Live despite the madness imprisoning you

This lovely message was apparently taped to our family fridge sometime between last night and this morning.

I woke up and went to the fridge to refill my water and ice, saw this, and gagged.

Actually I didn't, I smiled inside while keeping a horrified expression on my face; I texted my mom, "this sign on the fridge is borderline offensive", and she responded with, "don't look at it, it's only for me".

No wonder I have so many issues.

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So now I'm sitting here, sipping on iced coffee with no added sugar or cream, taking a couple small hits off my bowl, and blogging my little heart out. I haven't ate anything, so my stomach is churning in a odd way. Life is so fucking busy since I started this job. Tomorrow will be the end of my fifth week there. Where am I going? What the hell am I even doing?

I spend my days working, listening to music on my headphones, and daydreaming about the future and what I want and where I can possibly go. How do I figure it all out? 

I need to remember, I've accomplished step one. I've got a job. It's full time hours with tons of benefits offered. If I stay. Which I probably will, at least for now.

I enjoy getting a paycheck every week, I like seeing friends on the job, I relish the 3 breaks I get per day. I tell myself, inside my crazy head, "you're not stuck here". I seek a better, more fulfilling life. I try to remember, "wherever you go, there you are". If I can find peace within, I can do anything.

I've been losing weight. I'm down to 140 and I'm getting back into the 130's dammit, if it's the last thing I do. Eating less is key. I am not very physically active at the moment, but I can envision that changing. 

My bony wrists keep me motivated. I work with my hands and I try to incorporate as much movement into what I'm doing as possible. I sometimes just stare at my skinny arms. I often look down at the awesome space between my thighs. I am the thinnest out of my "work friends group". I imagine that they stare with envy at my jutting collarbones (showing more and more lately) during lunch (I always pull my hair back when I eat; the rest of the time it's down, my long hair usually hides my bones...I kind of like it that way. My collarbones are just such an obvious sign that I restrict. Or perhaps it's just obvious to me? What do you think?).

Listen to "The Only Living Boy In New York" by Simon and Garfunkel if you want to pretend we are chillen in the same room, burning one, being pals.

Dancing is my favorite "work out". Over the weekend at my friend's wedding, I danced so much. I heard 2 compliments, one that I am "light on my feet" (!) and one that I'm "very graceful". Go me!

I need to end this post, but I don't want to. It's nice just sitting here, pouring out pent up feelings to the anonymous world. 

The placebo effect of vitamins amazes me.

Think thin today. Be the thinnest at your work. Stay strong against temptation! The other day a woman was walking around with cupcakes from somebody's birthday and stopped my friend and I in the hallway at work. Did we want a blue frosted cupcake? My friend took one. I stayed strong and kept my mind focused on the end result. I refused the damn cupcake. Just like the three cakes in the break room over the past few weeks. I did not bother taking a slice or three. I didn't need it, but more importantly, I did not want it. I don't want all that extra sugar. I don't even like cake, honestly.

If I'm going to have sugar it's going to be on my terms. I'll eat if I buy it, if I make that choice. I'm trying not to make that choice though. Either way, I will not allow for an unplanned sweet sugar bomb. Because that stuff makes you fat.

And I won't be fat. Not ever. Fuck, I'd avoid having kids and just adopt if my situation ever came to that. Not that I have a romantic prospect. I was talking to this guy I met recently, but I haven't really heard from him. So I'm assuming he met someone else and I should probably do the same.

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Peace, lovers.

Xo

Sar

Hyped up on coffee and excitement for the weekend

What a week. After a breakthrough meeting with my therapist on Wednesday, I decided to call in to work and take a spur of the moment trip to College Town. My intention was to get closure. I ended up having a really nice day though. A "mental-health day" if you will. I returned to work yesterday and today is Friday and tomorrow is my friend's wedding.

Phew.

As I'm sure some of you might have guessed, I'm having second thoughts about my plan that I wrote about previously. I am not sure Nursing is for me. If my only reason for going into it is for money then what kind of person does that make me? An uncaring, cold, bitch who doesn't care about the patients. No thanks. I'm trying to be a nicer, warmer, kinder, friend to people.

So now I'm thinking Graduate School for School Counseling. There is a program at a local, private college that is within reasonable driving distance and it seems like I could get into it. The prerequisites are accomplished; I have the B.A. in English, I have the desire to help people. Working with kids would be great. It's like going back to my roots, my very first year of college (6, almost 7, years ago, omg I'm old) was under the childhood education major. I switched because I was young and scared. I'm still scared, but I'm not young and naive. I have taken some time to figure out the way I work best and what my interests are. I think this might be it.

Spring of 2012 is when I will attempt to start. I will be getting some information in the mail soon. This could be right. I'm just trying to do the RIGHT freaking THING.

For ME and only me.

I just a took a quick break from blogging and lifted weights. That was random. Or did I mention that I'm smoking?

Before work, yes I know. I'm bad. I'm naughty. I'm a rebel.

I wouldn't have it any other way.
Think thin.

OH. The wedding tomorrow. Yeah, I'll take a  minute here to discuss that. It's a decently good friend of mine, her wedding party includes my best friend and two other close friends. Not me, though. Nope, no bridesmaid dress for Sar. For awhile I was hurt and worried I'd be cast off, out of the group and out into sea, like it matters, I've always been a loner. But my feelings changed and I realized that all I need to do is continue being MYSELF, the Sar that some people know and "love".

So a few months ago I bought a dress down in Atlanta and my mom is going to pin it so it's slightly more tapered around the waist (gotta look good if I'm going stag). I might get new shoes, might not. I'll paint my nails black, all of them. No, that's not weird!!! The black of my nails will balance out the white dress "purity" of the day. It will look awesome. My dress is a shimmery goldish lavender so the black will look nice against it.

I'm a little excited but sad at the same time. No more single K. (friend that's getting hitched). We are all growing up. It's scary. I'm definitely happy for her and her fiance. They are great together.

Maybe someday I'll be planning my wedding.

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<3
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A girl can dream, can't she?

New plan

I ate like shit this weekend. Today I woke up hungry, which angered me. How dare I feel hungry when just last night I ate so many goldfish crackers and 2 reese cups and cookies and licorice? Thankfully I did not give in, I did not eat. I am bloated now, due to last night and the fact that I'm retaining water because of my oncoming period. These are fun times, my friends.

However! There is a bright side. I have designed a new plan for myself. My student loan debt is out of control so I've been brainstorming ideas like crazy. I could die or try to pretend I lost a spouse in 9/11 or I could go back to school. I'm obviously choosing the school option because I like to learn and I don't feel like doing anything rash or illegal.

So here's what I am going to do: take 2 classes this Fall (part time status), 2 classes in the Spring, and (hopefully) get into the Fall 2012 Nursing program!! All at my local community college! The classes will be reasonably priced so I will pay for them with cash and my credit card, no more loans until next year when I enter the new degree program. I won't be adding to my debt just yet, but I won't be paying on it either. Sounds like a win-win situation!

I can quit my terrible full time soul sucking job and waitress part time somewhere, ALSO, I can defer all of my student loans! Ahh, my breaths are coming easier now.

So that's my plan, and I'm sticking to it. Tomorrow I will get up early and head over to the college to talk to someone from admissions.

I need this, you guys. I need to better myself. Also, RN's make decent money. Assuming I get into the program and can find a good job after, I will have no problem eventually making large payments on the $70K I owe to the government. I have been considering the nursing thing for a few weeks now, and it just hit me today that I could jump back into school part time this Fall and defer my loan payments. I've never gone part time so I think it will be good for me. I will have less classes and more time to prepare for them. I just know I will succeed.

I plan to take a (desperately needed) math class and some sort of english class. I will be able to use the gym and pool. I will (hopefully) meet some new friends, I'm getting so sick of my old ones.

Time to shower and head to work. The knowledge of my decision will propel me through this day. I can do this, I can stick this out. I can get through this day with a smile on my face and an excited butterfly in my stomach, a secret desire in my heart.

Think thin! I'm (obviously) restricting hardcore today due to yesterday's madness. So far I've had a few fresh cherries and 2 cups of black coffee, also some water. I probably won't eat before work and I'll have a small salad and some more fruit on my lunch break. Love to you all.

XO
Sar

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Thin is in.

Crazy + Black Swan pics

Finally Friday. This week has been long and exhausting. Work is getting the best of me. My various disorders and mental health issues are thriving. Today I ate a (small) brownie for breakfast. I am sipping coffee now, doing laundry. I have to shower in the next 20 minutes. And then leave. I don't wanna.

Wow, can I be any more ridiculous? I went so long without work, why am I complaining? Why do I hate this so much? It's an awkward job, it really is. I work with a bunch of dudes and they all talk and throw balls around and get away with murder, basically. I work my butt off while thinking depressed thoughts and growing slightly more miserable by the minute.

Lunchtime in the cafeteria is weird. A lot of people "order out" from pizza places and the like, daily. As in every day, 5 days a week, 20 days a month. Ew. Not me. I have brought my lunch every day except for one day where I was feeling fat so I didn't eat anything, just drank some diet pepsi. I definitely got a lot of stares. 

I bring fruit (always) and a sandwich (usually). Or a string cheese and granola bar. I try and hit up a few food groups, for energy. Water to drink. I TRY to eat slowly and normally. I TRY not to stare at other people's pizza and pasta and subs. I TRY not to hate myself for wanting to ask for a bite.

OK, 8 hours, Sar. 8 hours until the weekend. You can do it, you can! You got this! You can go back there, just get though today.

Pep talk, over.

I want another job. So much. So I need to start looking. There is an Olive Garden opening up here, anyone ever serve there?? How is it?

My Dad and I haven't talked in about a week, maybe more. This happens a lot: we get in a fight and ignore each other's presence for a reallllly long time after. Weeks, months....until my mom intervenes or one of us forgets about it. It's fucking stupid and it's no fucking wonder I seek approval and attention from men all the time. Daddy issues up the wazoo.

How do I change my personality?? I hate been so socially awkward and shy at work. I HATE IT! Please help, what can I do to change the way I am and the ways in which I interact with (semi) strangers??

Listen to Adele "Crazy For You". Can her voice be any more beautiful? Don't think so. I love her!

Ok hotties, I must end this. I would give anything to not have to work today but there really is no option there. I need to keep in mind that I got paid today, direct deposit style. Money is a decent motivator, but I am seriously not getting paid enough to sit through the torture that is my job.

Think thin today and everyday. I'm supposedly going to the beach tomorrow, *looks down at stomach*, gasp! Hopefully I don't look like a hippo. Well at least I'm thinner than some of my friends. What a pathetic existence I live.

I am holding steady at 142. I need to get out of the 140s, what the fuck is WRONG with ME??? Just end this freaking post Sar no one cares about your pity party. This is how I talk to myself, so nastily. I hate me. I'm trying not to but I really really do.

XO

p.s. I watched "Black Swan" again last night...I love Natalie Portman in that film, she is so thin, so goddamn thin. I want to be that thin. I want to look like that. I will. I FUCKING WILL!!!

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Love her thin arms, shoulders, and chest

Those ribs stick out wonderfully

Thin, perfect

Fragile neck looks amazing

Gorgeous bony beauty

Tiniest waist ever

Collarbones and fearful eyes





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Think thin. Be thin. Stay thin.

What's up?

Hey sexies, how's it hanging?

I just had a nice healthy breakfast consisting of strawberries, orange slices, and watermelon chunks. Then I had one whole wheat english muffin with peanut butter and some banana slices. I am sipping black coffee. I am about to hop in the shower to get ready for work.

Yes, work. It's going alright. I am midway though my second week. The people are nice. It's air-conditioned. I get my first paycheck TOMORROW! =)

I am sort of tan from camping last weekend. I am sort of thin from eating healthier and on schedule. Last night I was literally too tired to eat...THIS IS GOOD!

I am on second shift so it's different, but doable.

I haven't been blogging as much and I think I know why: I have a life now, lol. Things on this blog really picked up when I was away at college living my isolated existence. But now that I'm so busy it's harder for me to sit down and write/vent out my frustrations. Because I'm literally talking shit out. With friends, family, and my therapist. It is what is is. Doesn't mean I'm disappearing! I think I'll always blog, I really like it and I like the community here.

I'm still thinking thin!!!!!!!!!

I wore just a bikini top and denim skirt this past weekend, and felt good! I felt like I looked hot! Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, either way it didn't matter much because internally I felt great! Of course, I was boozin'...so that probably helped.

Bones bones bones are beautiful!

Yesterday at work some random guy showed me a picture he drew of Angelina Jolie's face...this led to a discussion of how hot she is. Believe it or not, he claims she is TOO THIN and better still, HE DOESN'T LIKE IT!!????!!??

Um?

I'll admit, I felt vindicated. Not everyone (men) like the stick thin look. Ha! Just goes to show, we're (maybe) doing this to look good in front of other women! Maybe we're all a little bi...

My toes on my left foot tingle, wtf? On that note, I'll end my spiel!

Hope you hotties are doing GREAT and please comment to let me know you're alive and still reading!!?? Maybe include a tip or two on how to interact with strangers in the workplace. I'm still feeling a little shy and my social anxiety disorder kicks in whenever I step though that door...

Thanks loves.

THINK THIN! PUT DOWN THAT COOKIE! SAY NO TO SWEETS!

<3
Sar

XO

ps. Someone asked me about my stats! I've posted them on this blog before but I'll give ya a glimpse...I am 5'8 and 24 years old. My cup size is D. My weight fluctuates between 136-144. GROSS, I know. But I can promise you that I don't look fat! I look average to thin. I've even put pics on here...so readers if you'd like to see than you should peruse the posts!

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Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels.

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Hunger Hurts But Starving Works.

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