I'm in a lull!

Today is Friday and I am done with classes for over a week. I am glad about this but as I was walking through campus earlier today the lack of people and cars saddened me. There was an intense energy in the air, people are excited to go on their respective vacations for break. I am going nowhere, just home tomorrow for the weekend to see my family and do laundry. I am undecided about bringing the cat. I would have loved to go away but I probably wouldn't enjoy it to the fullest. I'd be thinking about the money I shouldn't be spending and my depression is still surrounding my actions so I truly believe I am better off here, holing up in my apartment next week, and meditating.

It is 4:39 in the afternoon and T. and I have texted a little. Here's something weird, I said I wouldn't talk to him until I saw him but when I went to work to get my check last night he came in to get his. I said "hi" and that's it until I texted him later. I went out with a friend, we went to two bars. I had smoked a blunt and chugged 2 glasses of wine before leaving. Of course I saw T. at the bar but ignored him. I was wasted so it is all pretty unclear but I recall him tapping on my shoulder as I walked by. I brushed him off, kept walking, stood outside and smoked a cigarette, alone. He came out, laughing and joking around with his friend's girlfriend...ugh. They sicken me. They were flirting so much, THAT I remember. And by flirting I mean touching. And hugging. What the fuck. She has a man (T.'s friend!!!) but is obviously playing him. Idk. Just leave T. alone, bitch.

Okay that is irrational. Anyway, I was smoking and they came out and didn't see me. I turned to face the wall and hide my quickly tearing up eyes. They walked away, and the life was sucked out of me. I eventually made it home and made a box of organic whole wheat and white cheddar cheese. I ate it all, the total was 650 calories. I needed something, I had been drinking on my empty stomach and couldn't walk without the spins. How I managed to boil water without burning this place down is a mystery.

Then breakfast was oatmeal, lunch was a veggie-filled salad (no dressing), broccoli, and soy crisps. A lot of soy crisps, but dang they're good. I am at my calorie limit for the day which is fine because I am too exhausted to eat but have to work in two hours. I'll be there until midnight so no food left today : ) That makes me smile.

I got my paper back, the one I turned in two days late. He put my "original" grade and grade with late points docked. I initially had a 38/50 or C but my "real" grade is 32/50 or D+.

Fuck it. I suck at school. I am not going to sweat it, at least I turned something in.

I did see T. this morning, before class. I was going to the cafe on campus to get coffee, and he was there, sitting at a table with at least four girls. Just him + girls. Oh my god why did this bother me? I am sure they were just studying or something, but in such a casual setting? There had to be one in the group that he has his eye on. I bet.

I'm depressing myself and can't imagine what I'm doing to you.

The weather has been decent here, finally getting in the 40's and 50's. I need to get some spring clothes asap. All of my hoodies and shirts are from at least 5 years ago. It's nice that I can wear them, I guess, at least I haven't blown up like a balloon, like some girls from high school. But either way it is all old and out of fashion. The problem is that today's styles kind of suck. Or maybe it's just this small town I am currently in...there is a serious lack of stores and no mall. Not even a Target. I just want to dress nice.

Have a good one, all!

Think thin : )