TMI

Oops I did it again, I fell for a jerk and he played with my heart, I'm stronger now and colder than ever, but I'm ok, I'm me, I'm Sar...and no one will ever change that. I own this life, MY life. My shield is intact and surrounding me on all sides, you can't touch me, you won't, I won't let you, I won't let me lose control of the things I can actually control; I, the puppet master, will pull tightly on the strings, ensuring an icy gripe on my reality. I won't turn into a crazy person. I will stay sane because I am not done here. There is stuff I want, things that need to be done and said still, a family to put together, a contribution to the planet, a better body to attain, etc.

As usual, I'm sitting here before work, drinking my coffee, perusing the 'net. The past two days at work have honestly been tough. I have been an emotional wreck; my eyes filling with tears randomly, my mood swings, my recent habit of running to the bathroom to cry. I thought it was because of Matt, and it partly is, but it's more than that.

I have been battling depression (diagnosed with "major depressive disorder") for years. I have been dealing with my ednos issues for years. I have gone through some serious personal tragedys and emerged alive, but so brittle and bitter. I just want to know, when is a break? When can I be normal again? When can I not feel so lost and pain-ridden and alone and nuts?

The answer lies within me. It's up to me to make the choice to get "better" and be more productive. Or whatever it's going to take to be happy with myself.

And that's what it comes down to, that's why I've been so upset, taking this rejection super hard...I am just not happy with myself. Every other day I am angrily hearing in my head, I hate myself. 

WHY, DAMMIT?

Why do I HATE myself? How can I LOVE myself?

I don't even know where to start. So much has gone "wrong" in my life. I had been exposed to deaths in my family at a very young age and it hardened me. My first serious boyfriend, who I lost my virginity to, cheated on me. My next 4 boyfriends were extremely crazy and destructive towards themselves and me. I got in a bad car accident, totaling my first car, the car that I saved money for all by myself, after starting work at the age of 15. I became afraid. My fears started to dictate my decisions. 

I failed some classes at the community college I started at, eventually taking an extra year there, which pelted hail at my self esteem (you're so stupid).  I gave in and started smoking cigarettes again after nearly 2 years without, after proudly quitting cold turkey. I moved away from everything I've ever known and started at the state university, all alone, "free" for the first time in a long time. I partied too much. I ate like shit. I began puking up my food because I felt fat and I lived alone so there was no one to hide it from. I dealt with so much drama and ridiculousness in college, and then the cherry on the cake of reality came when I was relaxing in my apartment one night; some dumb bitch "accidentely" lit her bed on fire, and my entire life disappeared in a pile of ashes. 

I became even more afraid and started focusing on losing weight. I lost weight, then regained, then lost a bit, and now I'm here, getting rejected by man after man, driving a beat ass car, working at a job that I'm overqualified for, in a city I don't want to be in, surrounded by people that don't really know me, and trying like hell not to lose my way.

Jesus. If you read all that, then yay! You're cool.

I guess I just had to purge some words.

Gotta get ready for work. Think thin.

Peace.

XO

~Sar