Don't rain on my parade

I've been up since five-forty five and have only had 360 calories. Not too bad. It's almost three in the afternoon and I'm going to campus soon, then to a friends house, then to work to get my paycheck (and visit J.). Then I'll be home. A home with no junk food is a home I'm happy in. But I'm starving, and feeling bitchy.

My teeth hurt. I've got an appointment with the big D. on Saturday. That's right, the Dentist. Goody for me. I only hope he says nothing about their enamel. I really hope no embarrassing E.D talks come up. Fuck you, Mr. Just clean them and fill them and we'll be good. It sucks that I have to do this when I'm home visiting with my sister and baby nephew, but whatevs. That's my luck.

I skipped two classes today. I am doing horrible in school. I took a test this week that I surely failed. I've got 5/10 on two quizzes. I'm supposed to graduate in December but I'll tell you all my big secret: I forgot to register for graduation. Greattttt. How was I supposed to know that had to be done the first week of school? My advisor did not tell me! I've never graduated from a university, how the fuck was I supposed to take care of this? 

Initiative. You're right. I should have taken some initiative and found out for myself. I'm a failure.

I don't feel necessarily fat today, just a little bloated. The good news is that my jeans are too baggy, so I actually put them in the hot dryer for a while to shrink them. The bad news is that I'm still not happy with my body.

I can't seem to do anything but sit around and smoke weed. I spent $90 on my hair yesterday (wash, cut, highlights) and I'm feeling some buyer's remorse today. I had no business spending that money. I've been spending spending spending like crazy. I do not live within my means. I spend like I'm rich. I buy things like I don't care or need to worry about money. It's bad.

Because I still don't have enough. I am still not satisfied with my wardrobe. I do not have a winter coat, which is horrible because of where I live. I do not have winter boots. I resent my parents, siblings, friends... hell, I resent myself.

I need a fix because I'm going down. (J.L. always knows).

Oh, how I despise myself today! I thought I'd be feeling so happy because of my hair and because this week is nearing an end. But I don't. I feel morose, moody, mentally unstable... 

Tonight my friend and I are going out to a bar where T.'s band is playing. They're actually good, but why the fuck do I want to support him? He won't even be my friend. I don't give a rat's ass about him. But I like music. I especially like listening to live music.

Being in between a rock and a hard place sucks.

Well I should probably stop blogging, get off my ass, put some pants on, drive to school, and freaking learn.

This pic was on zette's blog but I love it so I'm resposting it:

I want to be her. 

Think thin.

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Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

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Food

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xo~Sar