Things change, man.

I had a nervous breakdown on the phone with my mother today, basically about school and how much I hate it, and how much I resent the program I'm in, and just my hatred towards the education system in this country in general. I was sobbing, and freaked her out a little. She was at work, and told me she'd call me later. I waited all day, I was worried and thinking she didn't care and wouldn't call. Then, she did. She wanted to wait till after nine, so I wouldn't be using minutes on my cell phone.

She offered me a place, she said I could come home. She said it didn't matter if I finished college this year or not, all that mattered was my happiness. She said she is worried about me, because every time we talk I cry, and because she is intuitive and can really feel the depths of my depression.

I might do it. I would have to decide tonight, basically, because tomorrow I am supposed to make my school schedule for next semester.

I think I might. 

I need to think.

Help?

Hmm.

I'm maintaining 130, but March is officially over, and I did not reach my goal.

Everything is wrong right now.

I'm low and nothing has meaning. It hasn't for a long, long time.

I'm thirsty and have nothing more to say.

Think thin...

Says She So.

Everything hurts. My feet, from moshing at the bar last night. My legs, from standing all day at work. My brain, from no sleep/too much anxiety. My throat, from the constant smoking. My stomach, because I just binged on sunflower seeds.
My strained eyes hold too may tears, but never enough fall to shield the pain.

I went out last night, got super drunk and stumbly. Saw T. . . and broke down. I don't even know what I said or did or how I acted or looked but I know I was pissed and stressed and hating him, because he is a player and a pedophile and overall jackass. I fucking hate him and want him to like me, what a terrible clash of feelings to deal with. It's like he's my father (ha, inside joke I guess...or I'm a little too interested in psychology).

I feel sick! I wonder how many times I've typed those three words these past months. Probably a lot. I always feel sick. Sick and tired. Of life. Of me, mostly. And my ways.

I lost my focus for this post, I'm sorry. I'm a shitty person. I'm a fatass failure. If I died no one would notice. I bet there wouldn't be one of those facebook groups in my memory. Who would care enough to make one? I can't think of anyone...

My cat is asleep next to me, on top of my desk.

I can't stop crying.

200th Post!

Thirty minutes before work and I really need to just scream. I keep seeing T. At school. Around town. At work. In my fucking dreams. I hate him. The thought of being his friend makes me want to point a gun at my head.
Light it. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
Smoking weed slows the thoughts down.

Why am I letting him affect me still? I just hate the sight of him. His longish hair. His cocky demeanor. His shaved face. His stupid plaid shirts and khakis and corduroys. I used to like his style, now I think he just looks like a tool. I have not forgiven him, nor myself. Until then I will be miserable.

Cue sad song playing in the background.

I hate how I can be feeling thin[ish] and then sit down in class and look down at my thighs and feel so grossed out by their sheer size. I hate how big I am. I hate that I am taller than the average girl, making me automatically look bigger. I hate my stomach. I hate my "food addiction". I hate school sometimes. I hate it all right now.

Not really. I can't. I need to not hate. I need to not let this all affect me. I need to be strong.

: )   I am trying like hell to smile. And breathe. I went to every class this week, so far, that is great.

I have things to do and seemingly no time.
It is a really good thing that I am no longer "seeing" T.
More time for me.

So far today I've ate an apple. [organic too!]

I refuse to get addicted to b/p.

Think thin.

No!!

I was doing great - [yoga and jumping jacks, restriction] until I went to the store and bought food. What the fuck, I'm a fatass.

chips. pretzels. dip.

whole wheat bread. [laughing cow] cheese.

candy.

Oh my god, I've ate a lot, why? Where did this binge come from?? More importantly, why did I let it happen? What happened to my control?

Sorry guys, how can I provide thinspiration to you and myself if I eat like an obese person with the munchies?

So much water now, no purge, just a laxative or two.

Any other ideas on how to get my thin back??


**Edit**

I took a shower after typing this, thought about my actions, got out, and purged.
I feel fat as fuck and disgusted with myself and sick to death of my fucked up relationship with food. I hate you, food. I really fucking do.

Think thin.

Tuesday Motivation.

 Good Morning, it's 7:30 and foggy. I am so inspired by some of your blogs. Just wanted to post quickly before class;  I am sick of taking a laid back approach to life, I must boldly grab for what I want with both hands, not one. I want to be thinner, therefore I must name an attainable goal weight to reach within a week.
128.

It's a start.
I will restrict everyday and continue my jumping jacks. I will run up the stairs every day. I have yoga today! I will do my best there :-)  I will WIN. I will be thin.

It bothers me when I weigh myself after eating--the scale jumps up. What's up with that?  It is so disheartening! I hate how the number on the scale moves so much.

Exercise! Think thin!

I got my mind set on this.

I can't stop listening to George Harrison. I am living for and longing for my memories and my old self. I had it all, seemingly. But we never appreciate things when we have them, do we? We (I) wait until they're GONE, and then it's like, oh man, wish I still had that.

My eyes are tearing up. I have been talking daily to B, my ex boyfriend. Him and I went through it all. He is the only guy I ever tried to hit/beat the shit out of. It is a horrible memory, the thing is I was so drunk the memory is in pieces, but he remembers, and therefore, hesitates. And so do I.

I just never know with me. I know that I like to *like* someone. It is true, I enjoy crushing. Since T. is history it is quite typical of me to throw myself at someone else. But my ex?? The one person who can bring out my very best and my scary, dark, absolute worst?


Life makes zero sense.
I woke up three hours ago, from a mid-day nap, and now it is 11:15 pm. I had hopes of doing homework, since tomorrow is my first day back to college. But I am too keyed up to do anything but listen to music and type and text B. and think about smoking up and a million other things.
Oh procrastination, you haven't killed me yet. But maybe tonight.

I love music!!!!!!!!!

Wondering what I ate today? So am I. Why don't I refer to my Ipod's Lose it application, and tell ya!
(I'm about to hate myself)

Breakfast~ 2 packets of oatmeal, with honey & cinnamon.
Lunch~ nada
Dinner~microwaved "baked" potato, with shredded cheese and garlic powder, I couldn't finish it..it was so plain/dry without butter or salsa. bag of organic microwaved popcorn (gasp!). string cheese. apple.
Snacks~JELLY BEANS (I am so fucking addicted ugh DIE easter bunny and your tempting confections!!)

Well, could be worse.
Have I mentioned my severe candy addiction? IT IS OUT OF CONTROL. Time for jumping jacks! Ready? You do some too!! Put on a tune! Here I go : )

I did 50. Pathetic. I just can't fucking focus right now on what is important.
In case you wondered what is important...it is BEING THIN!!!!!!!!

You know what my problem is? I am too damn self-conscious. I am worried what my downstairs neighbor (the one I chill with, she lives directly underneath) will think.
Omg. So I just did 50 more, and sure enough, there goes my phone! She texted me saying "are you doing jumping jacks? lol"

hahaha Yes. Yes I am.

Last night I was in her apartment, smoking. Her sister was there and they had snacks (cookies and white cheddar popcorn); they kept offering!!!! I said no and stuck to my no. I sometimes wonder if she knows about my *ways*. Well whatever, it's not like I'm too thin. Lol.
My BMI is 20.1

Looonnggggg ways to go.

Think thin, people.

Here we go...

I am out of breath and completely psyched to have just done 115 jumping jacks in quick succession. Barefoot. In my pjs. High as a kite.
What it takes to be skinny *smiles* ..

So. After three days of me giving him the silent treatment (no texts, no calls, nothing), T. texted me tonight, a picture message and a quick note. Something like, "this band is great; I'll show you" ... what the fuck, T? You won't be showing me anything, much less your little boy physique and indecisive, self-destructive ways. I'm done with you.

I sit here a few minutes later, smoking a cig and typing left-handed: I feel apprehensive. But why? I suppose I let T. have that effect on me.
I can't think of him.
I'll just concentrate on me. Sure, it's important to consider all things here, his and my perspectives...
Finally put that out, ahem, I can type better like this but was thinking more when I was only doing it one-handed. Weird.
Ah, high musings.


Think thin, Sar. Ah, stretching and exercise feels great. I still can't believe I purged last night, thought I was done with that shit. It just goes to show that nothing is ever gone completely, things stay with you. Inside. Good things, bad things. My appetite has been fucked up all day though. I don't even want to eat. Just been chugging water. Had a few snacks. Nothing fattening, luckily.

I hate fattening food. Not all food is fattening, always remember that. Pineapple, grapes, carrots, spinach, apples...great choices and some of my favs.

I love you all, just so you know. There is not enough love in the world. I am sending out love and support and peace to you. I mean YOU! The one reading this, the one who can relate to my words. The one who thinks of me as some anonymous blogger out in the world, because that's what I am to you. But I am real. I am sitting here and thinking of how silly I must sound but I like this. I like talking to you, whoever YOU are. Thanks for reading my words. I really do like to write. I don't do it enough. My writing for school is forced and technical, but here... I am free. I can express my innermost thoughts that will always remain private to those I know in "real life". They will never know these things about me, unless I tell them.
But there is not enough time and air to breathe to mention every passing thought I've ever had. No one ever really knows another. You think you do. You might know a little. But in the end, we'll die as strangers. And be forgotten.

That's why I and you must make the most of each and every moment. Love, live, be at peace. Smile, it tricks your brain into feeling happy or thinking happier, calmer thoughts. Try it : )

I smile when I am feeling blue.

I should end this.
I get preachy sometimes.

Nothing you can eat will EVER taste as good as the knowledge that you are the skinniest girl in the room, and maybe even the building.

<3 Sar.

5 hours later..

It is 6:45 in the morning and I have to be at work in twenty minutes. I purged roughly five hours ago, and I hoped I'd feel thinner. I weighed myself [bad idea] and the scale glowered at me: 133. Really?? I know that I can be down by the end of this day, especially after being on my feet at work, but jeez, what a way to start the day. I'm scared. I'm scared to be fat and so I must be thinner.
Purging is a bad lifestyle choice, I will not succumb to these ridiculous temptations. The only reason it happened last night is because I just ate wayyy too much, and I felt terrible.
I can't feel that way again.

Why did I buy those cookies?? Sooo stupid of me. Not to mention a waste of money. Ugh. I have no self-control sometimes, I make myself so mad.

I eat out of loneliness and desperation, a pathetic combo that will lead to NOTHING GOOD!

I hope you are all doing better than I am.

I am disappointed in myself now, because I feel like if I was going to purge, I should have done it right and puked until there was nothing else. I didn't though, because I am weak. I stopped when the pressure was relieved from my stomach and I SHOULD NOT HAVE. Maybe the scale would have read something different, something better, if I could have at least done one thing right last night. Ugh...



Think thin and Have a good day!!!

Old habits...

I just binged and purged.

[I feel weird, but calm]

It's been months since I've done this...for good reason, it sucks throwing up. But tonight I ate a baked potato with salsa and cheese, pretzels, and about ten cookies. PLUS everything else I ate today. I had no choice. I felt sick. It came up easily. I just hope I got it all. I reached a point where I thought I could stop, so I stopped. Now my lips and throat are dry and my stomach is heavy but not painfully so, like before.

God help me.

I like jumping jacks.

It is 6:45 in the morning and my stupid fucking cat will never let me sleep more than one hour and it's making me mad.

My legs itch, I hate dry skin. Sometimes, I hate showering. I am too lazy for that tedious endeavor, and I suppose I might smell right now, of sweat and insanity.

I guess sleep is for the innocent.

My cat has energy spurts starting at 5 in the morning and I hate it. My cat is not normal, clearly, which makes sense because he is mine. I wish he would sleep from 1 am - 8 am. That would be okay with me. Seven measly hours, world, and I'm sure I could find time to rest my bones.

My sister will be having a baby any day now. This excites me and fills me with a strange jealousy. I hope she's happy. I hope her husband loves her and does not leave her with a kid. I hope for the best.
But I am always expecting the worst.

Just realized I am doing nothing for St. Patrick's Day [today] because I work at seven AM tomorrow. Again, I'll be up early as fuck but with no hangover so I suppose that is a good thing.

I hate myself for even caring about T. for a second. He does not deserve my thoughts, he does not deserve to breathe the same air as me. Heartless motherfucker, I absolutely, positively, hate him and am thisclose to wishing death upon him but I won't go that far because sometimes I am mysteriously psychic and I would feel pretty bad actually if he died.

My legs fucking itch what the fuck.

Day 3 of Spring Break and I don't even know how to spend my time. I just sit at the computer and read online articles and blogs and news and listen to music. I smoke lots of pot and get the munchies and buy candy. I chug water and get up to go pee lots [sometimes it's my only exercise].

Did I take the walk yesterday? That sounded so marvelous to me? Well....no I did not. I took a nap on the couch instead, because I'm lazy.

My dreams are haunting and vivid and surprise me.

My life is blank. I must fill it. But with what?
I want to end this, I need to stop typing and start showering or doing jumping jacks or something with this pissed off energy that is currently radiating through me, but I'm frozen here.
There is always more to say. I have thought of starting another blog, but why abandon this one? I have followers that hopefully read. But more importantly, I can turn to "New Post" and it feels like talking with an old friend.
I am so lonely. I have no friends. No one calls me.
Actually, one person does. My ex, B.
He is the only person I have talked to over break, except for my parents and brother when I went home. No one talks to me or even cares that I am alive. That's how I feel. That's probably why I have always liked working...it forces people to be around me. And I like it because I can talk to them and they can't leave [they're stuck; they're clocked in].

Am I crazy? Maybe.
I need to replace T. in my thoughts with something tangible. Something that actually matters.
How about my pursuit to thinness?

I'll stand up and do a mirror check, hang on..
I look fat today. Of course, I only slept maybe three hours. Not fair. I wanted to sleep for eight hours and wake up and feel less bloated. I had lots of veggies yesterday and they're taking up TOO MUCH SPACE.

Dammit I just want to be thinner. Ok, 50 jumping jacks...ready and go.

I'm out of breath. I did 75.

I like jumping jacks, they get my heart pumping.
My fingers were fluid before, pounding out the letters and words so quickly. Now they are strangers, hitting the wrong keys and backspace all too often. I guess it's from my blood moving around and making them dance.

I just did 25 more.

That hurt, and felt good.
Fuck flab. Fuck fat. Fuck being lazy.

I will do 100 jumping jacks every day. Maybe more, but it's a small start. If blogging is the push I need to do them, then so be it!!

Ugh, I feel sick. I just want life to start, but it already has for me. My life started when I popped out of my mom's pussy [disgusting] and it will end when I die. I could die today. Today could be the day that I die. It's a scary thought. One I shall dismiss now.

Anyway.

BE THIN!!!!!!

Keep calm.

I am feeling somewhat positive today. The Grateful Dead is playing and adding to my bliss. All I did was put away laundry and organize a few things and it really made a difference in my state of mind! It is 4:15 pm and I am considering a walk. The sun is shining and it's a perfect way to get some much-needed exercise.
I can restrict all I want but if I don't exercise I will be flabby and I would never want that.

So. I will walk to the video store and back. It's like 3 or 4 miles (round trip). I'll google it. It will allow me to get outside and kill some time (and burn calories). My prize will be a dvd!

Speaking of calories, today I have ingested few : )

And I am going to stay this way. I hate stuffing myself and feel like shit whenever I do, so... I'm just not going to anymore. My payoff will be thinness. I am sick of binges and what they do to my mind.
Food is so disgusting. Random, but I can proudly say that I have not had one fried mozzarella stick this semester. They used to be my favorite thing to get on campus; they were fried and greasy and doused in oil, and I dipped them in marinara sauce. Ugh. Nasty!!!!
I have prevailed! I've made it to spring break without seriously indulging in my school's terrible cafeteria food. It honestly just scares me to do so. When I am there I look around, some [fat] girls get chicken finger subs slathered in bleu cheese, fries, cookies and a large pepsi. I bet the calorie count for that mess is 3000. I am scared for them. I hope that is all they eat for the day. What a horrifying existence. Call me stuck up, I don't care. I don't let greasy, nasty food control me. ESPECIALLY on campus, where everyone is watching.. I mean, just look at some nutrition facts once in awhile.

Ok, I binge on candy. Like that makes it better. But I would rather have a sweet tooth than binge on fried meat. Have I mentioned I'm a vegetarian and have been basically for life? It's the only way to live. I will be vegan when school is over, I am thinking. I'll just need a better kitchen to prepare vegan food. The apartment I live in now is small and "student housing".

When I enter the real world, things will be different. I have less than a year.

I just talked to B. (ex) for a bit. I was going to go visit this restaurant where he works and he wanted to buy me a free meal (idk why..) but I looked at the menu online and there was nothing. So I got out off that : ) We might drink tomorrow, St. Patricks Day!!! I would rather not eat and spend calories on a liquid (preferably low cal soda water and vodka).

I'm hungry.
Ha. Fuck you stomach. My thighs shake for days and you can feast on them, it'll help me out.

Think thin.

Out of Tears.

45 minutes before I must be at work yet I'm compelled to blog. I've been reading yours, so why don't I write mine? I am reading a book, "The Bell Jar", and I like it. I am not done with it, but hope to finish tomorrow or the next day. I can relate to the main character. Whatever, this isn't a book review. I just need an outlet now.

I am smoking a bowl and feeling fat today, Monday, the start of a loonnggg week without classes. I should be happy, I should be loving this. Because I never go to class. I have skipped classes a couple times a week since the second week of school. But I'm not particularly happy or loving anything right now. I almost wish for the distraction of class. Being around people is thinspiring for me, it makes me not want to eat. So I can look better than them.

I am unhappy with my reflection in the mirror and also how I am reflected in other's eyes.

Only read this next part if you feel like being repulsed:
[My food intake today, starting last night at about 12:45 A.M. - kashi granola bar, amy's brown rice & veggie bowl (didn't finish it), pudding cup, tortilla chips and salsa, apple, banana, and jelly beans, it is now 6:30 P.M.]

SO MUCH. in  16 hours. I was sleeping some of that time too!
Ugh I have no self control. The weird part is I was really not that hungry last night. I had a huge meal at my parents (went for the weekend-didn't binge), well they did...I filled up on roasted veggies! And ice water :) But when I came back to town I smoked copious amounts of marijuana with Tom.

Yes, Tom. ((not T.))
It was simple and casual and close by. It worked out nicely.
But ya know, I got the munchies and hate going to sleep so I was delaying the inevitable with the worst thing ever...fucking food.

I will eat nothing else today. I do not deserve to eat any more because I feel like I've been stuffing myself. The truth is I have no clue if I have. I have no idea if I am eating too much or just enough or too little. I am guessing and going by bones, fat, and mirrors. This is a miserable time, and yet I kind of love it.

I've got a rage in me.

****Think thin.

Because nothing tastes as good as thin feels****

I'm in a lull!

Today is Friday and I am done with classes for over a week. I am glad about this but as I was walking through campus earlier today the lack of people and cars saddened me. There was an intense energy in the air, people are excited to go on their respective vacations for break. I am going nowhere, just home tomorrow for the weekend to see my family and do laundry. I am undecided about bringing the cat. I would have loved to go away but I probably wouldn't enjoy it to the fullest. I'd be thinking about the money I shouldn't be spending and my depression is still surrounding my actions so I truly believe I am better off here, holing up in my apartment next week, and meditating.

It is 4:39 in the afternoon and T. and I have texted a little. Here's something weird, I said I wouldn't talk to him until I saw him but when I went to work to get my check last night he came in to get his. I said "hi" and that's it until I texted him later. I went out with a friend, we went to two bars. I had smoked a blunt and chugged 2 glasses of wine before leaving. Of course I saw T. at the bar but ignored him. I was wasted so it is all pretty unclear but I recall him tapping on my shoulder as I walked by. I brushed him off, kept walking, stood outside and smoked a cigarette, alone. He came out, laughing and joking around with his friend's girlfriend...ugh. They sicken me. They were flirting so much, THAT I remember. And by flirting I mean touching. And hugging. What the fuck. She has a man (T.'s friend!!!) but is obviously playing him. Idk. Just leave T. alone, bitch.

Okay that is irrational. Anyway, I was smoking and they came out and didn't see me. I turned to face the wall and hide my quickly tearing up eyes. They walked away, and the life was sucked out of me. I eventually made it home and made a box of organic whole wheat and white cheddar cheese. I ate it all, the total was 650 calories. I needed something, I had been drinking on my empty stomach and couldn't walk without the spins. How I managed to boil water without burning this place down is a mystery.

Then breakfast was oatmeal, lunch was a veggie-filled salad (no dressing), broccoli, and soy crisps. A lot of soy crisps, but dang they're good. I am at my calorie limit for the day which is fine because I am too exhausted to eat but have to work in two hours. I'll be there until midnight so no food left today : ) That makes me smile.

I got my paper back, the one I turned in two days late. He put my "original" grade and grade with late points docked. I initially had a 38/50 or C but my "real" grade is 32/50 or D+.

Fuck it. I suck at school. I am not going to sweat it, at least I turned something in.

I did see T. this morning, before class. I was going to the cafe on campus to get coffee, and he was there, sitting at a table with at least four girls. Just him + girls. Oh my god why did this bother me? I am sure they were just studying or something, but in such a casual setting? There had to be one in the group that he has his eye on. I bet.

I'm depressing myself and can't imagine what I'm doing to you.

The weather has been decent here, finally getting in the 40's and 50's. I need to get some spring clothes asap. All of my hoodies and shirts are from at least 5 years ago. It's nice that I can wear them, I guess, at least I haven't blown up like a balloon, like some girls from high school. But either way it is all old and out of fashion. The problem is that today's styles kind of suck. Or maybe it's just this small town I am currently in...there is a serious lack of stores and no mall. Not even a Target. I just want to dress nice.

Have a good one, all!

Think thin : )

Magic Maker.

It's a new day. Since three wonderful souls took the time to comment, I must write. An update of sorts. I am okay. Well. I took two naps today. And smoked mucho. And ate nothing of substance, so I am hungry but feeling really full and bloated.
I tried texting T. something new, like "Have fun on your trip to see your brother." I got no response.
And it's ok.

It has to be, I mean, I can't force someone into a relationship just because it's my idea of the week. I wanted it to work, it didn't. So that's it. No dwelling. I will not text/call/email him. I will not speak to him until I see him next. That seems reasonable, because I rarely see him.
It is better this way.

Many tears over a guy. I am boy-crazy and thought I had control over my actions when it came to them. Ha, guess not. I went a little crazy. But he is done. Completely done with me. I must remember that!! "Breaking up" sucks.

(about 15 minutes later..i have add)

Time to go get my paycheck and purchase wine. Love to you all.

Oh, and think thin!.

[obv]

Try or Die.

I feel incredibly angry and delusional. I hate the decisions I make and the choices I choose. I am lazy, self-destructive, and cold. I am heartless at times and too emotional at others. I am me. I am a failure. I am a self-defeating freak.

I am a girl who has never known a healthy, happy relationship.

I have wasted so much time, and I am shortening my life everyday. I smoke, I binge-drink and eat. I am fat. I am stupid.

I hate me.
Where did I go?
I want to jump out the window.
I want someone to tell me I am ok, that I did not ruin everything. I want someone to love me for me, or even like me for me. I wanted T. to see my good side. He only got the bad side.Things are terrible. I have officially turned over to the dark side, concerning him. He will never see me as someone nice, sweet, innocent. Never. He now knows how fucked up I really am, and he hopes I "figure it out". Great. Now he pities me.

I don't pity me. I deserve what I get.
I messed around with a married man a few years ago, I cheated, I've stole and lied. Karma is coming to get me.

The weariness shows in my eyes and forehead.

The candy binges show in my gut.

The smoking shows in my teeth and skin.

At least I've stayed away from fried food lately.

I thought I could write, I can't.

I have nothing more to say. All I want to do is walk into a brick wall, or smash my fist into some glass, or lay down in some cold snow and stay until I freeze into a block of Sar-Ice.
All I want to do is be fucked up. Or just plain fucked. Is it time for emotionless sex? No, maybe not. Hell.

Just, hell.

It is one in the morning and I have class at eight.

Sleep is an impossibility.

If I do sleep I have nightmares.

If I do sleep I wake up alone.

My throat hurts. My heart, well, it feels invisible right now. It should be throbbing, it was...but I think it gave up on me. I gave up on me so I don't blame it. What can I do?

Think thin. Obviously, that's the answer. I want to be thinner. If I am thinner, maybe I will attract more men, and more attention. If I am thinner than maybe my past heartbreaks and disappointments will cease. If I am thinner than maybe I will be happier.

I hope so. I'm going to try. I guess, I mean at this point it's either try or die.

I'm gonna swallow some laxatives and maybe smoke a little more pot than attempt sleep. If sleep does not come than I deserve that, too. Why should I get rest? I can't sleep, fuck it. What to do, what to do.. idk.

T. hates me.

I have no one.

Not even myself, I am lost. I am lonely. I am a childish loser. That's what I called T. tonight, "a fucking loser". God. Why. Why. Why. must I take out my anger and fear on the one I didn't want to lose. Now he is gone. Gone with the fucking wind. And I am gone. And life is gone.

My posts have been unbelievably depressing the last few months, and I'm sorry. But I need help. I have no access to it. Therefore I live a terrible life and blog/complain about it once awhile. I don't know how to end this post. I don't know, you guys. I am just so...sad.

: /

Delaying the Inevitable.

Here I sit, procrastinating so well, books and notebooks and looseleaf paper strewn about. Candy in my stomach (160 calories worth, holyfuck), water at my side. My brain is rolling around in its juices, soaking up random words and phrases that float by and want to be said or wrote. I won't let them. I need to concentrate, dammit. I have a page and a half. I need four more. I can freakin' do it. Right??

Sparkles and quick flits of light dash around me and my eyes catch them, peripherally.

I have a confession to make. Last night after work instead of doing a million better things I called and ordered a tomato slice covered and olive oil coated white pizza. It was a "medium" which is 8 slices. I asked for "light on the olive oil". I ate....6 slices.

Holyhell.

I'm sorry, world. I'm sorry, Sar.
It was a serious craving. In my ONLY DEFENSE I can assure you that I did not eat any of the crusts. They formed a limp pile on my napkin. I felt like a pig, but I did eat it slowly, while savoring it. I blotted every slice with a few napkins. I tried my best to be GOOD about it but really, what good can come from ordering a pizza for ONE?
Another good thing, I did not blow my calorie limit for the day, I truly believe that. I was hungry and empty-stomached when I ordered it, and I walked to get it.

Listen to these justifications!!!!! As if.

Moving on.
Oh yeah, the paper, gahhhh....

Just wanted to update. I will type up a real post tomorrow, when the craziness starts to settle.

Do I feel fat today, after all that pizza? In a way yes. In a way, it could honestly be much worse. I've been chugging water and restricting today (but that damn candy slipped me up) so I am okay with the situation. I fulfilled a craving and that is good to do. Now I won't be thinking about pizza day in and day out. Sometimes you have to choose your battles.

I want you to know that I would rather do just about anything in the world than finish writing this paper. The problem is my focus. It's fucking shot. Must be all the weed.

Think thin.

Think thin.


Think thin.


Think thin.


Think thin.

If you wonder where the self resides...

I binge but purging scares the hell outta me. I've done it and it's creepy how it becomes this daily occurrence, this need, and before long it becomes automatic. I've managed to overcome it, but it's nuts how I think about it still. Like last night's Ben and Jerry's disaster. It must have been in the air, I read in another blog about it. I ate an entire pint (except for the very melted bottom) of Phish Food. Shiit. For real though, it was too sweet. And luckily I had barely ate before that, so the damage was minimal, but I really wanted to throw it up.
And I knew it would be easy. Ice cream comes up fast. My stomach was ready to barf, my throat was watering...but I refused. I hate the feeling, it is so...unnatural. I hate standing there, focusing only on puke, feeling like a fucked up failure, feeling like death.

Regardless, I am glad it didn't happen but seriously wish I didn't ingest those evil calories. Who thought of selling ice cream by the pint anyways???/ JEez, it's obesity in a carton.

Today, I ate a salad. No dressing, just a spoonful of hummus (which I mixed in). It was delicious and filling. I have been eating wayyy too much sugar this past week, but it is my time of the month. I look back on Lose It and see the pattern. When my emotions get all wacked out so does my control and eating.
Lame. Thanks, Mother Nature.

So I never wrote that paper. Didn't go to class at all yesterday. In my head I gave up. But my heart knows it needs to be done by Monday. Too bad I have not even started it. Too bad I just invited B. (ex-bf) down to my college town for a night of partying. Lol. Typical Sar.
We're going to get drunk. And high. I can't wait...I just want company. I am so freakin' alone and if I'm going to keep procrastinating than I need someone around to distract me.

T. and I are over.

I broke down and called a counselor yesterday (yesterday was a bad, emotional day) and they couldn't get me an appointment for three fucking weeks...so I said screw it. Actually I said, "Ok..." with tears in my voice and the lady asked if I was having a crisis. Fuck yes I'm having a crisis, I bit the bullet and called did I not? And yet I found myself saying no and meaning it. I would just have to get through the day on my own. And I did, somehow.
This is what I did: Smoked, Rented A Movie, Got Ben & Jerry's (evil bastards), ate it, watched half of "Julia & Julie", went to bed, slept like shit, had a nightmare about T. and me beating some chick up, woke up to my cat running all ape shit, put him in the bathroom, went back to bed and woke up alone, like I always do.
Self-medicate.
It works, briefly. Today has been better. I took 2 boxes of recycling back and picked up a presription (b.c.) (no sex though wtf). Doing little things like that seems to help my mind out.

It is 5:22 pm and I am high. I need to vaccuum. And shower. And clean up/put clothes away/do dishes/hide scale/clean bathroom. He will be here at 9. I have time. I did want to watch the rest of the movie. I think I might.

I like blogging. Is there anything you want me to write about?

Stay skinny. Think thin.

xo~Sar

My tortured eyes.

I've been depressed for weeks, months, years. After awhile I got used to it: faking smiles, isolation, pain. After awhile I forgot what I used to be like. I forgot how to feel joy. "Happiness" became associated with physical closeness (sex & relationships), altered states (drugs, drinking, cigarettes, caffeine), and of course, food (eating, reading about, talking about, looking at recipe books...another kind of high).
Those things don't bring happiness though, not real and true contentment.
I have this strange urge to be in a serious relationship.
It scares and sickens me. Mostly because deep down I know that I am not ready. I am afraid of commitment and have deeply rooted fears of abandonment.

Enough about that sad stuff. I really couldn't stay on topic if my life depended on it.
I have a paper due tomorrow morning at eleven. It is 7:45 pm. I have not started. Shit. Why do I always put myself in this position? I procrastinate hardcore, it's a terrible habit, among many.
As I type I am eating sour gummy candy. Oh, have I hit rock bottom? Definitely yes. Things with T. are over, I know it. It's getting bad. It's honestly just a terrible shame that we hooked up, because I left part of my heart in his hands.

I know he sounds like a total flake but the weird thing is I feel all butterfly-ish when I'm near him or face to face. I need to get past that though. It is a total crock of shit. There are no fairy tales. He just texted me this: "idk about us".

Fuck. Well like I said, that's over. The hardest part is pushing him out of my mind. He tends to linger in my thoughts like my hand in the proverbial cookie jar.

I went to see my teacher earlier and the entire time there were tears in my eyes. I was shaky and my voice was husky. I was a mess; I tried real hard to keep my cool. He now obviously thinks I am a nutso basketcase. I need to write this freakin' paper and turn it in. What the fuck is my problem?????


Think thin, because it's everything.

Legs like these.

I'm not sure how I got to be this crazy. I am seriously psycho.

It's about twenty after four, and I'm smoking my first bowl of the day and listening to sad music. You don't have to tell me, I know: I'm pathetic.

Oh, the self-loathing.

I used to be a happy girl. I was confident, outgoing....temperamental, aggressive. I guess I've always had aspects of me that were way less than perfect.

So I ended up binging last night on cheese and triscuits and candy. My calorie total for the day was through the roof, I refuse to repeat it here.
I did manage to check some things off my list, like the dishes and cleaning the cat litter and bill paying. The easy stuff. I always do the easy stuff. Oh, and I actually studied a little. I waited all day, until one in the morning (I had my test at eight) then started filling out my review sheet. It was too easy, I should have done it during the day, and read at night, and I would be super sure right now that I did good.
Unfortunately that is not the case, but I am sure I passed.

I come on to write about something but rarely get to it.
Today, I had a nervous breakdown. A slight one, if they can be slight. Just cried and yelled a bit, and rammed my head into hard surfaces, and paced angrily.
Why?
Because I want to find another apartment for when my lease ends in August, and I am having no luck. Everyone I call is against pets. I have a cat. Therefore, life sucks. I don't resent him for existing. But there are times, horrible times, when I wish I didn't have him. He is a lot of work and money, and we don't sleep the same hours, but I love him.
I can't/won't get rid of my cat.
Another reason for my breakdown was T. not answering my text. Ouch. I hate that, for some reason. I texted him twice about the book reading we had planned for tonight. We hadn't talked yet today.
Nothing...than more nothing...than denial from 4 or 5 different landlords...than more nothing from T.
Hence the breakdown.

My head hurts.
Needless to say, I called T. almost an hour after I originally texted him. He didn't answer. I sighed in frustration, and felt like killing myself (yes over this dude, I'm a loser).
He called right back.
He wants to go still. I got off the phone real quick, to avoid ...what exactly? To avoid expressing any emotion, I suppose. Then he texted me about smoking before. Well sure, why not. But that is not stopping me from smoking now. And a cig. Then a shower. Then store to get more cigs and meet up with D. for green. Then T. time.

I feel sick. I am either intensely ignoring a bad gut feeling about him, or I am so passionately infatuated with him my brain can't help but torture itself, for a relief from the seratonin drip drip dripping when I think of him.
Ugh.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I must stop asking that, I know what's wrong. I'm fucked in the head. It is a direct result of years of drug experimentation and separation from my family and evil men fucking me over, mainly this guy (jobless, with a child & a serious pill addiction) I lived with for over a year.

Ok sure, my life has not been grand, but I am healthy right? No (diagnosed) terminal illness, all limbs intact, "pretty" by American standards, family, a few friends, cat, blahblah.
I can't be cheery right now.

I will starve the rest of this day, there is no doubt in my mind. I hate food. I hate what it does, it makes me fat. I hate feeling fat, I love feeling thin. I will be thinner. I will not fuck this up. I had one bad night, doesn't mean anything. It maybe helped boost my metabolism. I am ok. I will not be fat anymore. I will be thin. I will be thin. I will be thin!

I will have legs like these. Will you?

Moods of a March day.

I am here, you are there.

I got my test grade, 68. Out of 100.

I took the test last friday after T. and I's wild, sexy night. I am letting every part of my life slip to the ground. I only care about him. And when he will text me. Or call me. I can't concentrate in class because I am constantly hoping to spot him on campus.

I've become a little obsessed.

I have done nothing exciting today except go to class. I did not pay attention. I came home and facebook stalked T. until I felt slightly mortified at the extent of my actions.
I hate myself.
Earlier, I went to bed to lay down for awhile. Barely slept. Just thought, and wished for the stupid sound of my phone.

Once I realized I wasn't accomplishing anything and sleep wasn't happening, I got up. And ate a bag of microwave "butter light" popcorn. What. The. Fuck!

I hate myself. Did I say that already?
Sorry guys, I was feeling so much more positive yesterday. But today I am pathetic. And bloated...period time, yay.

I am smoking a quick bowl. I am tempted to go to campus for this women's history month presentation. It is in twenty minutes. I know there will be food there, though.

A dilemma.

What to do?

I am interested in hearing the speech, but the idea of eating more is making me sick. I ate lunch already. (Huge salad and mashed potatoes (no gravy obviously) and a few tator tots (no ketchup) and a cookie. Yikes. PLus the popcorn?? I am so gross.

HAte.Hate.HAte.

T. is driving me crazy. His blonde, white-teethed, world-traveling ex-girlfriend is back in the picture. I am fucking pissed and let him have it, because he emailed her! And apparently "misses her" cuz it's "been so long" (she's in a country on the other side of the world) (bitch).

Think what you want. My intuition tells me two things: (1) he is trying to make me feel like shit/how I made him feel (reverse psychology? doubt he's smart enough for that but I digress) because he is jealous of my ex-boyfriend, who came to see me a month ago...or (2) this was his first love and he wants to reconnect in hopes of possibly getting back together someday.

I have no idea if either of these is true. I want to know. But I don't. And can't ask.
We did talk about it. He insists there is not nor will be anything going on. At least not "romantically". Ugh.

I can't even think straight. Oh yeah, I just blazed.

I need to talk about this crazy stuff that is going on in my head. I need to. I have been thinking about suicide. I think about it far too much, it can't be normal. I have no plans. Just thoughts. I feel sick.


I am so completely adhd.

I just got up, looked for my kitten's squeaky ball (it was under a dresser), and began playing with him. I was down on my hands and knees. Then I walked to the kitchen and looked at the dishes. Thought about doing them. Remembered I was typing a blog post. Sat back down. Here I am. Am I crazy? This is my life.

I have another test tomorrow. At eight in the freakin' morning. I'm getting up super early so I am "properly caffeinated," as quoted by my teacher. He's a funny one.

It looks like I'm skipping the talk. Better to be safe than sorry. I can't be around all that food. Not after I just ate. Fuck it. It's only been 5 hours since lunch and I just had to have the popc-- I won't even finish typing that evil, disgusting word.

The sun came out briefly, while I was in bed, I looked at it out the window a few times. I did not go outside. Thinking back, I could have taken a walk in the sunshine. What was I thinking? I ask myself this too much.
I am freaking T. out.

I am freaking me out.

Think thin, people. Let's not aid to the obesity epidemic.

Keep losing weight- it's good for you.

I'm happy it's March...spring is on the way.

Spring clothes; shorts, skirts, dresses, tank tops, bathing suits.
Will I be looking good? Will I be NOT feeling self-conscious in my skin?

I will be 120.
Short term goal: 125 by the end of March. Holding steady there for a couple weeks.
Then it's gonna be 120. Maybe by 4/20/2010 ...

... ha.

I'm serious though. Please, take me seriously. Hold me to this. I'm not fucking around anymore. If I fail at everything else (school, relationships, keeping house) than I might as well succeed at being skinny. It's my only choice. It's the only choice I want, actually. Because I'm scared of change. Hell, sometimes I think I'm scared of success.

Ok, a list before I go. I need to:
1. Do the dishes.
2. Clean the cat's litter area
3. STUDY!!!!! YOU HAVE A TEST IN THE MORNING, STUDY SAR!!
4. Pay a bill or two
5. FIND AN APARTMENT FOR THE SUMMER/FALL
6. Vaccuum
7. Sort laundry, but don't do it : ) Bring it home this weekend! : )
8. Send C's card!!
9. Omg. START PAPER TOMORROW...it is due friday. I can't start it tonight because I need to STUDY!
10. Exercise..do some lunges, you lazy slob. Or some situps, jumping jacks, wall pushups, stretching, or jogging in place.


There. My list feels complete. I can do all of this in the next two days, leaving the rest of the week to focus on my paper. I need to make school a priority instead of T. He cannot be my only reason for life. I do not want to be envisioning my right hand dragging a knife down my left arm. I don't want to go there. I need to do things for me. I need to get this shit done and restrict like crazy until it's a habit.

So this turned long and slightly therapeutic, although I still have this sick knot in my stomach and this pain and heavy ache in my chest, my heart.

I need a hug so badly. I need human contact. I am so alone. I hugged my cat,  he let me for a few seconds, but did not hug back. I need someone to love me.

I guess this is a good place to stop.