrified, in the full-length mirror. I am a sad fat fuck.

I have gained for sure. That is what eating with abandon will do to me. I won't share the disgusting details, just know that I have been bingin' like I've been breathin'...24/7.

Sigh. At least I am hungry now. There is no way in hell that I will eat anything more today. It is 7 pm. I am going to Toms at 9. We will be drinking. Drinking on this empty stomach is a good idea, I will get drunker off less...therefore less calories ingested.

I hate what I look like right now. Here is me: tall (5'8). wavy brown hair with side bangs. Pale. Not skinny. More like slightly curvy. Thin eye brows. Staring, faraway eyes.

Well, enough of that anyways, don't wanna give myself away.

I just need some style.

I just need some grace.

*********************************************************

Talked to T. on the phone for the first time in quite awhile. It was emotional. He was harsh. He hacked away at me with a chainsaw with his words. He basically despises my personality. He hated on my lack of self-esteem. He mentioned an incident from months ago, where I asked him if he liked a female friend (who has a bf)..and he told me no. & we got over it...or so I thought!! He is clearly the type who holds onto anything and everything for ammunition in a fight.

I don't even know what to say about it. Just that I am stressed and feeling slightly beat up and one-hundred percent rejected.

Why oh why.

Why did I kiss Tom? Why didn't I push him back? I could have just pushed him back and said "no, I'm seeing T." and that would have been that. We could have continued with our night. T. and I could still be talking. Or would we be? We were bickering a lot in the past weeks and he brought that up too. I don't know where we'd be. But I have to freakin' understand that

The past is passed. I can't change it. I can't go back.

Back to my question, why did I kiss Tom? Was I feeling him? Was I thinkin' about his lips, and what it would be like to kiss them? Doubt it. I think I was just drunk. But wait, I can't blame it on the alcohol. I need a reason.

I can't find one. I can't admit to myself what my subconscious is keeping back. It's impossible. I need to reach in, dig around, pick & choose. I need to clear my mind & stop smoking so much.

It's time to get ready, I suppose. I am (admittedly) nervous. I want to be upfront with him. We are just friends. So why does it feel like it's going to be hard??? I am so confused!!!!

Do I like him? No. It's way too early to tell....right?!? I just liked T. I still like T. But T. doesn't like me. So my efforts to get him to like me back are futile. It's USELESS. I don't know what to do anymore! I can't just live free and be me. I am always trying to change.

Breathe. In. Out.

I swear I am going to have a heart attack one of these days. I get so tense & my heart starts beating like boxer & I just want to cry out or scream but there is this feeling lodged in my throat & it won't budge!

Enough about me. How are you?

Did you know that having sex twice a week adds 5 years to your life?

Just throwing it out there.

Think thin. Be You. xo

Sovay. AB.

So much going on. I have ZERO energy to function. I can't seem to find the time for the simple things. Here are numbered updates, the only way my tired brain can work right now.

1. Brought my kitty to the vet, he has conjunctivitis. Basically pinkeye for cats. Can be caused by them scratching their eye (best case scenario) or the herpes virus (worst case..no cure).

I have to squeeze this gunk in his eye from a tube twice a day. HE HATES IT. I struggle and cry with him. Sometimes he rules me- him, and every other male in my life.

I can't even imagine having a child if having a pet is anything like having a child. Lol. Ok. Most likely not. But damn, it is hard to guess what they want and why they do what they do and how much to feed them and how loud to yell, etc.

2. I've figured out that I suffer from "abandonment" issues. I was emotionally abandoned by my father. It has been affecting me for awhile, but now at the age of 23 I have a name for it.

3. I can't sleep anymore. The past 7 or so nights have been me waking up every 3 hours, like clockwork. I pick up my cell phone, see that there are no texts, and get up to use the bathroom. I have been chugging a ton of water. It makes me pee during the night. I hate it. But I crave the hydration. I just want to lay down and be comfortable and sleep for 8 straight hours. Preferably cuddled up to T.

4. Oh T. Oh T. Oh T. Oh T.

I miss him. I keep crying. I'm way down in the depths of depression, I feel it. I have to ride it out. I can't go under. I have to keep going, I need to stay alive. I need to breathe. I need to be ok.

But it hurts. I keep fighting with myself: "mourn" him, give him some space, don't see anyone, try and get him back. Or. Push him out of my head, give him some space, don't see anyone, DON'T try and get him back, let fate intervene.

I guess I will do a combination of both.

so!

5. Where does this leave Tom? fuckshitdamn- I don't even know. He is now morphing into this person I can text and get an instantaneous response. He is now almost a trusted confidante. I went there two nights ago. He asked me to chill awhile. We smoked a lot of weed and talked. That's it. When it was time to leave, I was bundling up (scarf, hat, gloves, boots .. lol stupid snow) and he stood up.

How gentleman-like.

But I was so afraid he would try to kiss me I ran out of there. "Take care!" and I book it.

Him and I have already been texting today. He asked me to come over friday, he'll get some wine, we can drink and smoke and "tell stories". omgomgomgomgomgomg I can't do this again, though. Doesn't he see that? I mean, yeah, that sounds like fun! My kind of fun!!

A date though??? No, it's not a date.

Well, here's the thing: after he texted me that, I texted him back this:

"Are we hanging just as friends? Can you promise to not make a move/kiss me?"

and he said, "Well I can promise I won't try to have sex with you or anything..now my lips have a mind of their own, so I can't speak for them at the end of the night."

what. the. fuck. tom.

That was almost a half hour ago. I have not responded. I don't need this. I don't want this pressure. I don't even know if him and T. are cool with each other. I am afraid to ask either of them.

I am a mess. (Obv)

I think I need help. I might make an appointment at my school's counseling center. I need to talk to someone, get this all out in the air.

I hate myself.

Here's yet another reason why:

I binged last night : /

I ordered a veggie calzone from the local pizzeria.

Ugh. and ate the whole thing. I am such a fat cow. I was so alone, and craving cheesy-bread like I do when I'm sad and about to start my period. (Which better fucking come, if it doesn't...well I won't go there. Let's just say T. and I never used a condom)..

So all together yesterday I consumed like 2800 calories. Holy fuck I'm in hell. It was mostly from granola. I love that stuff, why is it so caloric?? All I know is from midnight to midnight I ate 2800 fucking calories. This is why I can't be alone. I need someone in my life. I have no one. When I like a guy it makes me feel better about myself, like I have a reason to take care of myself because somebody is seeing me and my body.

I am pathetic. I am all over the place. This is all just stuff going on in my life. It's lame. I'm lame. I am fasting today. 3 in the afternoon and nothing yet. Just water. I need to flush out those fucking calories. Oh, and I took 1 laxative and 1 midol. Just to reduce bloat.

I hate pills yet I love them. I hate food yet I live to binge, these days anyways. I hate men yet I crave their company and touch. I hate myself yet I won't do anything to change me.

I have no idea what to say to Tom. So nothing, I guess. All I want to do is call T. I won't though. So plan B? Going to walmart for cat litter. and I think I'll get some wine. Oh wait, shit, no money.

I am scared of myself.

What an awful feeling.

oh Monday.

Hello. First, thank you kindly for your amazing comments. It does more good than you know. It is a spark in the dark cave my spirit resides in, a spark of flame, a growing light. Maybe I can sleep tonight.

I was called into work today. I knew T. was working tonight so I went in (plus I need the cash). I saw him briefly at the end of my shift, he looked sad. He could barely look at me. He was polite. There are so many unsaid words. Work is not the place to express them. He looked sad, did I say that already? Did I cause this pain? How can I make him smile? I can't anymore.
No tears in my eyes when our bodies were only feet away, just this awful pain in my heart.

My chest is still aching. I have been smoking nonstop, trying to numb myself, my feelings. Trying to slow down my actions.

I figured out why Tom and I kissed: I was craving a connection. He was there, T. was not. It's as simple as that. There was nothing stopping me. So I closed my eyes and jumped.
I made my decision to fuck up what trust T. had for me and now all I can do is learn to trust myself. That is what my mom said. She advised me to learn how to trust myself.

I can't.

I don't know how.

I can't trust myself around:
food
weed
cigarettes
men (apparently)

I can't even trust myself to take care of schoolwork.

Hell, I forget to water my plants. I forget how many times a day I feed my cat. 3? 4?

I have a lot of work to do.

Keeping with the theme, I texted Tom & asked if I could stop by tonight. He said yes. I am going there in 45 minutes. This is for green, but I am so nervous. I don't know how to act. I guess I have 45 minutes to figure out myself and act like her so maybe I have the chance of at least being this dude's friend. I don't want to lose anymore. I know, I will think of some topics of conversation. One time we started talking about cells, and cancer, and other scientific things. My mind was obviously blown but I was stoned so oh well.

I am all over the place. I love you readers though! Blogging is great.

Time to stand up and figure out what to wear. I am thinking this is going to be a short visit. I am listening to the Grateful Dead right now. fuck yeah man.

Peace.
Think THIN!!!!!

Pain Pulsing Through My Veins.

It's over. T. & I are done. It's official.
I'm not going to lie, I am heartbroken. I sobbed on the phone & off. Mostly I am just so ashamed of my behavior. I don't even recognize myself. I haven't for awhile. I just live, like a sinner. I need to find a new focus. I may try religion. I may try...what? I don't know. But I keep pushing people away and it's not healthy. I am so alone.

My temples throb. I am hungry but I don't want to eat. It is a freakin' blizzard outside, luckily. So no temptation whatsoever to go brush the snow off of my car and travel somewhere fast food-ish to binge. One good thing, I suppose.
T. wouldn't even see me -- we just spoke for about 30 minutes on the phone. He seemed apologetic, to his credit, but I can't think clearly about what I want right now.
This has been coming for awhile, but ohmygod it hurts and it sucks.

One thing I said to him was how I just could not believe that I had only met him a few months ago and liked him so much and so fast and now it's over on account of me fucking up. (Something along those lines)

And it's true. I can't believe it.
He ran through my life like a marathon sprinter.
In and out.

All I can do is sigh, "god" .. I don't know what to do with myself. I smoked and am now contemplating the beer in my fridge. It's a 22 oz, so lots of calories...probably not worth it, considering I don't even like beer, but a little buzz may do me some good. I have a headache from my screaming and tears once I clicked end on my cell. He does not and will not ever know the extent of my pain right now.
I was crying for myself, it's like I am dead. Walking zombie. No shadow, no smile.

Think thin, you guys. Sometimes it's all you have left. Might as well look good. Might as be pleasing to other's eyes, then they might give ya some polite chitchat while staring at your rack, but hey, any attention is good right?

I feel sick. I have been having reallyy strange stomach pains. I am already thinking the worst. Sorry this is all so depressing. I guess it's just me.

A Weird Life.

I read back several entries just now; I have been dealing with this T. bs for a few weeks. I have to ask myself why.
When did it change for me?
Instead of him being this awesome guy I was spending time with, I suddenly craved possession. I desired to call him my own, I didn't want anyone to leap in and take him, I basically wanted to control him. This is a huge problem. I can't do that. It ruined everything.

It is late and he is officially giving me the silent treatment. I texted him asking to stop by after work. Got no response. Then another cutesy-like please T.? (I call him T. sometimes, instead of his full name). Nothing. Then I called. No answer. Then I text him again (this is over a time period of 1 1/2 hours) saying like so no then? you won't talk to me or see me? NO RESPONSE, STILL. I call again and he hit ignore. It went to voicemail quick. I texted him again, saying what the hell say something. Silence.

Maybe I sound like a stalker to you. But we are at a breaking point, we both know this, hell you guys all know this. I wanted to get together. I specifically said on the phone friday when I told him about Tom that if he wanted to stop talking he should just tell me, rather than ignore me. Because it is truly infuriating to me, like give me two fucking seconds of your time and tell me we're done talking/ you don't wish to see me anymore.

I CAN.NOT.BELIEVE.WHAT.JUST.HAPPENED.

oMG!!!!!!!!!!

He just texted me, that asshole, and this is what it says:

"hey sarah sorry my phone was on silent from being at work."

I refuse to reply. ABSOLUTELY NOT! It's been 3 hours, I am pretty sure he would check his phone after work. His phone is usually attached to his hand.
I just turned my phone off.
Fuck him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I exceeded my calorie amount yesterday :(

I can't believe how obsessively I am recording my food intake. I used to do it on scraps of paper, or in a notebook. But it is truly fun to enter it into this digital application on my i-pod. Technology these days blows my mind. It is just helpful! I can see it so cleanly and with a chart, it just stimulates my brain, I suppose.

Well I have smoked myself into an oblivion. I am going to watch a movie, possibly. I don't know, I am glad he said something back but seriously, wtf, I don't believe him. I am losing interest by the second. I am going to ignore him and let him ignore me and maybe one day I'll get my panties & book back, or maybe I won't. After all, I did kiss his friend, I wouldn't blame him for burning that shit. But ya know what, it's not like we had sex. Kissing is sort of innocent. Ugh. If the situation were reversed I would be stunned/pissed.

I am getting to be over it all. I don't have time for a bf anyways. I have to concentrate on school this semester otherwise I am getting KICKED OUT. It sucks, but it was nice while it lasted. Really nice. For the most part he is a great guy. But he has some serious faults that are devasting to me, like his mommy dependence, and his chain smoking and coughing, and his indecisiveness, and his ex-gf's who write on his facebook wall everyday, and his immaturity.

So maybe this is good.
I am better as a loner, maybe.

I can't convince you or myself.

This blog will get back to a pro-ana focus, I promise. I just have to vent, I have no one to talk to, honestly no one. No friends. Only people. Those girls I was going to meet in the city for new years? Both pissed I didn't go. S. called me flaky and said I "always do this". They don't know what is going on in my life. The life of an eating disordered person. It really does take over, doesn't it. I have looked back upon old diaries I've kept over the years, I called myself fat in high school. 6 years ago. I had a nice body! It kills me that I have been hurting/hating myself for so long. Even in middle school, I was focused on trying to look good and thin. Nobody was fat and if there were one or two they had a social stigma, I'm sorry but that's the way my small town school was. And I too. I don't like looking at obese people. They piss me off for some reason. I guess because they just don't give a fuck and eat 3000+ calories per day. Because you know I am totally jealous of them. I love food. I hate eating. But I like different tastes and textures and I promise that if I didn't worry about my figure I would live off cookies, egg & cheese bagels, pizza, candy, etc. And get fat.

But, ha, I could never do that. I have a feeling this is a lifelong battle.

Think thin.
If you are hungry, take a nap. Or go to bed. Or do the dishes. Or clean the bathroom sink, which will compel you to do the toilet & tub, which could lead to a cleaning spree, taking up hours & burning calories.
Plan ahead and buy groceries to last a few days. Healthy stuff only, maybe a small sugar-free treat to satisfy.
When you wake up feeling thin, take a quick pic with your camera phone. Like what you see? Look at it all day, you will make better eating choices or just hold off altogether (preferred).
Drink plain water to flush out your systems. It really smooths them, allowing them to work perfectly, resulting in a leaner you, due to good digestive health.

Ok, good night. Thanks for reading. Your comments mean the world to me. Reading the ones from earlier honestly turned my mood around, uplifted it even.

xo

Scandalous!!

Twiggy: You're beautiful.


I am taking a few minutes now to blog because the events of 2010 are just plain juicy. It's barely started. I am already in a whirlwind. I am putting off some errands for a short time to jot this down, I can hardly believe it myself.

Sorry if this is confusing:

New Years Eve: went to work, made a decision to NOT drive to see my girlfriends in the next city, and texted T.'s friend, who's name also starts with T. So for my purposes I'll call him Tom. (Keep in mind that T. is in his hometown getting drunk with friends). So I texted Tom while at work, asking him to meet me for shots. I knew he had no plans because he told me the night prior. He agreed. I went home after work & changed into a skirt & leggings & boots..lookin'cute and swiggin' Captain Morgan. Then I met up with Tom. (T.'s friend.) (T = the guy I have been seeing)

We started with double mixed drinks and shots and dancing. It was the most random new years eve, but we met up with a mutual friend, J, and the 3 of us started "dancing" (more like swaying & bopping, but who's looking? we're alone on the dance floor; there is a ring of drunks around us). I kept meeting Tom's eyes, and I kinda had the intuition that he was into me. I suspected it before, sort of, but not really. I mean, I've only met him 3 times, the first time was because T. brought me there & introduced us.

The night grows blurry. The time is fun. Midnight came and the 3 of us new years singles met eyes. I squirmed under Tom's burning stare.

We danced more. Drank a LOT more. Then Tom and I started MAKING. OUT.
WhAt???!!!!???

Omg. Why.
Is he cute? Yes. But like no one I have ever been with. He is taller, older, wears glasses, HUNTS for godssake..I know him barely. But he is an amazing kisser.
And T.'s close friend. I feel bad. It gets better.
I told T. the next day. I said "Tom and I kissed" -just like that. His first question? "Did you make out?"
I
lied.
"no."

Yes we did. There were sparks, even. The problem is that I was just trashed. And we smoked pot afterward. I remember getting up from the table at which we were sitting & smoking at, and going to lie down on the floor in J.'s bathroom. I called T. at this time, got all teary, he was annihilated (quite drunk) and then his phone died.
The next time we talked is when I told him and that was the last time we talked. That was yesterday, a full 25 hours ago now. We exchanged a couple texts. But he is mad, I can tell. He really didn't show it on the phone. I guess I didn't let him, I kept blabbing on, trying to save my soul. It didn't work.

I feel like shit about it.
The truth is I don't know why it happened. But I liked it. And I have no clue what my feelings are for either guy at this moment. I don't know if they've even talked. I let Tom know last night that I had dropped the bomb to T....he was mad cool, even chill, about it. He said the reason it happened is because it felt right in the moment and that I'm a "really pretty girl who is nice with a good head on my shoulders and why not take a risk?"

Um? I don't want to ruin the mystery, but I clearly don't have a good head on my shoulders.
I like the taking a risk part though. I told him I liked his boldness. I do. I don't know about sexual attraction though. It's a big thing for me.
I mean, T. was amazing in bed. I was extremely attracted to his body..

LOok at me using the past tense.
It's because I know it's over.

But maybe something new is starting with Tom.
Maybe all of this is happening for a reason.

Just keeping NYE in mind..T. was NOT available to hang. He hasn't been at all. Wake up Sar. Smell the roses. You knew this. You just wanted to speed the hurting process along. Did it have to be his friend though??

I'm hopeless.

2010 is off to a great start.
I need to spend some time alone, thinking about all of this. 3 weeks until school starts again. That means yoga!! Woo! I'm only taking it once a week but hey, it's more exercise. And more of a chance to lose.

I like the idea of being with a bigger guy. T. was skinny. Tom is bigger. I don't know to what extent. But bigger makes me feel smaller.

I can't get ahead of myself. I am waiting on T. really. To see if I hear from him. He is in town tonight for work, maybe he will call after. Even if he does I won't see him at midnight. I don't think. I have slept all day, it's not like I'll be tired.
I want to see him and touch him and talk to him but there is a little part of me who just wants to ignore him and give him the space he so obviously needs, without a messy talk squeezed in the mix.

Help, anyone? Seriously if you have read this much, maybe you might have an opinion?

Oh & think thin!!!