Eyes off me.

I woke up in a nasty mood. I'm just pissed off. It might be because the attention is NOT on me, it's on my sister and her new baby. They're all coming here tomorrow, for a long weekend visit. I am really excited, truly...it's been awhile since I've seen my sister and her husband and I've NEVER seen the new baby...but today I'm mad.

So what do I do? Blog. And I just put on "Shakedown Street" by the Grateful Dead. I'm still coughing my lungs out, and that really sucks. How ladylike, how classy of me, to be hacking up a lung every ten minutes in the morning. Maybe I should drink something, maybe I should eat....HAHA JOKE.

Like eating would help a goddamn thing. I hate fucking food. I ate last night, it's becoming a tradition. I wait until everyone goes to bed, because no one can know I eat, and then I go binge, essentially.
Last night it was a veggie burger with lettuce and mustard on a sandwich thin. I'm sorry, but those Arnold Sandwich Thins that everyone keeps raving about just taste like chalk to me.
Chalky chalk.
But I ate it anyway, and then got some cereal and scarfed that down, quickly, so no one knows or hears.
Then I ate an apple and a banana.
Full yet? Nope, not hardly. This was at two in the morning.

So then I got creative; I cut an ice cream sandwich in half and put both halves in a bowl. Then I topped it with a spoonful of creamy peanut butter. Finally, I added some chocolate syrup and smashed it all together, and my goodness, it was good. But so fattening. But then I was done. Full. Satiated.

Well not really, I started chewing gum like crazy until I was tired enough to contemplate sleeping. And so I slept, tossing and turning, with sexual dreams. That's right. In my dream I was getting freaky with a sexy, BUILT black man. It was hot, I'm not going to lie. I woke to my brother calling me from work, freaking out because he didn't have his cell phone.
I guess that put me in a bad mood.

Also, I've gained. (Obviously, you're saying, because one cannot binge without gaining). I stepped on the scale when I woke and it said 133.

Kill

Me

Now


!!!!!



What the fuck happened to my will power??

What the fuck is wrong with me? I was blaming the weight gain on my period, but now that's done so there's no excuse for me.
I hate me.

I will do my best to RESTRICT LIKE MAD this weekend. All eyes should be OFF me, so hopefully it'll be easy. I just can't fucking wait to move. I want to be alone.

Avoidance.

I've been avoiding you, but not the mirror. The mirror tells me secrets, the mirror yells at me to stop being so fat, the mirror is my lover and enemy; you, however, are just a box of lies.

Last night I bought a necklace and got drunk at a carnival. Today I took a walk and a nap.

I am almost done with being on my period. I cannot believe how bloated I get/how many pounds creep up on me. I despise thee, mother nature, for giving me this womanly blessing. I loathe thee, abdomen, for this wrenching and twisting pain. I thank thee, body, for killing my appetite lately, because we (body and soul) know that food is the real enemy. Food is to be avoided at all costs.

And on that note, here are my *safe foods*:
watermelon, apples, bananas. cherries, blueberries, strawberries. carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, red/green/orange peppers, brussel sprouts, green beans, corn, beans, squash, onions. lentil/minestrone soup, cottage cheese, whole wheat toast, orange juice with ice, hot tea. 


AVOID cheese, frozen foods, crackers, meat, creamy ANYTHING, ice cream, RICE, NOODLES, waffles, syrup, cereal, butter.

I might be forgetting things, but I have just been trying to stick with the basics. And sticking with the basics works.
I don't know where I read it, but cottage cheese on fucking toast is GOOD!!!!

And very low fat.

I have hung out with the admirer a couple of times and must conclude that he is not for me. I am far too scared to partake in anything serious, and he wants to get serious. Dilemma. I miss T. T. has a girlfriend. I am stupid.

I bought laxative tea today. Time to brew a cup.

I sincerely hope you are thinking thin.

Please..

Tonight was not good. I went shopping and bought cute clothes, the tops were size small (ok this is good but read on). Then I stopped at a little gas station, close to home, and bought a pint of ice cream. I came home, ate the ice cream, wasn't full. So I made a peanut butter and banana sandwich on 2 slices of whole wheat bread. Ate that. Still wasn't full. I opened the pantry and stood there for awhile, scarfing down cashews. Grabbed the ass end of some chips and ate those too.
Now I sit here, uncomfortably full and hating myself all over again. This binge was kind of a surprise to me. I was not really expecting it. But did I really think I'd be able to eat ice cream and not want to indulge more after my spoon scraped the bottom of the pint? I suppose I did. I suppose I wasn't thinking at all about the consequences.
Now I just want to puke. But I really shouldn't, it's so bad for me :(
Should I?
Help :(



--Edit--
(twenty-five minutes later)

I went to the bathroom and stuck my fingers down my throat and puked up a lot of liquid. I forced myself to stop after fifteen minutes of torture. I feel slightly better, but really only *slightly*.
My punishment will be STRICT RESTRICTION tomorrow along with EXERCISE.
Because I refuse to get fat. I just bought clothes sized small, I'm not going to be too fat to wear them!
I have no idea how many calories I puked out but even if it was only 100, then I could be satisfied. Because that is 100 less in me. Mirror check, brb.
Oh man, it's so sad how I look in the mirror and see a flatter stomach and little hip bones after a puking. I'm sorry, I'm disgusting. I just hope I wake up and feel a little better. Wow, I can't believe I spent $4.50 on that stupid ice cream just to throw it up. Serves me right. Will I ever learn?

tHiNk tHin . .

<3

Rainy Tuesday.

The movie "Dirty Dancing" never gets old. I think every girl wants her own sexy Patrick Swayze. I know I do. Damn he looks super fine in that movie.

So I'm sitting here watching the house while two men install a new garage door. Exciting. One of them looks real good, but I'm too shy to talk to him. I'm bored. It's 2:30 in the afternoon but I haven't ate yet. Only tea and water.
I am about to get my period so of course I'm nice and bloated. I'll flush it out with some Midol. I'm just currently sick (I know, right? Who get's sick in the summer? Moi) and already taking some decongestant. I don't like mixing pills so I'll wait on the Midol until later today or tomorrow. It always takes care of bloating around this time.
I stayed up until five in the morning, doing nothing, just online reading and checking blogger every ten minutes for comments, because I'm a loser like that. Lol.

Just smoked a cig with the hottie outside, ahh nicotine. Haven't had one since Saturday so that was nice...my body thanked me for the little kick it just gave me. Addiction is so bittersweet.

Well I don't have too much to say other than I am just bored and hungry. I need a life, man. Oh that's right, I have one, I AM living. So I suppose that's good.

Take care, readers, if you're there.

Love and peace to you.

Go back.

I am inviting you to read a post from last June. I found out a friend of mine died and that is when this blog officially changed from an every-once-in-awhile musing place to a daily rant against society and the self.


Check it out, read awhile. I was a little more poetic last year.

The first day.

Sunday Insanity.

I don't want to type this out but I have to. Tonight, after everyone left the house and I was alone with Mia, I made oven-baked french fries. While they were cooking I walked on the treadmill until I burned exactly 100 calories. I ate them, I dipped them in high fructose corn syrup aka ketchup. And then I puked until I tasted bile.

I'm sick in the head and want to be stoned. I will smoke after my parents go to bed. I will not eat for the rest of this night or even tomorrow because food makes me sick. Scratch that, I make me sick.

I feel my stomach fucking grumbling. It's empty, the way it should be. But fuck you stomach. You suck.
2 times in 1 day, am I really doing this again?

This is only the beginning. I've lost weight in the past year (since I started purging) and I will continue to lose weight. Why? Because losing weight makes me feel good. Being skinny is all I need right now. It's the only goal worth accomplishing at the moment. Once I'm content with my weight maybe I'll focus on my brain. Maybe.

Those fries tasted like shit, I couldn't even taste them because my sinuses are so clogged; I can't breathe or smell. I am glad they're gone, down the toilet they go. Bye fries.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels <3

Thin is in.

Think thin before every bite.

Oops, I threw up again. This morning. With a concerned mom making me tea and waiting on me, I lounged on the couch, secretly thrilled that I puked up the disgusting food that I ate last night when I got home from a bar. I hate eating. I hate food. I hate being full. Well, it's a love/hate kind of thing.
Anyway.

My esophagus burns and my stomach is tangled up in knots, but I'm alright. Last night was fun, despite the fact that I've felt sick all weekend. I like how I've been restricting and throwing up. It's a bad combination, you're probably inclined to think...but I REFUSE to be anything less than stick thin. My body can't handle when I eat, clearly, so I must GET RID OF IT!

And since I have yet to hop back on the treadmill (*blush*), I might as well keep doing what I'm doing.

I compare my body to others constantly. In magazines, on tv, in real life. Every woman has a different shaped body, which is wonderful, beautiful, blah blah. I don't care about them. As long as I'm thinner than EVERYONE I meet than I'm good!

I have been so busy as of late. Reading for my summer class, hanging with old friends, bonding with my mom occasionally, smoking (!), NOT working...Ok, so I'm a bum. But a busy bum.

Love ya'll. Please comment telling me to WORK OUT!!!!!!!!

I NEED your encouragement...it's refuels me, in place of food.

fuck food.

think thin :)

THINK THIN : )

THINK FUCKING THIN!!!


OH, yeah...THINK THIN!!!


because thinking thin puts you on the path to skinny. think thin before every bite. think thin when there is temptation in the form of cookies. think thin everyday. think thin for life.

it's healthy, after all, to be thin.
so there.

*xo*

-Sar-

((feeling a little crazy today, eh?))

Mad Ana.

How many times a night am I going to check Blogger? I love your comments - they're my obsession. They make me tick.

I didn't speak with my parents at all after dinner, well actually there was a brief altercation with my mom. I told her it wasn't acceptable (what my dad was saying/how he was acting). I told her to be a role model.

I'm sort of regretting it now, 8 hours later. I am 23 years old. Can I really judge what is acceptable and what is not in a marriage? I feel like I can't, but I want to say that I can.
It's not that I am smarter than her. I just have intuition.

I use "just" a LOT in my writing.

Just realized : )

Look, my throat hurts. I am stressed. I am debating on whether or not to go to this outdoor reception tomorrow. I feel sick. My stomach feels sick and full because about an hour ago I cracked open a can of refried beans. I made a bean burrito and a bean taco. I also snacked on some crackers and hummus (2 or 3 servings). I feel gross. I was doing good but this thing with my parents has got me so sad. And mad. And aggravated.

I can't WAIT to move out. Did I tell you I found a place to live? I. Can. Not. Wait.

August.

Death becomes her.

think thin.

***edit.

[i just want to puke so bad so bad so bad]

Family drama.

Disruption around the dinner table tonight. My dysfunctional family paves the way for my mental fucking illness and disordered eating. My father is a perfect example of what I'll never be, I hate that I am compared to him. What an asshole.

Here's what happened: my mom made dinner (2 seperate pans: mine was 3 spinach, feta, potato pirogies, brussel sprouts, and a chopped tofurkey; theirs was the rest of the pirogies, brussel sprouts, and a chopped italian sausage). Yes it might sound like a weird combo, but it was really delicious.

Anyway. My dad hates veggies, ALL OF THEM and won't open his mind, EVER. So we sit down, he complains about the brussel sprouts that were sauteed with the rest and rudely fills his bowl with only meat and pirogies. He slices open a pirogie, sees that it's not the usual potato and cheese, and says, "I'm not eating this, there's broccoli in this!" My mom said, "it's not broccoli, it's feta and spices." (she wasn't lying, there was no spinach in those babies). He basically freaked out, went and dumped them back in the pan, grabbed pretzels from the pantry, and sat back down with sausage and pretzels.

Now, my father is obese. He needs veggies and fruit. He is over 60. He obviously doesn't give two shits about his health and it's a large source of contention in our home.
So, my mom is sitting there, hurt. She keeps glancing at me, as I stare out the window, disgusted. My father says, "I work all day and expect something good for dinner, blah blah, I hate this, if it was up to me I would spend $30/week on take-out and be fine."

At this point I open my mouth, and exclaim, "wow you're so rude. you're not the only one who worked today, mom did too. this looks and tastes delicious. these pirogies taste like every other pirogie i've ever had- good! And eating take-out every day will put you on a fast track to a heart attack, that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard."

My mom says, "you could start planning the meals."
My dad says, "absolutely not!"

At this point I just stood up and took my dish into my bedroom, where I now sit. It just got nasty, REAL FAST, and I can not get over how rude my asshole father was and how hurt and meek my mom acted.

I am sick of them. If they're so unhappy then just get a freakin' divorce. At this point I'd be happy if they did.

In other news, the scale FINALLY dropped to 129 today.

I did eat dinner, but I am not too worried about it.

I can fast when and if I need.

Think thin*

Grateful.

I fasted the entire day. Then I went to the bar and drank. Then I came home and puked. I feel good.

Good and bad.

I will be thin.

xo

Think thin.

Skinny babe.

Thanks everyone.. it's great for my ego to read such nice compliments : ) If only I could see myself through the eyes of an outsider. My hateful eyes see what is negative and ugly about me.

I am chilling alone at three thirty AM and smoking a little while having a ridiculous text conversation with *the admirer*. I almost just want to refer to him as that, but I won't be so demeaning. He is J.

ST, you asked how we met? Well it's rather strange...he bartends at this small, eclectic bar five minutes from my parents house. I've known who he is for a few years, maybe two. We never really talked until a few weeks ago, when I moved back home. He is older than me and the bar is his family's business. He lives above it. He probably sounds like a loser and maybe he is, but I don't get that vibe. I think he is smart and down to earth. Of course, my taste in guys is totally skewed.

I'm thirsty, hang on a minute, will ya?

I'm back, with water. Yum. Water and ice, make me thin and nice. Just kidding - I am so moody when I'm hungry. 

Back to J. He is my height, with a cute babyface, and VERY skinny. He laughs easily and is very talkative. Tonight he sent me a video of him singing a song about me. It was all very weird, and yet I am attracted to his boldness. I would honestly love to post the video on here, oh my god, you'd all get a good laugh, I'm sure. But again, I need to respect this dude and not make such a joke out of him! 

What is wrong with me? I have a dude vying for my attention and I'm acting all hard to get. I'm acting like I'm better then him. I'm repulsed with myself and even more mad at him for daring to break my steely reserve. I am guarded, damn it! And you are NOT getting in. Or getting to me.

Ugh, men. Ugh, me.

I am so...what, exactly? I am a mess, that's for sure. My food habits are ridiculous. Today really wasn't awful, could have went worse. I'm not going to bother posting what I ate because now that I look at the clock that was officially yesterday and I am free for now! My stomach is empty and that's the way I like it. Stupid food.

Must. Not. Eat.

Food sucks. 

Think thin!

Skinny chick in a slamming dress! I want it!

I need to go shopping soo bad. I miss my old wardrobe, damn fire. 

Well it's as good of an excuse as any to REBUILD!

Tomorrow I think I will go clothes shopping.

I had to repost this. She is severely skinny and I like it!

I want that.

I will be that skinny.

Oh wow, I just noticed her ribs on the side of her dress. Oh, so, gorgeous.

BoNeS are BeAuTiFuL!

((when did i become so cliche?))

Think thin, you gorgeous thin person, you!

xo- Sar

Eat, run, puke...

Enough said.

I'm in a danger zone. I hate puking but I hate the way food sits in my stomach. Today I woke up and had breakfast/lunch (you decide, it was 2 pm) (some veggie lasagna [290 cal], watermelon [50], some organic blue corn chips with melted cheese [350] - gross, fat pig, disgusting trainwreck, obese tub of lard), walked and ran on my parent's treadmill for about twenty minutes [burnt exactly 200 calories then quit-I'm out of shape], and lastly, calmly walked to the bathroom and stuck my fingers down my throat and threw up red watermelon and maybe some lasagna. God damn I'm fucking losing it.

And so that's it. I like puking because it hurts my throat and my stomach and now I won't dare eat anything else. What I think I'll do is shower and go shopping. This should keep me occupied to approximately nine tonight, when I'll come back home and read.

I liked hitting up the treadmill today, now that I know how easy it is to use I will be accessing it daily. I just watched music videos and the time flew by, but I have smoker's lungs and I was practically dying...I kept it up as long as possible but luckily the commotion just made my stomach ready for purging.

Sorry this is so graphic. I'm a mess.

T. is officially "In a relationship with J." on Facebook. Remember T.? I'm sure you do...he's a bastard and I hope their sex life is SHIT and that SHE dumps HIM !!!

I'm so cold, such a cold-hearted bitch.

But not everyone thinks so. I even have an *admirer*...this dude J. who has been sending me sweet emails. Well whatever, it's flattering, even though I barely know him. He has good grammar and a nice way with words, which I obviously appreciate (English major/geeky me)...so we'll see...maybe I'll give him a chance, maybe I won't. Either way I clearly still want T.

Even more so now that he's taken.

I'm sure you can relate to that.

Think thin.

Here's another pic of me, taken at the same time as the other one I posted:

Stay skinny, lovelies...

xo~Sar

Silver lining on a dark weekend.

The good news is, after I wrote that last post I purged in the bathroom without caring that my mother and brother were in the next room.
*I'm glad I did it. If I only result to purging in extreme circumstances (today-panic b/c of last night) than I know I have control over it.*
The other good news is that I ate nothing for the rest of the day, because it is now after twelve (my marker of the day) and I just got home from blazing and playing cards with some friends.
* I am rereading "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher and I love it; it feels like an old friend.*

The bad news is that I just ate a fifty calorie Fiber One yogurt. I weighed myself as soon as I got home...130. Wavering steady. When will I break back into the 120's? How about this week?

I thank you for your support and want you to know that binges of such epic proportion (last night) will NEVER happen again because ice cream is not even that good and I just don't give a fuck. I am a thin girl and I WILL BE THINNER!!

So think thin, thanks for reading, and remind ME to think thin.

Thanks, xo

Binge City

Ugh, how can I talk so much shit and yet stuff my face when the house is quiet and I'm all alone? I hate the fact that my head has two conflicting forces...one says, "Don't eat, fatass...food sucks. You're not even hungry, duh!" and the other says, "No one is watching, I have money, I want french fries; I want ice cream. I'm a pig!". And you know who won last night? THE FAT ASS PIG THAT LIVES IN MY BODY!

God help me. I went to the store last night and bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, a box of Raisinets, and a box of Kashi "whole grain" crackers. I wasn't. even. hungry.

I ripped open the Raisinets in the car and poured them into my mouth as I drove, barely tasting the chocolate, reasoning with myself that they would make me shit. I ate about half the box (200 cal) and then came home and secretly snagged a spoon from the kitchen and tore into the ice cream. I devoured about three quarters of the pint (750 calories) and then threw it away. Then I busted out the crackers. I didn't stop to breathe as I shoved them into my mouth, while mindlessly staring at the computer screen. I stopped when I hit the bottom. I didn't want to finish the box but I was damn close (600 cal). I finally looked up, stood up, looked in the mirror, hated what I saw, and proceeded to beat myself up internally for a few hours.

And then I made french fries in the oven, and dipped those motherfuckers in lots of ketchup (600 cal). I passed out with a straining stomach and no will to live. I tossed and turned and had nightmares. I woke today, prepared to starve. But did I?
No. For lunch I had a Tofurkey beer brat with lettuce and mustard on one slice of whole wheat bread.

That was it until...ten minutes ago, when I ate the rest of the crackers and Raisinets. I am a fatass failure and want to die.

Binges suck. This was a loneliness binge and IT SUCKS AND I SUCK AND I AM SO FAT!! You saw my stomach, you're obviously not commenting because you now know that I AM A FRAUD! How dare I preach "think thin" to people WHEN I FUCKING CAN'T?????

I hate ME!

I am chewing gum now, like a madwoman. I don't know what to do...actually I do. I need to exercise my ASS OFF!

I am pushing away friends and declining invitations to chill/party so I can stay home and eat?? What The Fuck Is That??

I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A picture of me.

My nails are so brittle, last night someone accidentally stepped on my toe and my toenail broke right in half. Funny thing is, the same thing happened last week. Just on my other toe. So now I have two broken big toenails, after a lifetime of never having this happen. I'm always cold. It is summer and every night I have put on a sweatshirt and socks and turned the heat on in my car and huddled under blankets in bed, only to wake, covered in sweat.

Today my Dad asked me if I wanted a sub, from Subway. Actually he asked if I wanted a "veggie thing" - lol Dad...anyway I said no, "because I had a fast food bean burrito last night." He goes, "You're not going to eat because you ate yesterday?" HA! Now you understand!! So I just said I don't like take-out two days in a row, either way I am proud of my strength.

I have ate today, though. I had an apple for breakfast (45 cal). Some organic blue corn chips with melted cheese & salsa for lunch (450 cal). A "tofurkey" beer brat on one slice of whole wheat toast with lettuce and mustard for dinner (330). And that's fucking it. Total? 825. Not fucking terrible, and I am guessing high on the calorie counts, like always...

It's too much though. But again, I drank. Last night I downed some beers at this local carnival. I went with friends. It was fun. But drinking ZAPS my energy, and makes me so hungry. I hate it and I love it. Needless to say, before I DROVE home (I'm a bad, bad girl for drinking/driving), I stopped at this taco place and grabbed some munchies. And you know? It was damn good. AND I woke SKINNY!!!!

Love when that happens :)

Restriction pays off.
But I must say, it also hurts. My poor brittle nails. My frozen self. My hair falling out whenever I touch it or comb it. My pale skin. My hip bones, my clavicle, my ribs, my wrists, ankles, knees...I love bones. Who am I kidding? I can deal with all of this. I just want to be thin.

I take two gummy vitamins everyday. I load up on veggies and fruit because I like the taste and because they are so low cal. I need to do more though, to be thinner.
*************************************************

Wanna see a poor-quality picture of MOI taken with my cell phone?

This is the FIRST TIME EVER that I'll post a REAL picture of me!!

It's just a side shot, taken a couple days ago. I keep pictures of me on the background of my cell phone for thinspiration. I just open my phone, gasp at the horror, and put down the cookie. Ha, here I am:

It's awful, I know. My right arm looks HUMONGOUS!! And my belly is sticking out like whoa. But whatevs, now you *kinda* know who you're reading about. Some brunette in blue, with a fat stomach.

Judge me.

and Think Thin!!

xo

Empty Eyes, Eat Less...

No I don't want to try the new template designer- I hate change.

Not true, tonight I straightened my hair and it is soo long! I like :)

My stomach feels sick right now. Today:
B- plain lowfat yogurt with blueberries- 100 cal
L- oven-baked french fries with ketchup- 500 cal
D- Amy's low sodium brown rice/veggie bowl- 340
And later, some chocolate- 330

Total? 1270 for the day.

Not terrible, but no good. And last night before bed I had a veggie burger and some cheese pizza pockets, so I'll add another 500 cal to the day, for my REAL fatass total. 1770.

At least it's under 2000, shit.

It is quarter before one in the morning, and pretty soon I'll be leaving for the bar, yet again. All I do these days is drink real late with my good friend. She works late, so it works out like that. It's fine though, not like I fall asleep before dawn anyway.

I blew some money tonight at Wally World, ahh, it feels good to spend on frivolous shit.
Whatevs, I needed the hair straightener (other was lost in the fire) and I grabbed my Dad a card for Father's Day which is coming up on Sunday. Well no shit, I just glanced at my calendar and saw that it is not this Sunday, but next. Way to be prepared, Sar.

Tomorrow I am going to the city with my other friend S. We are going to dance our booties off at a show. I look forward to the exercise. I will restrict all day, obviously, so I look my best. I am on the prowl. I want to kiss someone. Or fall in love <3

Who am I kidding?

I need to love myself before I can love another, blahblahblahblah. Tis true though. And I DO NOT love myself, not hardly. I can see it happening, maybe, in the future. But today? Nah.

I really can't write/type/blog now. I am keyed up and stressin'.

I just want to mellow out, maybe I'll grab a smoke before I go.

Think thin, people. You only get one body, make it a beautiful, sculpted one.

Nothing will ever taste as good as thin feels. [this one is SO true - live by it]

Empty is strong.

xo

She is so perfect, what a tiny belly.

This last one cracks me up. You guys hear about this? It was from Urban Outfitters, but some citizens were angered by the "anorexia-promoting" message, so it got pulled from the website. I think the color is bland and I would never personally wear it, but I am certainly NOT offended. It's fashion...I guess. I am more offended by men in super tight jeans.

What do you think?

Fat girls.

It is so evil to Facebook-stalk girls from my college that I know. They ARE getting FAT and IT makes ME happy!

Dumb bitches...stop eating so much, and really, if you are going to stuff your face every day, please don't post pictures of your fat self. It makes me sick. Actually, continue doing it...I've lost my appetite. I could puke a little.

Oh man I am so happy I am not *fat like them* ... I am skinnier. I am succeeding at starving this summer. I will return for my last semester of college looking MODEL THIN!!!!!!!!!1

Oh, joy.
I wish I could be happy.
What is it like to smile?
What is it like to cry?

I am numb.

and thin.

and I wouldn't have it any other way...


Think thin**

Masquerade.

Greetings, earthlings..
Today was busy, but not horrible. I like being on the move. I slept for maybe five hours before all the action. I had to go to the place where my brother got my mother's car towed (long story, he's still young and stupid...aren't we all?). I attended a baby shower. I went (grocery) shopping with my mother. Luckily, she has been more willing to buy healthy stuff. And more willing to listen to me! Because I am an EXPERT on what is good and bad and safe. Just kidding, I am really interested though.

Speaking of food, I ate decently today, including at the shower. We all know it's easy to overeat at events like that... I had salad with the tiniest amount of dressing (I just put it on for show, I couldn't even taste it), chopped fruit (not too much), 1 small red potato (it was chilling in a pool of something-probably butter, but it was quite tiny), 1/2 cup of ziti with a zesty red sauce, and green beans (also soaking in a unidentified substance, damn it).

I was actually proud of myself. No second helpings, small portions...yeah!! Go me! BUT (and there's always a but) I had a small slice of frosted cake. They also gave me ice cream in a seperate dish which I didn't touch...

Ok, continuing with the food diary:

Breakfast was 2 slices of whole wheat toast w/ "I can't believe it's not butter!" - I needed something substantial to ensure I didn't overeat at the baby shower...and it worked. Gotta remember that.

Lunch was the stuff I mentioned up there^^.

Dinner was a salad with some cheese & dressing, a string cheese, bbq chips (holy hell I'm addicted), & then a couple hours later I had an egg salad sandwich on 2 MORE pieces of whole wheat bread. With a slice of cheese & lettuce.
I need to chill with the cheese.

I'm gross. That is A TON!

I just got up to look in the mirror (it is 11 at night) and I want you to know that I look fat. I hate my stomach. I don't see how other parts of my body can look decent but my tummy has to stick out. Especially after I eat.

Ok, in my defense, I did drink last night. I went out to the club and was dancing and barely ate at all yesterday so clearly my body was trying to play catch up. And I'm a bad, bad girl for allowing this to happen.

Drinking depletes nutrients and electrolytes. I wanted to restore them today. So I did. And now I pay the price: I am STILL hungry but terrified to eat.

*Sigh*

Think thin people.

Because fat people suck.

Oh the obesity I witnessed at the shower today. People are disgusting and the fat girls went for seconds and their shirts were tight with rolls available for the world to see.

Don't be like them.

Just restrict.

Masquerade by Joshua Panda

^I just needed to save this awesome song b/c it tends to disappear from myspace ^

Rage!

My mom told me I "verbally abuse" her.

How am I supposed to take that? I feel bad...I just can't change. I am miserable and taking it out on whoever is around. What a bitch I am.

In other news, yesterday was one long binge.

Today: 1 tofurky beer brat on 1 slice of whole wheat bread with mustard and lettuce. 1 slice of watermelon.

I feel fat because I AM FAT!

Fat and bitchy.

Ugh when will this self-loathing end? I suppose I am in charge of all that. I just have too many loose ends, STILL. The god damn fire really put a damper on my life. Fuck you fire. Fuck you girl that started it. FUCK YOU WORLD!!!!!!!!

**

Last night I bought a new digital camera. Progress pics coming soon.
Today (in one hour) I am going to the mall with my friend.

How do you deal with anger? I need some ideas.


Think thin (:

Chasing falls.

I am fucked in the head and scared and sad. Yesterday was good. Yesterday I did some volunteer work, and my pay was a tshirt, water bottle, and free entry to a concert. Today I've already cried and screamed and fought with B. (ex-bf). We were friends. Now we are not. It's too bad that we piss each other off every minute. We kissed on Friday and have been fighting every day since then. We just push each other's buttons and can hurt one another really easily. It's fucked up.

Yesterday was good. I pushed myself. I challenged myself. It paid off. I was feeling SO good. Today I am miserable and want purpose. I had purpose yesterday; today there is none. I want to feel good everyday. This bipolar shit is killing me. I do not know for sure if I am bipolar, or just super moody, but either way my brain is fucking with my emotions.

Right now I am smoking in my bedroom at my parent's house. I am disgusted by their mere presence at times. Today is one of those times. I don't bother hiding the contempt in my voice. I don't bother smiling. I am not working, just living off them, and I am acting like a brat. Or I AM a brat. I don't know.

I want to think I am good. I'd like to think that I don't suck ALL the time. I try to be nice to strangers, children, and animals. For some reason though, when it comes to those I care for, I act like a fool.

All this acting... I should be an actress.

Maybe today I'll spend some money on something material.

I am so scared sometimes.
Last night I dreamed of a dead relative..a younger cousin. I miss her. My dreams scare the fuck out of me. She is there, with her family (who are all still living), and I am there, and I KNOW she's dead, I am aware of this and yet it's happening, we are all there and I am waiting. Waiting for the noise and visual affects that announce her departure. She always leaves, and I'm sad, and then I wake. Reflective. Melancholic.

I have craved pancakes the past few mornings. Ha. Who am I kidding, I don't wake until after noon. Ahem. My point is that I haven't made them. Screw pancakes with their carbs and sugar. Screw syrup in all of its cornstarch and artificial flavor "glory". I can't believe it, really, I even pulled the box out. I was mentally preparing myself to cook (lol) and decided, "fuck it, I don't need these."

Oh, and I have gained weight since moving home, I AM POSITIVE! I was around 127 when I moved home. Now?? 130.

What the fuck??

There is a digital scale here so of course I weigh myself several times a day. It's sad.

I need to keep restricting - how appropriate. My phone alarm just went off, haha, for what you ask?
It says "Don't eat." to me everyday :) I love it. Just started that and I do believe it's working. At least for yesterday and today. Food intake hasn't been terrible.

Nothing today and it's just about three in the afternoon. Help me stay strong, please.

Think thin. All day. All night.

I took this picture.

Take care of yourself.

Peace.

xo.

Tonight's truth.

BBQ chips are beyond gross and I indulged tonight. I ate about three servings (1 serving is 15 chips/150 cal) So that's about 450 disgusting calories too much. At a bar I drank two tall vodka-sodas and ingested probably 400 liguid calories, unnecessary drinking is fucking stupid, why did I suggest that?

I dated a guy once who lived in another state. Basically across the country, but, we tried it. I went there. He came here. Whatever, it was five years ago. I was 18.

I got a text from him tonight. His number wasn't even in my phone, but he was in town. Did I want to see him?
I looked down and felt too fat to go.

So I ignored his text for 40 minutes and took a quick nap. I opened my eyes, reached for my phone, and texted him back.
"Let's meet for a drink."   (a drink? MISTAKE. b/c drinks make me FAT)
And so we did. It was interesting. Five years is a LONG time, and you guys know a little about my life. It's been nuts for years. My early twenties have been volatile. Needless to say, we filled each other in, as best we could given the circumstances (time being of the essence; he leaves at the crack of dawn). I enjoyed myself, he paid for the drinks. He is doing good. He is a pilot...he owns a small plane, and lives in an airplane hangar.

WTF.

That is so, unbelievably...hot.



Five years and his face is the same. He has the beginnings of an accent (he's lived out there for 6 years) and he is still exactly my same height.
That's the weirdest, worst? thing.
I like my men tall.

He is my height. And yet, when we were sitting and standing it didn't bother me. It didn't feel any different when we hugged...it was like hugging a girlfriend, just really up close and personal.
He is very handsome.

Just...short. It sucks that I care.
Oh shit, what am I even thinking. He is leaving in six hours.

It was good to see him.

Very good.

____________


On the other hand,

I am a fat pig for binging on those bbq chips when I got home from the bar. It's just that the lonesomeness started rising. Up and up until I'm reaching for food. It surrounds me, it glows puke green and my eyes glaze and the haze all over makes it easier to hide my grazing, for I am truly a cow in a pasture, feasting on filth before the butcher.

Gross.

I feel gross.
Thinspo0:

Think thin*