Butterflies instead of food in my stomach

I've been avoiding you again. So much has been happening; the idea of "forcing" myself to sit down and write just hasn't been appealing lately. It's Sunday night. My first day of full-time work starts tomorrow, bright and early. It's going to be a big change. Change is necessary and a reliable constant in all of our lives. Knowing that won't ease the fear, though.

I need to get to bed in the next hour so I can function tomorrow. Do I not sound excited about this?

I am happy and thankful for work, especially full-time. Monday through Friday. 8 in the morning to 4:30 in the afternoon. I can do this. The job is actually in my field. Imagine that, a job pertaining to my college major. In my area. And I got it, I really fucking got the job. They were impressed with me (their words, not mine).

I can't update with confidence until after tomorrow. I need to see how this is going to go. I am NERVOUS but EXCITED and I've been eating my feelings this weekend. Isn't that gross?

Needless to say, I'm feeling a little tubby. That will change as quickly as possible, obviously. I can't live like this. I need to restrict and occasionally fast. I need to TONE UP. I need to exercise more. I need to NOT EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. Today's intake was normal, but I still feel so...disgusting. I suppose a lot of it has to do with my state of mind.

I have to tell you something. If you're a long time reader this initial will seem familiar: T.

T. texted me last night. He is in College Town still, he graduates in a month. We haven't seen each other or talked in ages. Out of the blue I get this message from him, of course my heart flipped upside down and my face flushed and I couldn't breathe or respond or articulate exactly what I was feeling to anyone, let alone myself. He has such an affect on me. My first thought? He still has my phone number.


The "reason" for his text was that he was apparently at a bar and there was a girl that looked like me, my "doppleganger". So he was compelled to reach out and we texted some simple flirty nothings back and forth for a bit. Approximately 22 messages (yes I counted) were sent all together.

I haven't heard from him today (OBVIOUSLY SAR) but I just had to mention it to you.

I DON'T NEED A DISTRACTION, DAMMIT.

God, but I still love him. I'd do anything for him. He probably doesn't know, so don't tell him, k?
(Do I sound crazy?)

FUCK. fuck. FUCK.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I need to end this. I will start posting more regularly I HOPE since I will be in a routine. Wish me luck, I'm shaking in my shoes.

Think thin, pretty people.

Xo
Sar